Celexa and counselling be hailed! :)

I gotta say that Celexa has given me my life back. I am able to not only be at home 24/7, but I am keeping all the kids home every day... well, I should say, WE are keeping all the kids home. James has been either working from the home office, or not working at all. But the frustration that I felt before I left is about 99 percent gone. I know it has mostly to do with the Celexa, but the counseling has helped a lot too. I have been able to mature beyond needing a parental figure through the counseling, my friends, and reading and learning about symbology, and unschooling philosophies. and of course through my wonderful husband's devotion to digging deep into his feelings, sharing them with me, and listening to me doing the same.
We have had a wonderful holiday season so far. We've taken the kids to movies, taken them swimming, hung out at home playing Guitar Hero, and watching movies, For the first New Year's Eve ever, our family is doing our own thing. Just like we did for Thanksgiving. We're going to Akron's First Night with the Nutt's, and swapping kids that night. Then on January 1st, we'll get together at our place, and play some Guitar Hero, and karaoke games. I am so enjoying being strong enough to feel like my own person.
Well, I'm being distracted by Aaron's friends who are spending the night for his birthday. Jonathon Kindig and Ethan Whitehead are having a hard time getting to sleep. I think it's after midnight already. I think I'll be sleeping in again tomorrow. :)
But the house is clean, I finished all the dishes, so it won't be hard for James in the morning to be with the kids while I sleep. I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop which miraculously is working on battery power. I'm gonna surf the net for a while...

Addendum to Bitchin' and Moanin'

Yes. I will heal. I am determined. I am strong. I will heal. I will achieve my dreams. I will make peace with my pain. I will care for my inner child, and be the adult that I know I am.
I AM. I AM AT PEACE. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I WILL HEAL. I AM.

So what did I do today?

Today I just sat and fed my soul. I read emails, I read blogs, I drew, and I opened my heart to possibility. I stated some of my heart mantras, and drew symbols of them. I communicated with people of like minds. To my friend, and fellow mother of many children, Kim Conti, and thru email to a new friend, Natalie, who is about to give birth in about a month, and to whom I am sending many positive thoughts for a warm, wonderful, orgasmic birth.
I am beginning to feel more comfortable here on my blog. Not so worried what "they" will think if they should stumble across it.
I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin, too. Little by little, two steps forward, and one step back, and lean forward to make up for the step back... and lurch forward one more step, and catch myself, and take another step forward.
Oh to love your own self. That is my goal. To be compassionate enough to allow me to be myself, no guilt attached. I think it is an attainable one. Even that is a step forward. :)
Be at peace.
Me

Bitchin' and Moanin'

Ok, this is going to be a bitch session. So there's my disclaimer... I am going to let out my fearful, angry assumptions.. You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of u and me.... I know this is possibly what I am doing, but I need to get this out.

I began boiling when James' dad asked him on the phone, "so did you do ALL the cooking?" and I'm sure he implied that I had left James to do all the work, since James' reply was, "She let me sit down. She did the dishes and made the mashed potatoes."

I am GD, F%&*ing, sick, with a capital S, of being thought to be this lowly white trash, not good enough for their son, immature, selfish, irresponsible person whom they have the Godly responsibility to save. And as of late, they've put the saving part on the back burner, in shock by all the changes I am making in my life. I'm sure their number 1 thought about me is "how low will she go?"
And damn it, I'm NOT going low at all! I am just different than what their idea of an "ideal wife and mom" is. And certainly right now, I am not up to all that I would like to be either... It just makes me so angry to think of how John will go back to Sandi (and yes, I am purposely putting their names because I am distancing myself from the hurt of them being "mom and dad"), and say to her how james did most of the cooking for Thanksgiving dinner, and they will wonder what I was doing all that time. And they will think it over and assume that I am just being my selfish self, just exceptionally so right now because I have "rejected God" and become more "worldly" giving in to my "fleshly desires of selfishness".
I feel so rejected when I think that they feel that way. Not because I fear in any way shape or form that they are correct, but because they are the mom and dad I never had, and I only desire their approval. Their disapproval feels like rejection all over again.
ok. so now I feel better after getting the pain out. Mostly. I soooo want to feel strong enough to not need them or their approval... I don't even want to need them without their approval, because that would leave me open to being hurt. I want to just trust the people who love me unconditionally. James and my kids. Anyone else is off limits for any kind of intimacy. It scares the hell out of me to feel so vulnerable. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't need anybody. That way I wouldn't give a f*&% what anyone thought about me.
This probably isn't the healthiest place to be in, but it's where I am right now. And all from some tiny little comment, probably not even meant to hurt, maybe even just a question... but it took the thin layer of protection, the thin membranous scar forming over the deep abscess of hurt in my heart, and pierced it straight through, allowing me to feel the deep hurt once again. Will I ever heal?

I have returned...

Today is November 24th, 2008. I came home last Sunday, which would have been the 16th. I'd been feeling like staying away from home was becoming more of a burden to my emotional state than a help, so when James and I were coming home from our post Retrovaille session, and he told me that he needed me to come home, I didn't hesitate. I'm glad that we both started feeling it at the same time. Up to that point, he'd been encouraging me to stay on haietus. So all in all, I think I was either at my Great Aunt's or my Mom's house for 30 days. I think maybe 3 or 4 of those nights I stayed home. My Celexa began kicking in the day I came home, and even more the week I was home. I began pushing myself too far the 3rd or 4th day I was home, baking too much, trying to do more work than I have energy for... even tonight, I baked and iced 5 dozen cookies in the midst of making dinner, helping with homework, changing diapers, and holding bowls for throw up... I am online now because I haven't gotten to sit down and journal at all in the week I've been home... well, maybe once. But I was used to journaling multiple times daily and having plenty of thinking time. It's a good thing I'm on Celexa. It gives me breathing room to make the choice to take care of myself.
It's good to be home with the kids. Stepping back from my life allowed me to see how much school does take them away from me. How having six children to divide your time between makes it a MAJOR effort to be close to all of them, and just to know what's going on in their lives. But, it is what it is, and I love each one of them so much it hurts. I wanted to be the perfect mother, so that they wouldn't have to suffer a childhood like mine. I'm now learning and relearning how to be the best mom I can be... no such thing as perfect.
Well, I need to get my sleep, so I can be the best me. It's nice to sit and blog, though... I've missed it. Honestly, while I was away, I got so low that I had nothing positive to say... suicide/death were common thoughts... then the Celexa began working it's magic, and I can face life's trials without thinking that it's just not worth the effort.
It's good to be home with my family. And I am so thankful to James for encouraging me to take that time for myself, and being the stand up husband and dad that he is. He is very dedicated, and I love him for that! (amoung many other things.. :)

Chillin' like a Villin'

Wow. Today is my 4th consecutive day on haietus (did I spell that right? the word that means vacation...) Maybe it should be called a sabbatical, since I believe that the work of parenting is very spiritual. Hrrrmmpphh... I just looked up sabbatical. It means: any extended period of leave from one's customary work, esp. for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.
I wanted it to have something to do with spirituality, since I am still exploring mine... :( Oh well... it still applies to me.

I have been napping, sleeping with a heating pad at my feet most nights in a soft bed at my aunts house. It is quiet. She is near 80, treats me kindly, knows how it is to have depression, having gone through it herself, and likes telling me stories about my family, clear back to my great grandma's life, just as much as I like hearing them.

It's good to just B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

I am taking walks, listening to podcasts, and sitting at the library for hours on end; reading...even getting to meet my husband for lunch, and browse stores for hours, taking the time to sit in demo massage chairs for longer than the store intends... :)

How much closer to heaven can you get than that? Well, actually, if I could hang out with my family at Kalahari with other unschoolers.. that'd be closer. See, when we're on vacation, it's not nearly so taxing.... but I digress.

This peace and quiet is something I should have been giving myself on a regular basis in small amounts, rather than waiting until I am erupting and melting down like a volcano who turns into a little candle who just keeps burning and burning, and eventually there is nothing left... the wax of Me has evaporated. And I'm just this wick, whose flame is flickering because even the wick is almost gone. So, before I just give up... I am taking this sabbatical.
I have to pause here. I have to process the analogy that just came out of my subconscious and through my fingertips. It is so true. I have burnt myself up. There will be no fast recovery, no triumphant comeback. It makes me sad. I regret letting myself get to this point.

But, Tally Ho, Rally Round the Family... The Matriarch will return.... eventually. For now, I will enjoy the serene (if not exactly my decorating taste) setting of my great aunts' pink, green, and white, ruffley and lacey home, and take my rest.

Certified to teach our OWN kids??

A woman named Jody posted this to a message board I am on, and I just thought it was brilliant! So I copied and pasted it here:


"A thought that has often occured to me about teachers of other people's children having to be "certified": part of the reason is precisely because they are teaching OTHER people's children. As parents, WE are primarily responsible for raising, feeding, housing, clothing, and EDUCATING our children.

Sometimes we "outsource" one or more of these things to others, as when we sign the child up for gymnastics lessons, or music lessons, or art classes, or whatever. When we do that, we want to know that the person teaching our child has some kind of qualifications to do so, ie I wanted to know that the person teaching my children to ride horses actually knew how to ride horses! Or I might want to know what kind of safety measures are in place where my girls took gymnastics lessons. If I send them into a school, it's good to know that the hiring process included some kind of background check so that a known child molestor is not teaching my child.We require people who do these jobs for others to demonstrate some kind of competence to do so. Because as the parents we are responsible for seeing to it that our children are in safe situations, or at least as safe as possible.

As parents, we do not have to be certified, though, because we are not teaching/caring for somebody else's child(ren), but rather our own.We don't need to be "certified" to feed our own children, but a restaurant needs to be inspected and approved by the health department because we can't see the kitchen and inspect it for ourselves; and also to protect the workers there. These issues don't exist in our homes unless we are cooking for others for pay. By the same token, companies that make clothing to sell are regulated to make sure employees there are in safe working conditions, but those who make their own clothes in their own homes for their own use are not regulated.

Teachers of other people's children in schools are certified to (attempt to) insure that they know the subject they are teaching (because parents are not likely to interview personally every single teacher at the local public school to determine this!), and to insure that they are not known child molestors (parents would have a hard time doing this kind of background check, we expect the school to do so on behalf of all of us).

If we are acceptable as parents to raise our own children (we do not certifiy couples before they can have children), then we should not have to "prove" our qualifications to teach them either. We teach them things like how to dress themselves, how to count, maybe how to play the piano if we can; all without being "certified", why should something like teaching them to read be different? "

Jody, who thinks that children who are Shining Beacons of Joy somehow make many adults suspicious..... :(

Post from 1/27/08 about Enjoying Work and Life

Last night I had a conversation with one of my DS's (online lingo for Dear Son, if you are not familiar with that particular abbreviation). I was trying to figure out why it is that he does not want to do housework. I was not trying to guilt trip him (although I've had a history of that, so had to apologize for it coming across as such), but I wanted an answer as to why although work does not sound appealing to him (I supposed it was because he is a "kid", and as such is diabolically opposed to working), why can he not look at it as something that he does for his family and allow that to override his desire to not do something he considers boring.
He could not understand how I can not understand why he doesn't want to do housework. Then when I kept pushing the point of doing it anyway for someone else rather than yourself, he brought up that work done with motivation is done willingly, and considered fun. I asked him what would motivate him to do housework, because having a clean house is something that is very important to me. I compared it to how he used to fret over having to wait until Friday to play video games (they play whenever the mood strikes them now). He would pine away to play it, but it didn't happen until Friday. I told him that I pine away after a clean house (not in so many words, but I am paraphrasing here), but it seems like no one really cares if the house is clean or not except me, because given the choice, he and his siblings prefer to play all day.
(Now, I know that modern society would say, well of course! that's what kids do! they hate work! BUT I no longer believe that this is an unchangeable attribute of kids. I believe now that kids will work willingly beside their parents, and sometimes (or maybe a lot of the time) without EVEN being asked. Sound impossible? Read on.)
OK, again.... I asked him what would motivate him to do more housework (just as a question, not a whiny complaint :)
He replied that usually he doesn't have motivation. What has motivated him multiple times in the past to spend a half hour cleaning the house without even being asked
is the fact that he was anticipating surprising me, and loving that I would love seeing it done.
I assured him that regardless of the fact that it is not a surprise, any housework that he does is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED.
He then went on to say (and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that he is so very honest with me!) that yes, he knows that, but the motivation for him is that the work is more fun FOR HIM when it is done as a surprise for me. I love it that he is reminding me that his motivation needs to come from INSIDE him, not from the outside!
I felt such a love for him right then that I was able to honestly say that I love him whether he does any housework or not. And in reality that has been and always will be the truth. But my overwhelming desire to have a clean house has stopped my flow of love so much so that I would not have been able to verbally affirm that to him before. I told him that I want him to do housework whenever he is motivated internally to, and I am willing to wait for that. And I meant it.
I am willing to wait for months or years or longer if it takes it, but I doubt that it will. I have since realized a big key for as to why kids hate work! Here it is : (drumroll)........ ADULTS HATE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many times have we acknowledged that children copy people older than themselves? Isn't it natures way of teaching them? Even if you never say a word to them about how to do anything... if you do it, they will learn by observation!!!! This is KEY! We adults push kids to do work... do your homework! Wash the dishes! Clean your room! Make your bed! Pick that stuff up! And all the while, we are COMPLAINING to them telling them how we work even though we don't really want to get up early in the morning and work all day... we would rather be home playing with them too, but that's just not how life works! We would rather not have to clean the house, or do bills, but life requires money, and we have to make it!!! Just think about this for a minute. I bet you could make a list a mile long of how many times you have said in a thousand different ways to your kids that life is work. And work is not fun. But sometimes we do things because they need done, not to enjoy them....
Kids have a natural reaction... YUCK! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT? HOW HORRIBLE! My kids have asked me multiple times, "Why do you work then? Why don't you just not do it???"
My conditioned mental response was always... "they just don't understand life yet. Kids just have it too easy. They don't understand making yourself do something just because it needs done. They haven't matured yet...."
You know what I say? @#$%%^$# (I mean, hogwash!! :) Yes, kids have not been conditioned YET to do things that they don't want to do.... GOOD FOR THEM!!!! We should all be so lucky! And as conditioned adults, we have the option to change our conditioning. And I am so glad that I am realizing that my kids' point of view on this particular thing is wiser than mine. (Did I just say that?) Yes. I did. Not that I think that in general "kids are smarter than adults". but it is a fact that SOMEtimes, regardless of experience, someone with less experience than you has a different point of view, and it just clicks, and you say, "HUH. They are actually right!" And you put away your pride at being the 'one with more experience' (and you know that inside you secretly think that this makes you just a little bit smarter than someone less experienced)... and you just go with what makes more sense. No matter who it was that thought of it.
And in this case, I am thinking about the wisdom of all those "make yourself more happy" books that tell you that you need to ENJOY your life EVERY MINUTE to be happy. EVEN WHILE YOU ARE WORKING!!! And I think I do that to some degree.
BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TO THE DEGREE THAT MY KIDS SEE IT! Like I said in a previous post. I have asked them straight out... "Do you think that mom likes to work?" Their honest answer was "NO. You don't act like it." And they are right! When they ask me to play, I reply, "No, I can't right now, I HAVE to work." I don't say, well, mom is doing this right now. I want to have clean dishes, so I'm washing them. (said with a nonchalant, if not "I'm enjoying this" attitude). I come across to them as frustrated that I HAVE to do this work, and it's not fair that they get to sit around and play all day while I have to work all day!
And my husband gives them a similar outlook, although he probably does not come across as so bitter about it on a daily basis. (This is because I resent the kids for choosing not to help me, taking their lack of desire to do things not appealing, as a lack of respect for me, when that is CERTAINLY not their intention. They tell me all the time what a great mom I am! :)
Anyway, my husband comes across to them (at least from my point of view, I haven't actually asked them if THEY think that he enjoys working), as if work is not really enjoyable, he'd rather be home with them... but he does it because we need the money. So, from the kids POV, he lives a pretty miserable life in order to sustain us all, and when he tells them loudly that this is so, when they tell him that they don't want to help with the signs on the truck, he is only reinforcing that view. Same as I reinforce it EVERY SINGLE DAY when I ask them to help with the housework. And then I doubly reinforce it when I get upset with them for not wanting to help and complain that I am the only one doing "ALL the work" around the house....
What a predicament we've gotten ourselves into. :) But happily, there is a way out. And as with all natural remedies that work from the inside out, instead of from the outside in (think medicinal remedies) it will take a little longer than the usual remedy of "You need to help us do this work because you are part of the family, and you SHOULD feel responsible as such... don't you partake in the goodness of being part of the family??? don't you think you should help us??? why don't you want to help us???? Guilt trip, guilt trip, guilt trip!!! But we don't realize this is what we are doing! We are just saying what we feel.
Then the kid says what they feel. "I want to help you mom, but it's boring!" In other words (that they lack the maturity/experience to verbalize more clearly), "I naturally want to help you, but I also naturally want to do what is enjoyable in my life, and these two things are clearly opposing based on how you show me what work is like, and therefore, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!"
What can we do in this situation? I believe that the answer is surefire. It just takes time. First of all, You as the parent need to ENJOY YOUR LIFE! (i.e. see all those self help books for ways to do that, I don't have the time here). As you begin enjoying your life, you will naturally put off the vibe that you ARE ACTUALLY enjoying your life. And because kids naturally copy (and especially quickly they copy what looks like fun), you will soon have a hive of worker bees who love working.
Sound unrealistic? Well, that's because you make it look like shovelling so much #%$# to live everyday life. Be happy, darn it! And your kids will naturally follow.
Maybe I can clarify this more later on, but my little girl just woke up, and I don't want to sit here typing forever, ignoring her.
Live in peace,
Michelle

Perfect Circle Broken

Written some time before I began this JustMe blog:

I really wish I could post this. I don't like the fact that I feel my blog has been taken away from me. I don't want to offend my in laws (who read this blog), yet I have a right to my own feelings...
But then again, I don't want them critiquing me when I do not claim to have a concrete only one way on things... I am ever changing. I guess if I put that disclaimer on it, I'd feel ok about letting go of the fact that I'm being critiqued, but as of right now, I cannot let go of the fact that if they see how much my thoughts differ from theirs, their feelings will probably be hurt. So it is for them that I am writing these posts, and not publishing them. Maybe at some point, I will just get tired of it, and say, "Oh, grow up. Don't get hurt because of my thoughts, just realize that I am different from you, and let it go." But right now I feel that that would be callous. Yet I don't feel that it would be fair for me to have to start a whole other blog just because this one is "being watched".... so the debate in my head rages on because I like to blog on the internet, not just privately...
Ok, so that is one of the things I am a little frustrated with this morning. Secondly, I woke up thinking about how Kim cancelled our swapping moms arrangement, and how she was talking about Jaidyn "throwing a fit", and how it was because she was tired. But before she realized that she was 'just tired', she thought about how her 2 year old doesn't even act like that.... A common thought. But one that frustrates me. Her 2 year old doesn't act like that because she's been beaten or threatened into submission. NOT because she has better manners. 2, 4, and even 6 year olds have the most trouble 'controlling their emotions'. but even adults have trouble with that sometimes.
Kim said that people learn to accomodate other people. For example as an adult if you are tired going to work, you don't treat people like sh*t just because you are tired. And I thought to myself, "yes, Kim, but that's because you are AN ADULT and you have learned THROUGH EXPERIENCE that people don't like that. 4 year olds don't have enough experience yet to do that...." Furthermore, if you are a grumpy adult, do you like someone to gently point out to you how you are acting, or do you want someone yelling at you? It's a matter of treating someone how you would like to be treated.
Ok. that was my second frustration. Thirdly, I get frustrated at the fact that I cannot be perfectly in line with anyone else's beliefs. Even my husband, and my next closest friend Laura, and I do not have exactly the same beliefs. I was used to having this Perfect Circle around me whose boundaries enclosed everyone I agreed with, and there were at least 6 other people... It was nice to feel so.... safe? I guess that's what I felt. Safe. Safe because no one would vehemently disagree with me. My self esteem was constantly being uplifted when we discussed how other people who did NOT agree with us, were either just plain wrong, or just outside the Perfect Circle. Now my safety net is gone. I feel constantly exposed to the elements of the winds of change. I feel naked and unsure. I do NOT LIKE this feeling. I realize that in the long run it will probably serve the purpose of making me tougher, which is probably a good thing. I spent many years in the safety of the inner part of the Perfect Circle, with my inlaws and my husband constantly monitoring the borders for me, keeping me small and defenseless in the middle of the Circle. Now I am forcing myself to grow by stepping outside the circle. Walking out into the great big Universe on my own. I guess that says something about me. That I AM strong. That I am brave. Maybe instead of feeling frustrated that I am standing out here in the cold winds, I should put my winter gear on, and head out to my destination.
Then I face the frustration of not really knowing my final destination, and I am headed back to thinking about my purpose. I'm going to go write more on that post.

Wow. Well Said.

I can't believe I used to call myself a parent who "spanked". It never felt right to me, (unless I did it out of anger, of course), but when in my right mind, I just told my child that the Bible told me I "had" to do this. What a load of SHIT. Excuse my anger... As a child I remember telling myself, "My mom tells me to stop crying, or she'll spank my again. This makes no sense, because spanking just makes me cry more! I will never do this to my kids."
I wish I would have listened to my inner child for the first 11 years of my parenting.
I have been free of the spanking mentality for over a year now. I wish I had written down the date, so I could celebrate the anniversary.
Some people reserve "spanking" as the "last possible option"... I guess you could look at it that way.... IF your "child" is bigger than you, and happens to be physically harming you, or someone else. You might hit then. But in that case, I assume you wouldn't call it spanking. You'd call it what it hitting.
So, read on for a well articulated reason that America should outlaw "spanking". I find especially compelling the thought of hitting mentally retarded children. How sad. And yet, how much sadder is it than hitting a normal child?

I consider myself something of a constitutionalist, and for the life of
me I don't recall any section of the Constitution, or the BOR giving me
the right to hit someone else. Even if it is 'just' children.

While I can understand the urge to stand up for one's rights, I also
expect that we be abundantly clear about what a "right" is.

This particular argument, to me, seems to lead ... from our BOR ... in
the direction of objectifying children, since our BOR is very specific
about our possessions and the right to be secure in them.

Now either a child is a possession, someone else's possession
(presumably parents or other legal caretaker) or they are their own in
certain particular areas.

My understand of human rights flies directly in the face of the
"possession,

" argument ... that my child is "mine," in the sense I can
do anything with or to them that I want.

Now if I can't kill him, and I can't injure him, and I think we all
agree on these as being proscribed, what gives me, over all other human
beings, the right to hit him and give it another name to cover up my
assault?

If I hit anyone other than a child except in defense of self or other
(and I may well be required to prove in court that such a precondition
existed) I have done battery and will very likely be found not only
guilty of assault, but I may well be sued for a violation of that
person's civil rights.

I've seen many times the argument that, "well, being a child we have an
obligation to protect them and sometimes it necessary -- traffic entries
being an example -- to hit, "spank" the child to teach them to stay out
of traffic."

So if I have a person in my care of limited capacity, say
developmentally disabled, it is ethically acceptable to hit them to
teach them to stay out of traffic? If they are 18 years of age or older
I may go to jail for doing so. And that is right and moral, not just
legal.

There is, in my view and opinion, not only nothing about a child that
supports the use of the deliberate application of pain to teach (natural
consequences are an entirely different argument ... as they are
spontaneous, and spanking is not) but in fact a far stronger argument
that the deliberate use of pain is uncalled for and counter productive
based on research, just as the article points out.

So we have two strikes. One the moral question, the other the efficacy
question. The third strike is one I know of personally.

Having worked with mentally ill children I assure you, among the most
difficult, the most damaged, there was not a single child that had not
been spanked. And while some had been brutally treated, many had not.
While they were difficult children and may have been even if never
spanked, unquestionably spanking ... the use of pain by a caregiver, did
NOT lend to their mental health nor their normal development.

They spent, as we used to label it, too much time looking over their
shoulder and trying to compensate for the constant anxiety and fear that
pain was coming from a caregiver.

The Wheels are Turning

I'm thinking this morning about my kids and school. My kids and their internal motivations. My kids and their desires. My husband's desires. My desires. There has GOT to be a way to get everyone's needs met!!

Aaron swears that he does NOT want to go to school. Travis mostly does not want to go, but he likes the classroom/teacher setting of learning. Jesse likes the classroom setting, and the teasing around with other kids, and the feeling he gets from getting good grades. It probably is the feeling of accomplishment like Travis gets from making magazine sales. Savannah likes being taught in a classroom setting too, and she likes her teacher being laid back and quiet speaking, not demanding and loud. I would not have known any of these things had my kids not decided that they wanted to try school.
My mind feels like it is starting to open. I am seeing the nuances rather than the blacks and whites this morning, that's why I just HAD to sit down and blog.

It's NOT about "going to school" or "quitting school"! It's about certain needs that human beings have getting met. Aaron has a need to be home with his family more time during the day than to be out with other people. He has said that "they" the teachers at school WANT the kids to be away from their families all day. And how could he think anything else? They are happy acting and positive about the kids being in school.

This NEEDS BEING MET thinking really helps me to understand why it seems like the kids are so, ON AGAIN, OFF AGAIN, when it comes to school. My dh says, "yes, they don't want to go in the morning, but then they are happy and say that "it was fun" when they come home". This must mean that they DO like school, and they just "have" to do certain things like get up early, be away from your family, etc. to be able to go. I knew in my heart that this is not how I feel about it. I do not think that they are 'just kids' who don't really know what they want, but I did not have the words to articulate the feelings inside me.
I tried to explain that they are happy getting off of the bus because they are finally home after being away all day (my daughter even said that to me), and that they say that is was "fun" because they DO remember SOME fun things, and they know that Dad wants to hear about the fun things, but overall, they are not getting ALL of their needs met there. They get some needs met, like hearing new information from an adult, and doing a variety of things in a day, getting a little bit of excercise on the playground, etc. But their needs to be autonomous, to not have to raise their hand to talk, to go to the bathroom as needed, to learn longer about Science, but not as long about English, to just lay down when they are tired, to eat when they are hungry, their needs to be with people that they love when they want to be, etc, etc, etc...Those needs are not being met. I think that going to school needs to be an internal decision that they make using their needs as decision makers. Needs being met on one side of the scale and needs not being met on the other. Some needs weigh more than others. We don't have to tell them what to do. They know inside of themselves what needs need met. We just have to figure out a way to get their needs met, and our needs met at the same time. I don't have a need for them to go to school. I have a need to have variety and creative outlets in my life. I have needs that can be met in a variety of ways like they do. Maybe school will be right for some of the kids and not for others. Maybe I don't need an institutionalized life to be happy. I just need my needs met. My needs for interaction with people, my needs for artistic outlet. My needs for some "just thinking" time (like I am having right now with two of my kids sitting beside me, one napping, two being read to by their grandma, and one reading in the kitchen.) I want to think in terms of needs, not in terms of have to's. I just didn't have those words yet.

What got me thinking all of this was my 10 year old ds going out to sell magazines. He is one of those kids that people would describe as "sullen, difficult, stubborn, negative" at times. I will not use those negative labels intentionally ever again!!! He is thoughtful, persistent, thorough, fair, and maybe more pessimistic at times, when he feels like all the world's against him.
But this morning, he came back from selling magazines, excited because he'd remembered to go back to his customers' houses and give them their receipts after forgetting them at the time of the original sale. My mom and I were looking through the papers trying to help him, and we realized that he had given them the magazine supplier receipt instead of the customer receipt.
Ds got sad and said, "Oh man, I don't know what I am doing with this thing!" He was internally downing himself with all kinds of self disgust rhetoric, I'm sure. My mom and I tried to tell him it was no big deal, that they would not think that he didn't know what he was doing, that they would be fine with him exchanging the receipts. Then dh and I were chatting online, and he said, "Oh! the customers will LIKE it if he comes back to exchange it!"
I thought, "He's right! They WILL like it! They will think, 'This kid is really thorough! He's really got his head on straight.' "

THAT GOT ME THINKING.
If we can see that Travis is persistent, reliable, and thorough, why do we have to think thoughts about him like:
"He is quitting school. He isn't trying hard enough. What if this means that he's lazy and won't hold down a job? What if he just wants to sit at home and watch TV or YouTube or play video games all day long, and never help with the housework or do any kind of work?"

What kind of negative fearful thinking is that?! It is fear and negativity that WE are giving in to!
Why can't we be thinking, Hmm... I know that he is a thorough, motivated, reliable person. What at school is de-motivating him? Can we change that? And also be willing to accept that maybe the school environment is not changeable enough to accomodate his needs. And be willing to help him find a life that meets his needs for self esteem, etc.. while also allowing the rest of us to have our needs met....
Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness.... Doesn't this apply to kids to?
More on this later, as my family needs me to help with homework, magazine sales, lunch,etc.. and I need a shower... :)

Just Journaling : So many things, so little time

This is my relax time, my shoulders rubbed in the corner before heading out into the boxing ring time. I'm sitting at my computer, and sweet nursling in my arms, drinking my coffee. My fingers are cold, but that's ok, I am writing. I love to write. Type, specifically. Journaling will do at times, but it is more slow. And I live at a fast pace. Sometimes that's a necessary thing, and sometimes I just get so sick of it that I want to throw off the whole lifestyle and go join a commune. :)
I don't think my family would stand for that though. Neither would our finances at this point. But let's not write of depressing things. Let's bask in the glow of a 20 month old nursling, an outlet for my thoughts, and a 55 degree sunny fall morning.
I talked to Gina last night for about an hour. It was really interesting to talk to someone who lives the lifestyle that I swore off years ago, and to not only like the person, but to not judge them as well! I suppose that maybe my non-judgementalness (if there is such a word) could come from the fact that she is expressing dissatisfaction with her long hours and how they are affecting her 15 month old. And she also was talking about how she doesn't know what she and her husband are going to do about punishing. Their 15 month old parrots them in perfect context when he falls down, or drops something... :) He says, "Oh Shit!" Or "Damn It!" I smile as I write that! I guess I think there's something funny about a person so young using "BAD" words. Vinnie has no idea that what he is saying is "socially inacceptable" for someone his age. He is only doing what his parents do, just like he is learning other things like how to put a shirt on, and to say "Hello!" when you meet someone. Her sister advised her to "pop" him in the mouth when he says it. Gina can't imagine doing that to him. Good for her! Listen to yourself, Gina. You'll be the one looking back evaluating your life in the future, not your sister.
Hmmm.... sounds like some good advice for me to take in my extended family...
I really need to go talk to Laura, but I am not anxious to, because I'm afraid of her being condescending and self righteous. I'm afraid of myself being the same way. I'm just plain afraid that the situation won't turn out as well as I want it to, so I keep avoiding it. Maybe I should email her.. No, I'll just end up going over to hash it out in person...
Anyway, this is supposed to be my work day, as I'm supposed to be setting up for the Doylestown Yard Sales this weekend. There are a mountain of little strings to be tied up, and I am running out of things to say here... I want to read some meditational stuff this morning too.

My beautiful wonderful kids

Tonight my baby wanted to nurse, and my little girl didn't want to come upstairs with me so I could put the baby to bed. She'd wanted to help mix up the tortilla dough I'd just finished doing, but her sister had beaten her to it. She wasn't happy about that. She took the whisk that she'd wanted to use, and tried to bend it. She slapped it on the chair. I didn't reprimand her because the whisk was bent already anyway. She wasn't hurting it. She slapped it on the counter, and I told her, Jaidyn, I want you to be able to mix something. When I come back down, I will get something for you to mix.
No! Now! was her 'no nap today, 4 year old' response. I stayed calm and patient. Jaidyn, I said, I cannot do that right now. What do you want to do while I put Nathan to sleep? Do you want to lay down with us? Or do you want to watch a movie?
I want you to watch the movie with me, she said. We had reached a compromise. No spanking. No screaming at her, she stopped screaming at me, and we walked upstairs together. We put in Hello Kitty. Nathan nursed, we watched Hello Kitty, and I saw a glimpse of my little girl growing up. Sailor Moon was the commercial at the beginning of the video. There are different girls on the Sailor Moon show, but Jaidyn says that she likes Sailor Moon the best because she thinks she is the prettiest. Age 4, and she's saying she wants to be like the one she thinks is the prettiest. She looked so beautiful with her little round face, big round blue eyes, and her frame of straight light brown hair. I basked in the peacefulness of our relationship.

Family Drama

What I really want to say is, "Hey! Back off! Who is the parent with more experience here, me or you?"
So much drama. Is every family this full of it? Full of shit? Aaaahhhh!!!! I can't stand it. Let's just live and let live!
So, both of my sister and brother in laws think I'm an unsafe parent. I let my kids choose their own clothing. I don't make them put on a coat if it's 65 degrees and they say they aren't cold. I let them run outside with bare feet... oh my god, they might get a bee sting! I let them choose their own diets. Oh my god, they might never have reward issues with food because food is just food, not a reward! I let my son go up and down the stairs on his own. He is completely capable. I let my kids play in the yard without worrying that they are going to run out into the street or get stolen. Oh my god, they might become independent People! What will I ever do?!
Rumors that I don't "make" them put their seat belts on when I drive, people not minding their own business... God! I am so glad James is finally seeing a way out of that little church! Maybe we can be just a tad bit more free of that whole ridiculous lifestyle. I want to move freely in a community of people who don't put their standards onto other people, especially when those other people are their friends. yeah, so I sound like a hippie liberal chick. so what? I'm so gd tired of being put in a box, up on a stage where I'm supposed to be an example to a bunch of people who could care less, or worse, despise me for being "an example". I just wanna be normal! I just wanna be me. Ok, I'm going to bed now. I'm tired, and tired of ranting.

Is it her fault or mine?

This morning I could not take pictures of my boys, Jesse and Travis, getting on the bus for the very first time in their lives at ages 12, and 10. I was so angry with myself. I am still bitter with disappointment. The main reason I am so angry is not that I didn't get the pictures... I can get some tomorrow, no big deal... the reason I am angry is that now, our special just me and them morning, can only live in our memories. Tomorrow morning their grandma is coming over to take pictures. And I had to tell her not to come this morning, because I wanted it special just for us. I feel like I failed at being a mom who creates memories. And she will NOT fail. She is always prepared with a camera, always has some little treat for the kids, always has a happy smile and "Happy Happy Joy Joy" atttitude for them (her actual words to them last night)... no matter how she is really feeling.
From an adult perspective, that is fake. But from a kids' perspective, that is WONDERFUL! I am afraid that my kids will think more of her.....
It makes me want to cry because I really feel that there is nothing I can do to compare to her in their eyes. I am too realistic, some would say pessimistic.
I wanted some journaling therapy, and this does help a little bit. I am going to go get Savannah and Aaron up now... it's their turn to get ready for the bus. :)
At least I stuck up for myself, and told her that this is MY time with them! :) Thank Bob! (as my kids would say)

Ahhhh..... A place where I can be bitter and not be judged.

This is great! A blog where I can just let it all out, and not worry about people (yes, Dad, I do mean you this time), getting into my blog and trying to 'figure' me out so they can "fix" me.
There's bound to me a little frustration here for a while, cuz that's just all part of pulling away from a big mess that you lost yourself in, and finally allowing yourself to be your own person.
For more than ten years now, I've been trying to bushwhack myself into being someone I am not. I beat myself up for needing space/time to myself, I beat myself up for cursing when I felt I really needed to, I beat myself up for just about everything in my life because I thought what I was doing was "wrong" according to someone else's standards.
But God Damn It, I want to be free to be me! I also want to be loved as me. Not someone else's version of me!... And unfortunately, when you've felt so unlovable as the real you for so long, you tend to get angry and distant, and also quite defensive when you are attacked. Or when you feel like you are being attacked for being yourself. My life is full of people who have thought for so long that one person or group of persons can be "right" about a lot of things, that they tend to come across as very authoritative. Authoritative meaning to me that they think they are the authority on life. They have right/wrong nailed down, and are willing to share their wisdom. And they get annoyed if you do not take their advice. Damn it, I sound like a "rebellious" teen. I hate all those stereotypes. I actually have had two people agree with me/tell someone else that that's what it's like for me right now. At age 31, I am feeling like I'm at the beginning of my teen years, just now allowing myself to "find myself"... which is really just another stereotype for a person who is learning to listen to their own inner guide instead of following someone else's.
Wow. I think I need to get some counseling. :) No. For real. But that's ok. (Now it is. I used to think that counseling was only for people who didn't have God, or didn't lean on him or "His Word" - the KJV for emotional support.) But how do you lean on it when it's just an inanimate book sitting there, it doesn't talk to you, it doesn't ask you questions, and allow you to go deeper, and inspect what's going on with you.... It just says (if you read it) that you are a worthless piece of sh** who is going to hell, and you'd better start praying and fearing, or you're never going to get all that bling bling when you finally do leave this miserable world, even if God does let you into the pearly gates based on his awesome son's shed blood. You'd better just feel lucky that he allowed your miserable ass to even hear that story, if not, then you'd be damned. Some loving God.
Wow. I do have some bitterness, huh? I changed the title of this post from Aaaahhh... peace. to what it is now. :)