I have returned...

Today is November 24th, 2008. I came home last Sunday, which would have been the 16th. I'd been feeling like staying away from home was becoming more of a burden to my emotional state than a help, so when James and I were coming home from our post Retrovaille session, and he told me that he needed me to come home, I didn't hesitate. I'm glad that we both started feeling it at the same time. Up to that point, he'd been encouraging me to stay on haietus. So all in all, I think I was either at my Great Aunt's or my Mom's house for 30 days. I think maybe 3 or 4 of those nights I stayed home. My Celexa began kicking in the day I came home, and even more the week I was home. I began pushing myself too far the 3rd or 4th day I was home, baking too much, trying to do more work than I have energy for... even tonight, I baked and iced 5 dozen cookies in the midst of making dinner, helping with homework, changing diapers, and holding bowls for throw up... I am online now because I haven't gotten to sit down and journal at all in the week I've been home... well, maybe once. But I was used to journaling multiple times daily and having plenty of thinking time. It's a good thing I'm on Celexa. It gives me breathing room to make the choice to take care of myself.
It's good to be home with the kids. Stepping back from my life allowed me to see how much school does take them away from me. How having six children to divide your time between makes it a MAJOR effort to be close to all of them, and just to know what's going on in their lives. But, it is what it is, and I love each one of them so much it hurts. I wanted to be the perfect mother, so that they wouldn't have to suffer a childhood like mine. I'm now learning and relearning how to be the best mom I can be... no such thing as perfect.
Well, I need to get my sleep, so I can be the best me. It's nice to sit and blog, though... I've missed it. Honestly, while I was away, I got so low that I had nothing positive to say... suicide/death were common thoughts... then the Celexa began working it's magic, and I can face life's trials without thinking that it's just not worth the effort.
It's good to be home with my family. And I am so thankful to James for encouraging me to take that time for myself, and being the stand up husband and dad that he is. He is very dedicated, and I love him for that! (amoung many other things.. :)