Positively glad to be Alive Thoughts at 2am!

Almost 2am, and I am wide awake. Maybe coffee at 10pm was not the best of ideas... yet I am truly enjoying my time at the moment, and the fact that I am getting my house much cleaner than it used to be, and much more organized, and I'm not done yet! I am making my own lavendar laundry soap, baby wipes, and facial cream from the cheapest and greenest ingredients I can find. James' grocery budgeting is a major part of our financial overhaul, and I believe that the book I am reading, 'How to Get What you Want, with the Money You Already Have' by Carol Keefe, is going to really help us in the savings department, AND make life more exciting!
I had a good visit with Jerren Helwig tonight, made a new friend, with differences, and similarities, and learned a lot about becoming a midwife. I have learned through watching the Ohio Families for Safe Birth message board, that I do not want to be a political activist. I think I want to be on much more of an intimate, spiritual level of the Safe Birth movement. I may become a CPM, eventually. We'll see.
Aaron, Jesse, and Nathan, just hit the sack about 20minutes ago. Boy are we all in for a grumpfest tomorrow, unless we sleep in late... actually, I'll make a mandatory naptime later in teh day, and we'll get the rest we need.
Yes, I said a mandatory nap time. I am realizing that being a complete 50/50 partner with my children is not going to work for our family. I would keep the level of unsure, underconfident, confusion if I lack sleep, and lack my parental authority position. Yes, I used the word authority. It has taken on a new meaning for me lately, probably the one that James has always thought it meant.... A caretaker. One who helps and guides the child when they cannot see the source of their unmet needs. Not one who teaches the child about her unmet need at the most vulnerable point, but one who deciphers that unmet need, and then supports the child through the emotions, and later discusses with the child how they got to such a vulnerable point, sharing stories of our own vulnerabilities.
I soooo do NOT want to make my children feel that they are to be controlled, are bad, or not good enough, or less than myself, or anyone else.... but I am seeing that at times, I DO know what they need better than they do. They do NOT know when they are tired, and it is affecting their mood. They refuse to admit that they are tired....
Well, maybe they are refusing my offering "the answer", of being tired, to their feelings, because they want to figure it out on their own, and if I approach it differently in the future, they will not say that they "are not tired", but will just admit that they need sleep, or comfort, or whatever.... I certainly plan to keep honing my respectful relationship skills with them, in the midst of regaining my perspective of what it means to me to be a parent.

Update on the Mom (in law) relationship

I talked to her today, quietly and honestly. I know she heard the hurt in my voice, as I told her that I couldn't use the money she gave me for my birthday, because if I bought sunglasses (or whatever), I would just feel hurt and rejection whenever I wore them because they came from her. She who said that I am now just the wife of her son, and the mother of her grandchildren. She who was my mother for so very long, and such an intimate part of my life. Too intimate for sure, but you cannot seperate from that closeness without being wounded, and even feeling the missing part long after the wound has healed.
I told her that I cannot feel good about keeping up such a sterile relationship. It feels fake. I desire a closer relationship with her other than only speaking when circumstances force us together, which is often. All the hurt from what she said to me, and what she says to others about me. gradually, but surely fades in my need for a loving mother. I remember the softness, not the hardness. I remember the love, not the disdain, and this ultimately brings me back to a place of yearning for that closeness, that sweetness that we had.
And maybe I perceived it a HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENTLY than she did. I was the child gaining sustenance from the parent, and she was the mentor doing her best to "raise" someone else's child. I perceived a commitment from her that she apparently was not giving. An unconditional love that was conditional.
I told her that in the future, she need not give me birthday gifts or presents of any sort. It does not feel good to me when I feel that I mean so little to her. It is a front. Something either done for appearances, or to make her feel good about herself for giving it to "her family".
I want to cry right now, but the release I am feeling from writing this is all I will get at the moment. I am needed as the mom downstairs.
Peace and Love I feel. The Light can only be felt in the presence of the Dark. Amen