The Heart of Love - By Glenn Berger

Where does love come from?

Contemporary science tells us that love is built into us. As the great researcher, Allan Schore, proves, we enter the world pre-wired to love the first person who takes care of us. Once an infant is born it works like this. When an infant sees his mother gazing at him with love in her eyes, happy neuro-chemicals flood the infant's brain. The child feels happy. He or she likes this feeling and wants more of it. This sets up an attachment to the source of this good feeling. Since the good feeling comes from mom, the kid starts to love mom. We are genetically set up so that when the brain gets a good dose of those happy-making chemicals, we grow neurons in our brain. These neurons form the basis of our feeling confident in the world. They enable us to create and sustain loving connections with other people.

As we grow into childhood, when we receive the proper emotional attunement from our loved ones, our brains continue to develop and we mature our natural propensity to love and be loved. It is when we get our emotional needs met that we grow the ability to love more and more people in deeper and deeper ways. John Bowlby makes a great case that this built in ability to love is evolutionarily adaptive. That is, it contributes to the survival of our species. Helpless infants and mothers need to be bonded because little babies can't survive without that protection and care. Without love, we do not thrive. Those neurons that grow from love also contribute to the development of our ability to think, feel, create, imagine, act and care for ourselves in the best possible way. Our ability to love and connect is what is natural and adaptive. Our destructive aggressiveness happens when our natural emotional needs for a loving relationship get frustrated.

When we understand that our love is innate, we realize that children are not bad without a moral basis and need to be "trained" and restrained to be obedient. This view that children are evil and need to be broken has justified all kinds of abuse. We now know that this kind of child rearing leaves permanent scars. Instead, if our task as parents is to cultivate the love that already exists in our child by giving love, it makes our job clear. Our children are precious with potentials that need to be nurtured, nourished and lovingly tended.

Our natural ability to love is our common human bond. Mencius, Confucius's disciple, said that every human heart is alike. When we realize this, this becomes our basis for living. Since we are all alike, we must live our lives according to the golden rule, which has been understood in every culture and religion, including the philosophy of Confucius. The Chinese character for this reciprocity, that is, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, is shu, which is a combination of the characters for "heart" and "alike." Its common meaning is forgiveness.

Our central core of loving compassion is what Mencius called heart. This is what he believed defined what it meant to be truly human or humane. This natural empathy, or the ability to feel what others feel, is what Mencius used as the primary proof that man is essentially good. In order to be fully human, we need to cultivate and develop this heart of compassion.

If this is the case, then the best thing we can do for ourselves, the ones closest to us, and for the planet is to develop our ability to love. Certainly, as we understand the great chain of being, it is our love that helps grow love in our children. Though we understand this scientifically today, this wisdom was understood by Confucius and his follower, Mencius, 2500 years ago. Confucius's main concern was human relationship. He understood that we were in alignment with our intrinsic purpose on this planet when we were able to have the best relationship with others.

The Confucians believed that our whole society needed to be built on this principle. Our leaders needed to run the state so that relationships would be in greatest harmony and there would be the ultimate conditions for the realization of love. This is a great model for our own leaders and one we need to encourage them to embrace.

As part of this societal imperative, learning about love needs to be central to our education. 70 years ago, Franklin Roosevelt, after seeing the catastrophe of a world war, said that schools needed to expand from the three R's to four: reading, writing, arithmetic and relationships. He believed that the very survival of the world depended on us learning how better to love and connect through relationship and that it was the responsibility of society at large to provide this direction. In some ways we seem further from this educational goal almost a century later.

This common core of love also means that we do not need to look outside of ourselves for what we seek to become in life. Confucius also said, "the measure of man is man." What this means is that we can all begin where we are, and by developing our best attributes, we can become wise, strong, passionate and optimally loving.

Confucius's idea of this ideal person was captured by the Chinese character, Jen. This character is made up of the characters for "man" and "two," signifying that the measure of an individual is his or her ability for good relationship. The ideal person is one who can connect with others, who can love.

Within each of us is such a fine person, because we can become one, given the proper cultivation. This begins with how we are raised. But once we become grown ups, we need to take over the task of cultivation. We must self-cultivate.

How do we develop our capacity for love and compassion? This is an especially important question because not one of us received the optimal nurturance growing up.

Confucius would say that this begins with tireless self-education. We must explore our great cultural heritage to understand what the pilgrims who have gone before us have learned about love and how to achieve it. We must imagine this ideal, and continue to develop this image so that we have a goal to aim for. We must immerse ourselves in the arts, because this is the food of love.

Finally, our heart of love and compassion is cultivated through our actions, what we do every day. Each day we must practice living up to our highest vision of love. We become more humane - we find our hearts - through giving. To be what we are meant to be, we need to open ourselves and passionately risk all for the sake of loving others.

Science has now joined philosophy and spirituality in understanding that love is our root, answer, and what we are made of. Through a commitment and devotion to a lifetime of self exploration, you must travel within yourself to find the lost and hidden heart, because there you will discover that the source of love is within yourself. That's where love comes from.

Ceremonies of Change

I may be able to create a ceremony to help me bid a fond farewell to my own baby having experiences, and celebrate my entrance into the realm of mom older children. I could watch my birth videos, read my journals about how I wanted to be a mom of older kids, make a Birth book for each child with the pictures of their birth. research transition ceremonies, and invite women who would be interested in coming such as Kim Conti, Laura Luster, Holly Baker?, T-chelle, etc...
I could list activities and projects that I look forward to doing on my own, with my hubby, with my family...and meditate on these, ask the others to help me meditate on them, and project positive energy to me before focusing inwardly on their own ideas, and then have everyone share theirs....
This might be really fun!


December 15, 2009
As We Ebb and Flow Through Life
Changing Roles
As we bob and weave with the ebb and flow of life our roles change, but our true self remains constant. As spiritual beings having a human experience, we go through many aspects of humanity in one lifetime. Living in the material world of opposites, labels, and classifications, we often identify ourselves by the roles we play, forgetting that these aspects shift and change throughout our lives. But when we anchor ourselves in the truth of our being, that core of spirit within us, we can choose to embrace the new roles as they come, knowing that they give us fresh perspective on life and a greater understanding of the lives of others.

As children, we anticipated role changes eagerly in our rush to grow up. Though fairy tales led us to believe that “happily ever after” was a final destination, the truth is that life is a series of destinations, mere stops on a long journey filled with differing terrain. We may need to move through a feeling of resistance as we shift from spouse to parent, leader to subordinate, caregiver to receiver, or even local to newcomer. It can be helpful to bid a fond farewell to the role that we are leaving before we welcome the new. This is the purpose of ceremonies in cultures throughout the world and across time. We can choose from any in existence or create our own to help us celebrate our life shifts and embrace our new adventures.

Like actors on the stage of the world, our different roles are just costumes that we inhabit and then shed. Each role we play gives us another perspective through which to understand ourselves and the nature of the universe. When we take a moment to see that each change can be an adventure, a celebration, and a chance to play a new part, we may even be able to recapture the joyful anticipation of our youth as we transition from one role to the next.

I may be able to create a ceremony to help me bid a fond farewell to my own baby having experiences, and celebrate my entrance into the realm of mom older children. I could watch my birth videos, read my journals about how I wanted to be a mom of older kids, make a Birth book for each child with the pictures of their birth. research transition ceremonies, and invite women who would be interested in coming such as Kim Conti, Laura Luster, Holly Baker?, T-chelle, etc...
I could list activities and projects that I look forward to doing on my own, with my hubby, with my family...and meditate on these, ask the others to help me meditate on them, and project positive energy to me before focusing inwardly on their own ideas, and then have everyone share theirs....
This might be really fun!

Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men by Marcy Axness, Ph.D., with Trina Strauss

Something about this article touches me compassionately in a very deep place just below my sternum. How can I apply this currently when my children have all passed the infant stage? How can I invite my children's father in to complete the family bonds?


Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men

by Marcy Axness, Ph.D., with Trina Strauss

A mother’s attachment to her baby often begins long before birth. By the last trimester many mothers feel like they know their babies, having been enjoying for months their familiar, reassuring movements in the womb.

But what about fathers? What are their experiences during those wondrous nine months? How does the attachment process begin for them? Is a father’s only option to look on with wonder (and sometimes envy) at the beautiful relationship forming between his once-doting partner and this tiny interloper? Is it the extent of his calling to act as back-rubber, chauffeur and coach? Do these “staff support” roles reflect the monumental potential influence fathers have in their family’s life?

Fathers actually have a natural, even biological, inclination to begin attaching to their babies during pregnancy, but this is largely ignored by the scientific community and by our collective culture. We bemoan absent fathers, but do we really nurture the seeds of their involvement from the very beginning, when it may lay a critical foundation for later attachment?

When a couple announces that they are having a baby, the role of the mother is tightly defined. Her family, friends, co-workers and even strangers treat her in an unambiguous fashion: she is doted on, showered with attention (sometimes to their dismay), and regarded in a way that emphasizes her mother-to-be status. Her partner, on the other hand, has no designated, well-choreographed role to play. He is usually left to stumble along his path to fatherhood with little direction, or acknowledgment of his own internal processes.

Michael Trout, director of the Infant-Parent Institute in Champaign, Illinois, writes,

Our language and our culture clearly support the notion that it is never he, only his mate, who is expecting a baby. He is often treated as a donor, a bystander and-if he is any good at his multiple but vaguely-defined jobs-it is understood that he will be supportive of the one who is truly important, the only one who is doing any work, the truly pregnant one.

Yes, pregnancy is a lot of work for a woman’s body-rearranging ligaments, building blood volume and cranking out hormones. Oxytocin, the closest thing in Mother Nature’s pharmacy to an “elixir of love,” spikes at birth and is responsible for “biologically inspiring” many maternal behaviors: close contact with her newborn continually stimulates oxytocin release in the mother, causing her to experience intense feelings of caring and increased sensitivity to her baby’s cues.

But guess what? Fathers, too, experience a cascade of hormonal changes during pregnancy that quietly echoes that of their partner. During his mate’s pregnancy, a man’s oxytocin level begins to rise, encouraging him to desire closeness with his mate and child. Together with vasopressin, it makes a male more protective of his family and committed to their care. (Vasopressin has been called “the monogamy hormone” because it causes males to desire the comforts of home as opposed to the thrill of the chase!)

While prolactin is mainly recognized for its role in milk production in females, it belongs to the hormone group that promotes caring, bonding and attachment—in both mothers and fathers! Prolactin levels in the male also begin to rise during pregnancy and then, after a few days of close contact with the newborn, surge even higher, increasing his desire to care for and be close to his baby.

Pregnancy, birth and parenting awakens for all of us, mothers and fathers alike, old feelings and sense-memories of our own womb and babyhood experiences, which further makes parenthood a journey of unprecedented proportions. Though it is rare for a father to be considered “pregnant” along with his wife, why should he not be given this consideration and status? He, too, is on a profound, life-altering roller-coaster!

When Trina was pregnant, her husband Doug often spoke in terms of “us” and “we” with regard to the pregnancy, his language clearly reflecting his emotional and psychological participation in that monumental life event. One of his female colleagues was annoyed by this and would indignantly declare, “You, Doug, are not pregnant! When you get fat and have stretch marks and an aching back every night, come and talk to me!” This response is archetypal in our culture, a staple sitcom punch-line that unfortunately reflects the prevailing attitude.

Devon, a 29-year old computer technician, said that during his wife’s pregnancy he felt as if he had become invisible to everyone, including her (from whom he is now separated.)

I wanted a baby so bad! But after the initial excitement wore off, it was like, what do I do now? Michelle was totally into the baby and how her body was changing and how I didn’t get it. Everyone else acted like that too, like I could never understand since I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. But I felt like I was. I know it sounds really corny but I really did. It made me feel crappy that no one cared how I felt.

This is a common, if unspoken, experience. Perhaps as a result of this early exclusion, and feeling insufficient support and opportunity for forming a prenatal attachment, fathers often feel uninitiated and awkward with their newborns. Infants are exquisitely sensitive to emotional cues, and may react with discontent to a father’s insecurity. This can set off a cycle of uncomfortable and not-quite-right feelings between dad and baby. Defeated, the father may interpret this as confirmation that he is simply “not good with babies” and decide his efforts will be better received (and rewarded) “when the kid’s older.”

So how can dads jump-start their fathering during pregnancy? Several dads we spoke with indicated that laying their hands on the mother’s abdomen and making “contact” was a powerful experience. Kevin recalled lying with his wife in the early evenings and placing his hands on her still-flat belly. He whispered to the baby quietly, so his wife couldn’t make out what he was saying, and when she inquired, he’d grin and say, “This is a private conversation between me and my little girl.”

Mothers-to-be can be encouraging and sensitive to these delicate first steps, putting forth every effort to making their baby “accessible.”

Blake, father of eight-month-old Erica, described the weeks when Erica’s movements were first noticeable under his touch, and the emotional tidal wave that washed through him, carrying with it the reality of his unborn child. He reminisced of times when he could scarcely attend to his work during the day because he was so anxious to get home and feel his baby moving beneath his fingertips.

I liked to just lay with my head resting on Jess’s belly so I could breathe on her skin. I thought that maybe somehow, Erica could become accustomed to the feel of my breath surrounding her and she’d know how much I couldn’t wait to see her, and maybe she’d know me when she was finally born.

Fathers can be full participants during pregnancy, parents who are deeply affected by the experience of conceiving and loving a child and who process the experience in their own profoundly personal ways. We don’t need to designate a new “role” for fathers regarding this process; a role already exists, naturally-not as replicas of women or as assistants to carry the suitcase, but as the biologically inspired [MA1]caregiving partners they are designed by nature to be, and as men who long to be enthralled with the very presence of their unborn babies.

Trina Strauss is a doctoral student in the Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology program at Santa Barbara Graduate Institute, mother to 2-year-old Elijah and wife to Doug. This column is an adaptation of a research paper she wrote for a course with Dr. Axness, who, along with her husband John (who sang to their babies in the womb), this summer marks her 20th anniversary of parenthood. She can be reached 818-366-7310, or via her website at www.QuantumParenting.com.

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Though it is rare for a father to be considered “pregnant” along with his wife, why should he not be given this consideration and status? He, too, is on a profound, life-altering roller-coaster!
Pregnancy, Birth & Postpartum

* » Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men
* What Do We Really Need? Beyond the Store Purchases
* Raising Generation PAX: Peace Begins With How We Parent, from the Very Beginning
* Teach Me Your World, Mommy - Meaningful Early Education
* Lifelong Lessons From The Womb
* Moms & Dads, Who is the Boss of You? - The Force of Culture Upon Birth & Parenting Choices
* Honoring the New Mother - Telling Our Stories, Tending Our Souls
* Mother and Child Communion: A Collective Challenge for Our Future
* What Is The Primal Wound? Understanding mother-newborn separation
* When the Joy of the Mother is Missing - An Organic Perspective on Postpartum Depression
* Keeping Our Children Whole - Preventive Parenting in a Noisy World
* Of Love & Milk: Facing our Breastfeeding Ambivalence
* Holiday Invitation for the New Mother Or, How to Keep the Thanks in Thanksgiving

Topics:

* Fertility & Conception
* » Pregnancy, Birth & Postpartum
* From Infancy Onward
* For Birth Parents
* For Adoptive Parents
* For Adoptive Parents & Birth Parents
* For Adoptees & Birth Parents
* For Adoptees & Adoptive Parents
* For Adoptees

Articles Index

Re: strong response: don't read if you are sensitive today

>>>>> Why do you want to force him to do something he hates? How is it even "responsible" to force someone to do something hateful? ..... When they are pushed to do things "for others", they learn others are more important than they are.>>>

He made a committment to the choir to be there. Do I want to teach him not to keep his word? He didn't join the choir in a vacuum. There are other people in it.

<<>>

You are right. And now, because money is not unlimited, I will be hesitant to put him in to any other costly programs. He has a history of starting and leaving projects, classes, programs, etc..

<<>>

That is something you came up with. He has never expressed any such thing. It's about him and how bored he is. Not how he'd help the choir by leaving.

>>> my daughter swore that she loves schoolwork, and would love to do it at home, yet now that she has her free computer from the online school, she asks, "why would I actually read the book to get the right answers, it'd take a lot of time". and she sits at her computer all day playing club penguin. aaron has done the exact same thing.
> Good for them! They've discovered how to obtain and utilize a resource to do what they want to do! That's fantastic.>>>

I don't think you understand the situation here. You are congratulating them for figuring out how to steal. They made an agreement with the online school to do the schoolwork, knowing that they would have use of a computer during the school year. It was not just given to them. It is borrowed, or you might say purchased, through them doing the school work. Dh and I would end up in some kind of trouble possibly, legally or financially, allowing the kids to keep the computers and not do the work. They have monthly tests to do and send in in order to appear that they are doing the work.
They knew this from the beginning. I don't think that they understand, or want to understand that they can't just keep the computers. I am the contact between their "teachers" and them. I am the one responsible ultimately for the computers, and their use, and the agreement.

<<>

They agreed to in order for the school to send them the computers.

<<>>

I agree with you. I have one totally unschooled child by choice. 3 of them chose to do the online school, and 2 out of those 3 are backing out because they don't like the work. I want them to be able to make that decision. Dh and I have told them that they don't have to do the schoolwork, they can just send the computers back and they won't have to do any of the work... they can't make the decision and get angry if we try to make if for them. We've reached a compromise with our 7 year old, that we'll put the computer away for a week, to allow him to see more clearly if he wants to keep it or not. That way he can decide if he wants to do the schoolwork during that week or not, without the extra allure of that particular "personal" computer. He seems to be just fine sharing our computers with his siblings, and will probably end up sending his back in order to avoid all the writing recquired to keep it. My youngest daughter thoroughly enjoys her schoolwork. My oldest daughter is struggling with wanting to take the time away from Club Penguin to do the schoolwork (hold up her end of the bargain with the online school). My ds11 has already gone through the whole cycle of getting the computer/school books, keeping the computer for months without doing any schoolwork, and finally deciding that he didn't want to keep it after a longgggg very stressful struggle. He and his 7 year old ds claim that it is mean for the school to offer a computer if they are going to make you do the schoolwork. :)

>>>> If you are pushing them to do schoolwork and other things they would choose not to do, then its only natural that they would resist. And as long as they are using a lot of energy resisting, they won't be drawn to do other things that are challenging - they're working hard enough as it is. That's normal outside of radical unschooling. >>>

I don't push them to do *anything*. There are times when I need to go somewhere, and yes, it is a need, and they do not want to come. They want to go to their grandma's house (whom I have many issues with over her purposely making her house competitively desirable over mine).
I "make" them come with me. Plenty of other times, I'm not going far, and they can stay home.
I don't make them do housework, much to their father's chagrin. I don't make them do schoolwork. I don't make them cook. I don't make them help with the dog. I don't make them do anything.
>
>>>> Radically unschooled kids actively choose to do difficult things. They actively choose to work hard, to struggle with projects and concepts. They do that because its natural for humans to learn, we're driven to learn! and a challenge is a wonderful way to learn - but only when its freely chosen, every single moment.>>>

I've seen this in the different projects they take on. Making diagrams, woodcutting, painting, writing speeches, etc...

>>>When humans, even young children, have the power to stop what they are doing at any time, its not uncommon that we will persevere in the face of trial. Its one of the wonders of human nature.>>>

I wish this were true with my kids. They play CP all day. From morning to night. They refuse to eat with us as a family most of the time, or go with me on errands, resulting in me putting off trips that *I* want to go on. They have no restrictions on their playtime, other than sharing with their siblings.

>>> Step away from what you would like your kids' "responsibilities" to be, and see what motivates them - what makes their eyes shine? What will they do for hours, even if they're hungry or antsy or needing to pee? Find more ways to offer and support those things, the chosen challenges of your children.>>>

I've been doing this.

>>> But you Can do whatever you want. You have the right to hit them, lock them up, withhold food and other services. You have the right to treat them like prisoners, and others parents will laud you for it. Why don't you?>>>

Because I love them.

>>> You are choosing to do what you do to nurture and support these magnificent other beings! So that they may grow to learn the true meaning of generosity, and care, and kindness. They won't learn that from being pushed to be "responsible".>>>

So you think that I should have no issues with them agreeing to doing something and backing out on an agreement?

>>> Someone mentioned taking care of yourself, and I agree. If you're feeling low, its hard to find reasons to reach out to others. What do you need? Not "what do you need from these people" but what are your needs? Break them down into bite sized pieces so that they are manageable. Then, by all means communicate some of them to your kids! Ask them for help and support - but asking means they get to say no.>>>

I agree. I need to figure out what my needs are. But it'll be a process. I have 6 chilren. My husband is out of town often. I do not have money for a babysitter. My mother watches them about once every 2 weeks. My MIL I have issues with about parenting that make me less than excited to ask her to keep the kids. I push myself to the limits to be an attachment/unschooling parent when it is just me that is interested in being one. My dh prefers traditional parenting.


>>>If they're used to being told "no" when they ask something of you, then you may hear a lot of "no" for awhile.>>>

My dh would get a kick out of that. MY kids are rarely told no.

>>>> Here's a thought - you are asking for something that you are denying them. You're saying "when can I stop? when can I choose for me?" And yet you rail that your kids want exactly that! Offer them something you Didn't get, the option of saying "no" the option of stopping something they don't want to do. It won't ruin them. Being told they are irresponsible and don't take good enough care of you will hurt them, just like being told (overtly or subtly) that he was "the bad kid" damaged your brother. >>>

Hmm... food for thought.

>>> It doesn't sound like you learned much about love and generosity from your family of origen. I'm sorry! Do little things for yourself, little acts of self-care, every day. Love yourself, and find things to love about your life, about your children. Give to yourself and to your children out of love and a desire to bring a little more joy into the world - not a "responsibility" to give love and joy, but because so often, those are things that you get by giving them.>>>

my family of origin was anything but compassionate. It was neglectful and abusive. I am doing amazingly compared to what statistics would predict for me, a low income, government housing child with a sexually abusive father, in and out (mostly in) of prison, and a mom too concerned with her own emotional well being to care for me or my brother.
I grew up being the responsible one. I have always mothered my mother and my brother. I endured physical and emotional torture and came out the gleaming tower of responsibility and good in spite of it. Then I married into a family at 17 whom looked at me as that "rejected little girl who needed 'saved' from herself because of how she'd been raised". I did not need that criticism. I was doing fine critcizing myself.
I have already started taking time for myself, with a once a week study night (when my dh is in town). I want to be involved with birth, and am studying to be a Childbirth Educator. It's not enough. I have thought of putting the kids in school again. (I went through a depression where they had to be in for 6 months.)
I just can't do it. I love them and don't want them to be miserable like they were during that time. It was a fight to get them on the bus, it was lots of talking to help them process the meanness they found there from kids and teachers. It wasn't the life that I want to live with my kids. Unschooling is worlds better.
But how do I find time for me when my only babysitting option is my MIL/FIL who's values in parenting and spirituality are so opposite mine? Ultimately, I fear that the kids will get used to being with their grandparents daily and prefer that, as I have previously experienced...
I'm a mess aren't I?
While I'm writing this, I can just hear your responses. Your relationship with your inlaws is seperate from the one they have with your kids. Let them keep them so that you can build yourself up and be more appealing to the kids.
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed...
Value yourself, so your kids will feel safe to value themselves...
Sigh. I've still got a long way to go....
Thanks for letting me process this....
Michelle

Middle of the night/early morning revelations

I have begun waking up some nights at around 5:21am. Really, really early for my biological body clock that usually loves staying up past midnight and sleeping in past 10am. I went to sleep at around 1:30am, yet still woke up at 5:30 or 6am, not sure exactly when, because I tried to go back to sleep. I listened to both of my pagan CD's, each about 45 minutes each, and they sounded lovely. But my mind just wouldn't slow down. Could'be been due to the fact that I was woken up 3 times by my beautiful children wanting to come sleep with me.
My sweet Nathan woke up in his room, and I could here him getting out of bed saying, "I want to see my Mooommmy!" then again as he came down the hallway...
Jaidyn was afraid of pumpkin headed monsters, after she was awoken by her sister turning sideways and kneeing her off their sleeping pad on our bedroom floor. So she ended up in our bed. James has compromised with the kids that on Saturday nights they can sleep on our floor. And I will lay with them until they go to sleep in their rooms on other nights if they need me.
But I digress. I was thinking up all sorts of wonderful ideas about getting a food processor to grind finer wheat flour for healthier food, new board games that we can play as a family. Savannah liked our family night last night so much that she suggested we do it weekly.
spiderwebs at marc's for .89 for the halloween party, aromatherapy for Travis and I in addition to the vitamin d, finding an adventure book to read to the kids once or twice a week, and epic one that seems to go on forever to hold their interest.
buying a box with dividers to hold the clay and keep the colors seperated and the clay workable.
working on Travis' keyblade with him, watching youtube with the kids and getting ideas for things they may want to pursue
actually starting my discussions at the Doylestown library that I've been wanting to, such as the childbirth/pregnancy one, and the respectful parents, respectful kids one....or even the female reproductive health discussion. anything to boost my confidence in myself, and help me ward off these, poor me, I have no life if my kids dont' need me every second of the day, and me only feelings.
making decorations for the Halloween party, and being sure to plan ahead, not wait for the last minute to do everything...
talking to Gina about non-money ways that CORA could pay me such as discounts they may have a any stores, etc...
saying a family motto/saying before dinner while holding hands to raise family solidarity, like they do in the army...especially to create more of a James/Michelle family solidarity, not just the extended Schooling family... Oh my god. that's exactly what my MIL has been doing by having all these events at her house..building the Extended Schooling family solidarity. Thats why my kids complain so much when I say that the grandparents/cousins are ONLY extended family, not immediate family.. they have more solidarity in their minds for the extended than they do for their own immediate family. Sandi has created that, and James/I haven't made our immediate family solidarity as visible.... the kids are welcome to have both, but I do want them to have both.
I thought about music and its influence in the house, and how making music was the only way people used to be able to have it in their homes...It led me to thinking about asking the high school for discounts or freebies on musical instruments they have/no longer use...bells, xylophones, etc...
ok, I'm going to go walk Chloe now... I need some physical excercise.... :)

The Process is sooo frustrating!!

I am currently trying to please dh's wants for Travis' education... we have tried unschooling which Travis loves, and dh doesn't. We have tried Video Schooling thru Bob Jones. I hated it, so did Travis. It was curriculum. It would have satisfied dh.
Currently we have tried BOSS schooling.... Missouri curriculum. My thoughts were to minimize the amount of bookwork required to complete the grade. Travis would be compromising, dh would be mostly satisfied....
Now T. doesn't want to do the bookwork... he thinks that he just can't do it.. I think anxiety is playing a role here, and he just feels incapable... I don't know what to do. I left a message with his teacher asking if we could switch to all online classes where a teacher would teach him, and he wouldn't be able to push it off so easily because of the anxiety.... we may try it and see how it goes... he wants to. But I just wonder if all these things we are trying are just going to lead us to find out that unschooling is the best path for him... we are probably going to go the long way for dh's sake mostly and prove that Travis knows what he needs....
I'm frustrated mostly because I feel like I am the one doing all this work of preparing, calling the school, driving, trying to get him to do schoolwork, etc... all for dh.
I guess I could look at it as a way that I am meeting dh's needs..... helping him sort through what works for our family and what doesn't.....
If it were just me, I would just do what Travis feels. It's his life. He is his own person with his own unique capabilities and limitations....
I would be a little nervous, but would follow my gut, right or wrong.....

I experienced the difference between school and unschooling today

Just did science, geography, and weather map lessons with the kids... they were watching cartoons and a severe thunderstorm warning came through, prompting us to look it up online, hence the geography and weather map lesson. While we were busy, Nath...an got into the ice cream, prompting milkshakes on the deck, which led to discussing more about weather patterns, and directions-where the sun rises and sets, etc...

Life Learning Rules! on that same note... I taught cake class to 16 kids today, vs. my normal 5... I can now say from recent personal experience that mass learning does not give the same quality learning as a near 1:1 student/teacher ratio... then t...hrow in the kids dis-interest factor... and hmm..... what sticks in their brains??? OK. I'll get off my soap box now... and I did try to reign it in a lot...
ok, one last thing... "How many kids per teacher are there in a school setting??" oh yeah, a 'good' school setting ratio is 26 students to 1 teacher... I have to question the quality of that learning! Sorry. I just can't see it. The kid would have to be WAY motivated, i.e. interested, to learn, and be able to ignore all the distractions and kid-...management going on.... ok, really, I'll stop now. I'm gonna go write all this in my blog. It's one thing to hear about it, but to experience it today for myself... W.O.W.

Dealing with the Loss of Expectations

I have had to deal with the loss of expectations a lot lately. I have come to realize that most every day disappointments in life are there because we expected something to be a certain way, like life, marriage, our kids actions, our own actions, our relationships to mom, dad, brothers, sisters, what we thought we'd have by now, where we thought we'd live by now.... etc., etc.. etc... Just realizing that each person is where they are supposed to be, because we all take time to grow in our own way, has been very helpful to me. I don't get mad as quickly or as often at my kids because I am realizing (sometimes as I am telling them what I'd "expected" from them), that just because I think an 11 year old "should" act a certain way emotionally, doesn't mean that my 11 year old is as mature as this theoretical 11 year old in my head. Maybe he needs more time to grow. Maybe I should just treasure him as he is, and love him through the growing time. Isn't that what I want done for me?

So, dealing with the loss of expectations may seem hard at first, but it's oh so worth it! It makes life easier to breathe through, you can relax more, when you realize that life is relevant. Growth is relevant. Breathe. Love who you are now. Love your kids the way they are now. View life as a process.... trust that everyone grows.
Then you are free to savor life.

Life's Seasons

Spring and Summer,
Winter, Fall,
Seasons come and go.

The older I get
The more I learn
The more I want to know.

Experience begets
Love, laughter,
sorrow, and pain.

Memories, moments
Fall Away, Still...
the emotions left over
Hold their sway.

We love, we fight
we smile, we cry,
we struggle
we rest
we live
we die.

The Flow

Life goes on,
We ebb and flow
Times of growth
and times of slow

Ever reaching
Higher still
Evolving, Changing
Only as we Will.


Written at the Kalahari UWWG (unschoolers winter waterpark gathering)

The Spiritual Link between Birth and Death

Aunt Bev, Aunt Nonan, and all who shared Aunt Dorie's passing, this passage is written for you.
I am compelled to share the feeling that came over me, as I entered Aunt Dorie's hospice room a few days before her death.
There was a calm I'd expected after talking with Aunt Nonan prior to coming, but a familiarity in that calm that surprised me.
I needed to record what I learned in the short half hour I was there that evening. Bear with me as I make the connection between
two of life's great passages:


The Peaceful Cycle


Birth is such a spiritual process
When played out Naturally
Unbroken by intervention,
Bid Welcome.
No emergency, just a natural passage.

The Calm, the Steadfast Calm
The Pain Endured, in Silence shared
The Interconnection of our Souls palpable
The Love we share Empowering us.

The Laborer Surrounded and Strengthened
By family, Until the end comes....

Let the bells ring! We Celebrate!
A finished Work, A Life Begins!
And the cycle continues....

As in Birth, so in Death:

Dying is such a spiritual process
Unbroken by Intervention, Bid Welcome.
No emergency, just a natural passage
The Laboring Loved One suffers
Surrounded and Strengthened by Family

The Calm, the Steadfast Calm
The Pain Endured, in Silence shared,

The Intertwining of our Souls Palpable
The Love we share Empowering us.

Let the bells toll, We Celebrate.
A finished Work. A Life Lived.
And the cycle continues....


I felt such peace when I sat next to Aunt Dorie and held her hand. That peace was reflected in the eyes of our family along with the tiredness, and the sadness. I want to honor the Strength, Grace, and Beauty I saw in Aunt Dorie and her supporters. Thank you all for showing her your devotion. I love you.
Michelle

Positively glad to be Alive Thoughts at 2am!

Almost 2am, and I am wide awake. Maybe coffee at 10pm was not the best of ideas... yet I am truly enjoying my time at the moment, and the fact that I am getting my house much cleaner than it used to be, and much more organized, and I'm not done yet! I am making my own lavendar laundry soap, baby wipes, and facial cream from the cheapest and greenest ingredients I can find. James' grocery budgeting is a major part of our financial overhaul, and I believe that the book I am reading, 'How to Get What you Want, with the Money You Already Have' by Carol Keefe, is going to really help us in the savings department, AND make life more exciting!
I had a good visit with Jerren Helwig tonight, made a new friend, with differences, and similarities, and learned a lot about becoming a midwife. I have learned through watching the Ohio Families for Safe Birth message board, that I do not want to be a political activist. I think I want to be on much more of an intimate, spiritual level of the Safe Birth movement. I may become a CPM, eventually. We'll see.
Aaron, Jesse, and Nathan, just hit the sack about 20minutes ago. Boy are we all in for a grumpfest tomorrow, unless we sleep in late... actually, I'll make a mandatory naptime later in teh day, and we'll get the rest we need.
Yes, I said a mandatory nap time. I am realizing that being a complete 50/50 partner with my children is not going to work for our family. I would keep the level of unsure, underconfident, confusion if I lack sleep, and lack my parental authority position. Yes, I used the word authority. It has taken on a new meaning for me lately, probably the one that James has always thought it meant.... A caretaker. One who helps and guides the child when they cannot see the source of their unmet needs. Not one who teaches the child about her unmet need at the most vulnerable point, but one who deciphers that unmet need, and then supports the child through the emotions, and later discusses with the child how they got to such a vulnerable point, sharing stories of our own vulnerabilities.
I soooo do NOT want to make my children feel that they are to be controlled, are bad, or not good enough, or less than myself, or anyone else.... but I am seeing that at times, I DO know what they need better than they do. They do NOT know when they are tired, and it is affecting their mood. They refuse to admit that they are tired....
Well, maybe they are refusing my offering "the answer", of being tired, to their feelings, because they want to figure it out on their own, and if I approach it differently in the future, they will not say that they "are not tired", but will just admit that they need sleep, or comfort, or whatever.... I certainly plan to keep honing my respectful relationship skills with them, in the midst of regaining my perspective of what it means to me to be a parent.

Update on the Mom (in law) relationship

I talked to her today, quietly and honestly. I know she heard the hurt in my voice, as I told her that I couldn't use the money she gave me for my birthday, because if I bought sunglasses (or whatever), I would just feel hurt and rejection whenever I wore them because they came from her. She who said that I am now just the wife of her son, and the mother of her grandchildren. She who was my mother for so very long, and such an intimate part of my life. Too intimate for sure, but you cannot seperate from that closeness without being wounded, and even feeling the missing part long after the wound has healed.
I told her that I cannot feel good about keeping up such a sterile relationship. It feels fake. I desire a closer relationship with her other than only speaking when circumstances force us together, which is often. All the hurt from what she said to me, and what she says to others about me. gradually, but surely fades in my need for a loving mother. I remember the softness, not the hardness. I remember the love, not the disdain, and this ultimately brings me back to a place of yearning for that closeness, that sweetness that we had.
And maybe I perceived it a HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENTLY than she did. I was the child gaining sustenance from the parent, and she was the mentor doing her best to "raise" someone else's child. I perceived a commitment from her that she apparently was not giving. An unconditional love that was conditional.
I told her that in the future, she need not give me birthday gifts or presents of any sort. It does not feel good to me when I feel that I mean so little to her. It is a front. Something either done for appearances, or to make her feel good about herself for giving it to "her family".
I want to cry right now, but the release I am feeling from writing this is all I will get at the moment. I am needed as the mom downstairs.
Peace and Love I feel. The Light can only be felt in the presence of the Dark. Amen

The Unknown

Gods and Godesses, Darwin, Einstein, and the Holy Bible
The Koran, The Talmud, The Book of Mormon

Buddism, Toaism, Shintuism, Hinduism
Judaism, Wicca, and Catholocism

Religions and Holy books, Chocolate cake
How many guesses does it take?
One two three four,
No one knows

So I'm tired. I still have to complain, even though I may wake up with a more positive view tomorrow. Why does it feel like the kids don't want to be with me when they want to be with their grandparents? Or even just at their grandparents house? why do I feel so inadequate when they tell me that they want that one on one time with their grandma or grandpa? I feel like they shouldn't need anyone else but me. Nathan pretty much only wants me, but even now at age 2, he will say "I want Bam Ma house." And I think, what have I done wrong? What need of theirs am I not fulfilling that they want to go to someone else's house?
I should ask myself, what need do I have that is not being met when I feel so bad that my kids want some variety. They ARE at home, or with me somewhere MOST of the time. Why does it feel like they are rejecting me when they want to hang out with someone else for a while? I don't have an answer for that one right now.
I do know that I need to feel secure in my position as mom, and have no issues telling MIL that I will talk with dh about this, and let her know. I should also have no problem telling her that she is not to ask me in front of the children if they can spend the night. Well, the computer battery is dying, I guess I'll finish this later.
Weeks later, and I still have the same problem. It has more to do with my MIL rejecting me than it does the kids rejecting me... or maybe they are equal fears I have.

Healing....

Beginning to write memoirs and spill my emotions into my new blog has helped me to replace the bitterness and hurt, that I thought were immovable, with a renewed love for my MIL based on all the good that she did for me as a younger person. She is the best at nurturing that I have ever seen. Which was really good for me for many years, and filled that void that I had from my original parents. It may have been a little unbalanced, so that my FIL didn't really get a chance to fill that "dad" void, because she did so much nurturing... but that is being remedied now, thanks to my changes, and my love of myself. I can stand up to him, and he is feeling free to be honest with me on a less adversarial, more friendly basis. At least for a while lately. I hope it continues for the most part. I am truly enjoying talking with him lately. Not the content, but the atmosphere of our relationship. It seems so conducive to happiness in being our own two selves, yet co-existing!
My MIL on the other hand, is having a rough time being around me yet. Let alone talking honestly. I plan to do my best to love her out of that. I am so grateful for the love she shared with me in my teenage years that I want to pay her back now. Maybe that's part of what hurt her so badly was that she thought that I was completely rejecting all the love that she had given me. I believe that her idea of love is wrapped up in trying to "help" a person by sharing what has worked for giving her happiness, and she doesn't get that it may take something else completely to give someone else happiness....
I think I completely threw her for a loop by telling her thanks for helping me grow up, and now "I don't need you anymore", in so many words. Maybe she felt used. Taken advantage of. That really lines up with how many times she's brought up that out of context comment I made about her having been my "nanny, housekeeper, and best friend all in one".... Ouch. When I think of it in those terms, I really feel for her. I think she truly believes that I took what I needed from her, and decided to throw her away after that. Yikes. That must've been hell to accept. Of course she didn't ask me if that's what I was doing... she did assume. But she is human. And I have accepted that now.
I am ready to let her know that I can handle her emotions now. I think. I don't want to have her blow up at me, feel hurt, and then get angry again because I'm hurt again..... I just have to think of it in the context
of giving us a second chance at a relationship that some people never get.

March 17th, Green Day (or blue)

Today is St. Patrick's Day, and the first day it's really felt like spring. We've had some 40 and 50 degree days, but today most of the chill was gone, and it was 59 degrees. I slept on the deck for an hour while Nathan napped and the kids played on the trampoline and the computer. I feel really grubby though. Is it my lack of shower? The fact that I stayed up until 1am again... dumb, dumb, dumb... I am learning that staying up late REALLY does NOT benefit me in the long run!
Taking Celexa is causing me to gain weight, and I have 8 lbs. of flab that I'm not used to having. I need a change. I think I'm going to cut my hair. It's in the "barrette" stage again, where that's the only way I wear it. Or in a ponytail that looks unkempt.
Girl scouts tonight. I hope I can go to escape responsibility, but I don't want to go to see MIL, or even talk to the other moms. We don't really have all that much in common. Besides, when I get time out of the house, and I'm not actually doing things with James or the kids, I'd rather just chill. Not talk to people I don't have much in common with. I'm grumpy. It's a beautiful day, and I'm grumpy. Savannah is doing something mysterious downstairs. I cannot imagine that she is cleaning, unless she is folding laundry... It's quiet, and besides, I already swept the whole downstairs. And straightened it up. There IS a mountain of laundry to be done.... but maybe she is baking. I think she might be making cookies, because she said that she wanted some sugar. She told me not to go downstairs. :) Usually that means cleaning surprises, which I love!
Huh. My mood could possibly have something to do with the fact that I am on my period. Funny how I just forget that, and it gets discounted. Maybe cleaning up the kids rooms would make me feel better. Harumph. I am going to just going to sit here with the littles and chat while they eat their apples. :)

Moving On...

I am very angry with myself. I don't like being so needy. I don't like the effect Sandi and John have on me. I thought they were my parents. I found out that they are not. I am treated differently than their children and I respond to them differently than their children. Their children seem to have an understanding that no matter how angry they get with each other, or how much they disagree, or argue, that they will always love each other. I do not have this trust in Sandi and John. And they do not have the love for me that they do for their boys.
I feel the disgust that they feel towards me, and I hear the words they say to me about us not having anything in common except the fact that I am the wife of their son and the mother of their grandchildren, and I feel the complete rejection that those words imply. They do not feel a connection to me. They only felt connected to the actions that I was taking. Now that I do not take those actions, I am no longer welcome as part of their emotional family circle.
The rejection I feel from that hurts. Cuts my heart into ribbons. Destroys any desire to allow myself to feel warmth for them. It deadens any hope that I had for having parents that love me unconditionally.
I have been doing my damndest to build up my emotional strength to be able to handle that dream being crushed.
Unfortunately,continued contact with them, and continued arguing exposes me to my vulnerability. Then dad tells me that I can trust him. And that he loves me. And that little girl in me pulls on my sleeves crying and screaming, "Believe them, believe in them!! I need a mom and a dad who love me!" Despite her voice, I hold it together, telling my little girl that I can be all that she needs as a parent. And I feel stronger. I feel more grown up.
Until my husband tells me that I should trust that they love me, and accept the abuse that I feel coming from them as something unintended, and my resolve melts in my tears. The little girl surfaces in my heart, and I feel crushed once again. I am so tired of being yanked from one extreme emotion to another. I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard?





I feel like singing the Dora theme song... I did it, I did it. But not really an excited I did it. Just a satisfied I did it.
I just got off the phone with Mom Schooling. I was able to work through my feelings (that I wrote about above) this morning. I had such a wall up going to sleep, because I just didn't have the strength to be hurt anymore. When I woke up, I felt it. A wall blocking my True Self from being. Or at least making it a huge struggle to show my True Self through the veil of my bitter hurt. I wanted to get angry at myself for being weak enough to be hurt. But since I know now that I need to have compassion on myself, I used Susan's suggested method of going inside and talking to the part of me that is hurt. I pictured myself at 15 or 16 years old. I remember a pic of me with my pink glasses on and a white/mint green jacket, in Crystal's bedroom. My hair was in a barrette and hanging down my shoulders, chest length, and it was one of my 'looking good without makeup' days. I was a teenager wanting so badly to be loved, and that teenager was the one feeling hurt last night when James re-opened my wound by telling me that he thinks his parents do love me.
Deep, deep down, at some extremely base level of my soul, I know that. But it is so hard to get in touch with the trust in that when my teenage soul is crying out, "I just want to be shown that I am loved! I want to be trusted! That is how I feel loved! And when they are telling me how I should parent my kids, godammit, especially in front of me! I feel like they see me as a child! I need to be seen and loved and trusted as an adult!" Occasionally I see remnants of the love that they used to show me come through to me. But that isn't the kind of love that I need from them now. I need a new, peer, trust kind of love. I guess I am going to have to be the one to show them that.
Maybe, like Travis is the barometer for our family's children,... maybe I am the barometer for their family's children. I am the one with the combination of the most sensitivity (meaning the most in touch with ones inner Self), and the need/guts to be honest about it. Maybe I will bring in a new era of understanding to this family.... Aided by James of course, because I'm not sure that I could have come to this point without his verbal and emotional help. And I'll try not to hold that against him. The fact that I couldn't do it without his help I mean. Because in my old life rulebook, if I couldn't do it on my own, then I wasn't good enough. I guess I'm going to have to struggle with that one and re-write it.
Anyway, I hugged myself, right there in my bed this morning, and pictured the adult me, the one that I've grown up into, putting my arms around the teenage me, and trying to reassure her. I talked both girls roles out verbally. Teenage Me didn't want to talk at first, so I just held her, and told her to cry it out. She did a lot of crying last night, so all that came out were a few hot tears slipping down her cheeks following the slow build up of that pin pricky stuffed up nose, throat tightening feeling humans get when they begin to cry. I just held her for a while, and allowed the hurt to flow through. Then I (Adult Me) told her that I was here to be the one she could lean on for unconditional love. I am strong enough for her. She doesn't need to feel like she has to handle this emotional load. She can go to sleep and rest.
And Adult Me is able to see my inlaws good intentions, through the veil of Teenage Me's hurt. When Teenage Me goes to sleep, Adult Me has a clearer emotional picture. My mother in law has the same hurts and fears from her childhood that I do. Bravo and Kudos to me for being the one to work through them first. And thank you Unschoolers for your help in challenging me to think through my beliefs.
I am healing. I feel a small growing hope that maybe our extended family will grow emotionally as a result of all of this conflict. My inlaws will quite possibly be forced to re-examine their beliefs. Their love for us will not allow them to run from us, or push us, when we stand up for what we believe in. And even voicing that hope, that possibility, is a step forward.

Cool article written by a 15 year old AU, who went to high school in 9th grade

Education From the Free Eye
Written by Kevin Snavley

All my life I have unschooled. The only thing that could be remotely considered school that I attended was pre-school, and of course, that was all fun and games. That was just life, how things were. I always wondered in the back of my head what it was like to be there, in a school building all day. How horrible it was to sit there for hours on end being lectured by crazy teachers and doing hours of homework. And then somewhere in between most of my friends going to school and me wondering, I got caught up in "catching up" to everyone else. For a while, around age 12, I always wanted to be on-track with the kids at school. It was probably because I felt stupid or less intelligent than them, which really wasn't the case. They just knew more meaningless facts than I did. It took me until last year to finally realize that, and to truly understand the reasons and joys of unschooling. Why it really is so much better than public school.

For as long as I can remember I have had friends that have gone to public school. Always. I've never actually had true unschooling friends aside from my cousins. So in a way, I sort of grew up with slightly hybrid thinking. One defending or longing to be in public school, and one completely against it all with pro-unschooling opinions. My parents always told us why public school is bad, but of course as a kid I'm not really going to understand. I never had the experience to. So I just kind of accepted that it was a bad place that I shouldn't be until I was about 14. Because I didn't go to school I always thought I had horrible writing abilities, and a bus load of other things. I finally made the decision to go to my freshman year of high school so I could figure it all out. Why is public school widely considered better? Why do my parents and unschooling parents everywhere preach it's a bad place to be? Why is unschooling so much better? I got all of my answers.

I would be lying if I said I went 100% percent for personal reasons. I had one friend in particular who was pro-school completely and thought I was wasting my life. In a way, I wanted to prove to her that I could do it, and if/if not it was better than unschooling. I guess up until I started writing this I had forgotten about that completely. I kind of kept the fact that this whole thing was an experiment in the back of my mind. I mean, it did feel nice to be "normal". But is it best? For the sake of writing this I'm going to skip through the school year and spare you the details of explaining the entire 9 months. School was exactly as I expected. Well, the whole face of it was anyway. It wasn't as close to as horrible as my parents said it was. The days went by pretty fast, it wasn't horribly boring, and I got to see my friends. The one thing I noticed the first day though, was how little "socialization" time there is. That's one thing all the kids say, "I get to hang out with my friends!". Definitely not the kind of "hanging out" I was used to. At that point it seemed like a stupid reason to want to be there.

After being there a few weeks, I started to realize the being I truly am. I wasn't stupid, not even close. If anyone was stupid it was the other 90% of the kids that were there. Everyone raved about my writing, my honors English teacher included. I did good in all my classes despite NEVER having a formal lesson in anything. That's when I realized that me, an unschooler, never been "taught" anything that these kids have, is doing better at the game than they are. Pretty ironic, no? Some of my favorite classes were Honors English 1, Japanese 1, and Jazz Choir. Those were the best.

Something I really began to hate about the school days was waking up at 6:30 am, staying there for six hours, then swimming for another 2, before going home to do meaningless homework. The first semester I got pretty lazy, and ended with a 3.3 GPA. Still, better than most kids, but not my best. Second semester I ended with a 3.8. I couldn't stand the fact that I was surrounded by unmotivated, stupid (not the academic way, the general manner they acted) people. Another trend I noticed was "can't". EVERYBODY used that one. The whole 9 months all in all were good for me. Negatives and positives. I learned that what I was doing before was BETTER than what kids at school get, I learned that what my parents told me wasn't completely heresy, I experienced something that I had never done before, the mystery was gone, and best of all, I can now defend the unschooling philosophy without any doubt in my mind and be credible at the same time. I also understood why public school kids act like they do. It's called loss of motivation.

I quickly realized that if I had to endure that shit for 9 years, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. Friends have told me "you would have been a complete honors student!". I say no, I would've have been a lazy ass bum that wanted nothing more than a couch in life. (Which, I might add I learned a lot from TV. But you get my point. ;P) The thing that made me responsible, smart, and motivated was my unschooling life. And as stupid, annoying, unmotivated, whatever most of the public school kids are, you really can't blame them. While the other public school kids that can relate to me somewhat complain about them as well; they don't understand either. You never really can unless you have lived a free life. (Something else that I realized were the people that I was already friends with, were some of the most intelligent people in the building. How's that for coincidental?) Some personalities are different and can endure 12 years of school plus college, most cannot. Between teachers telling them they're not good enough, and wasting years of their life on something that doesn't really matter, they get fried. Most of the time it goes unnoticed too, you just kind of evaporate. I started to feel the same thing happening to me just in those nine months. Every thought you have, dream you want to fulfill, inspiration that strikes you, it all goes on the back burner, and eventually you just forget how to live any other way altogether.

Would I recommend sending a kid to school? Absolutely not. It's much too easy to lose your way. One thing I would advise though is to find unschooling friends. Would I recommend any other unschoolers go to school? If it's going to do them good like me, sure. If they want to see what it's like, sure. Otherwise, it's going to be a shit hole. Plain and simple. It would be beneficial for everyone to see what it's like, but not everyone can go through it with the same view point. So like everything else in our lives, it's up to us to make that decision. But now here I am, the year I thought would never end completed, and I have to decide what I want to do for the remaining 3. Over the last few days I've really been reflecting about what I truly want. Is it to finish high school, deal with everything I don't like, and benefit from the things I do? Or stop and go straight to college, and focus on what I want with life? That's something I'll be thinking about for a while.

How I found my Way

Wow. Parts of this I could have written myself. I love this post.

How I found my way as a Mother, Wife, Friend.... ME...

Posted by: "littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com" littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com

Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:53 pm (PST)

my mom has told me
"the difference is, he's an easy child"
"the difference is, you are a stay at home mom"

I've been guilty of the difference is comments also
"the difference is, your child doesn't have special needs"
"the difference is, your husband doesn't work the night shift"
"the difference is, you have family nearby to help"

I'm starting to move past the "the difference is" comments, and listen
to what people have to say and instead of saying "that wont work" I
say "is there a way that might work"...

this is only recent for me - the last 2-3 months or so I've grown a
lot in this area... it's easier to have reasons why something wont
work for you, or why someone cant possibly understand you. and
sometimes, something won't work for you, and sometimes the person
doesn't understand you, but you gain more knowledge with an open mind
then a closed mind. It's amazing how many times I said "that wouldnt
work with MY kids" and now those things ARE working with my kids.. I
had tried them in the past and they didnt work... what changed? *I*
did. It didnt work before because my heart and mind were not in the
right place, but with changes in MY thinking I have seen changes in
other's around me that have been nothing short of eye opening for me.

As my *children* get older I don't find myself thinking "oh now I see
what my mom was saying" but more so as *I* grow I am seeing "oh, now I
see how it is possible to be more gentle and get results and still not
be permissive". I think when my children are older I may look back on
this and possibly think *my* current approach is controlling. It's
amazing how much control we (general) hold onto without realizing it,
and how that actually gets in our way and in the way of our children
and loved ones, instead of guiding them to their personal best.

I have learned that when there is a power struggle there is usually
something *I* need to change to get the desired results. Before I
thought it was something I needed to change in them, when it was more
so something I needed to change in their environment and in *my*
approach. I understand some parents feel kids should do things because
they said so. For me, I'm happy if my kids do things they should do
that keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into genuine good
hearted people, even if they do these things without prompting, or
even if I have explain why and letting them decide, instead of
insisting they do it my way "because Im the parent"

I see many times, "this kid needs to stay still while I put his socks
on because I said so" where as, I have no problem saying "oh you want
to be upside down while I put your socks on! okay!" and my sons socks
are on 1 minutes later and they are still busy demanding the child sit
still. I may seem permissive to them, but really we are just
cooperating instead of fighting for power and control.

It is normal for a person to want to feel in control. I see sometimes
that my children want to control me. And sometimes I want to control
them. For some reason, we feel in control of ourselves when we control
others. I guess this makes sense, as we feel in control of our
surroundings, helping us personally feel in control of ourselves. I am
starting to learn that I can be in control of myself even if I am not
in control of the people around me. I have been teaching my children
the same. "You feel really out of control right now, but to gain
control you need to control yourself, not mommy/daddy/brother" etc."
and everyone in my family has been coming a long way since we have
been learning to control ourselves without controlling others

in effect, we've had a lot less tantrums and I've felt much more
peaceful! Because feeling "out of control" is a big cause for tantrums
in children in stress in adults!

I have to laugh at everything I have said here, 6 months ago I'd think
anyone saying these things were nuts and none of that could possibly
work in my life. It really makes me excited to embrace my personal
growth and our family's journey through life! I think once you hit
that turning point (if you chose to) that life in general seems to
shift to a whole new way. I'm no longer subconsciously fighting for
control! And in result, I am surrounded by cooperation! So now its not
just one or two things that I have allowed to change, but I have
opened myself up to all future changes. Things are happening a lot
quicker now. We've made more progress in the last 3 months then we
have in the last 3 years combined.

Its kind of like, there was this river of knowledge, and I was on the
other side of the dam.. and I kept walking near the dam. poking the
dam. saying, removing that dam is a bad idea. a little water trickled
through now and again, and good things happened, but still I was
weary. One day all those little trickles turned into a puddle and I
realized, breaking this dam is a GREAT idea. so I knocked it down and
the knowledge and growth is flooding. My mind is just saturated and
all the life on the other side of the dam is growing and flourishing
like never before. And I am looking back to where the dam once was and
smiling. Some beaver worked so hard to build that thing. And there was
probably good cause at the time. But right now, that dam doesn't need
to be there. Then I am looking over at the river next to me and the
person there is smiling back and they don't need to say I told you
so... but I am so greatfull for all those times they encouraged me to
poke at my dam and let a little water come through. for all the people
who contributed to my puddle. And finally it all came together that
there wasn't a leak in my dam, there was a blockage in my river. And
then I am smiling at the friend next to me who is thinking, are you
crazy! your broke the dam! now you have water everywhere!! and then
they poke there own dam and some water trickles through.

it's really a great joy. and it's okay that some people like the dam
there too, for them it might need to be there right now, it might need
to be there forever, we're all different, we all protect ourselves in
different ways. breaking the dam can make us vulnerable at first, and
perhaps part of is that we had to be strong enough to break the dam in
the first place. that is another journey in itself... I'm thinking I
found my strength to break my dam by sticking up to my mom and no
longer letting her be a toxic person in my life.

now everyone is thinking I really have fallen into the deep end but
now I can swim!

The 'Disease' that I WANT to have for the rest of my life!

Symptoms of Inner Peace

"Inner peace is a communicable disease that could possibly infect
your
home or workplace. You may already be showing signs of it and quite
possibly be passing it along to others!
You may have already caught this disease!
See how many of these symptoms you exhibit:

1. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears
based on past experiences. (As of 3-1-09, I have this symptom about 75% of the time! :)
2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. (As of 3-1-09, I have this symptom often, I think it could be a constantly growing ability as you live and learn.)
3. A loss of interest in judging self. (3-1-09,Absolutely 100%!)
4. A loss of interest in judging others. (3-2-09, probably 75-80%... almost there!)
5. A loss of interest in conflict. (95% of the time, especially in my immediate family! Awesome. 3-2-09)
6. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. (Hmmm... I thought this was a good thing, at least I use it for good. :)
7. A loss of ability to worry (this is a serious symptom). (I'm ok with this, probably 60%)
8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation. (This certainly happens more than it used to, and I'm looking forward to it increasing!)
9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature. (Absolutely. I have never experienced these feelings before, and recently discovered them. I plan to experience them more and more.)
10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart. (Not frequently enough. 3-2-09)
11. Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others as well as
the uncontrollable urge to extend it. (Absolutely! Freedom!!)
12. An increasing tendency to let things happen. (Yup.)

If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised
that your condition of PEACE may be so far advanced
as to not be treatable."
You can NOT ask your Doctor about this one.

- Jeff Rockwell (American Chiropractor) as quoted by Steve Goodier

I have never felt more at peace, more myself, just MORE. Life is good.

A Day in our Always Learning Life - I'm Back!!!!

I wanted to record our day today, because I realized the "educational" aspect of some of the parts of our day, and it reminded me that since we came home from the Kalahari Unschoolers Winter Waterpark Gathering, I've been wanting to record our learning.
Today, we have had Health, Science, and Psychology, Home Ec, Math, Physical Education, Computer, and Art. Just off the top of my head.
In Health, we discussed food, and its purposes, and effects on the body. Aaron instigated Science when he wanted to play with the lighter. I showed him how to use it, and he used it to light the candle. Jaidyn, Jesse, and Nathan were standing around with us, and we experimented with putting the lid on the candle jar to see what would happen. We did this a few times illustrating that fire needs oxygen to burn. We watched the flame "eat up" the oxygen, and then go out. Psychology goes on all day every day at our house. With 8 personalities under one roof there is plentiful opportunity to discuss human interaction, emotions, underlying causes, attitudes, etc., etc... We baked cookies (and ate cookie dough) for
Home Ec, which also included some Math (fractions). The kids had Phys Ed chasing each other, and running around outside (all the while using their imaginations). The Art was intertwined with the Phys Ed, because before they went outside, we made "wearable coffins" (just like on Sponge Bob) out of two old pizza boxes, some measuring tape, a brad tack, scotch tape and a rubber band. Good cheap fun! Jesse burnt trash in the backyard, that's gotta count for something, right?! For Computer, we researched Mega Bus tickets for Travis' America's Got Talent Audition in March, watched YouTube videos, played around on Facebook, and checked our emails. Jesse has his own Facebook page now.
Next we'll be doing Cooking class, making some Mini Chinese Egg Rolls. Maybe even reading some Chinese New Year books, and that'd count for Social Studies...
Amazing how much learning you can pack into one day at home, and that's only a fraction of the learning. Just what I could come up with in 15 minutes or so.
God, am I glad to be back in the land of the living. Depression sucks the life out of you.

Outgrowing my footed jammies

Tonight I am ruminating over the pain a certain person in my life has caused me. Different comments she has made to me, or to other people about me keep running through my mind, and the overall picture that I a get from them is that she really didn't think much of me, I seemed to fall short of her ideal in so many ways, and she spent over 10 years of her life trying to fix me... The exact quote for that one was, "She's hurt because she feels like she's put over 10 years of her life into you...". How the hell am I supposed to take that? What else could it mean but that she was trying to mold me, and unfortunately, I'm not turning out the way that she wanted me to... It sucks. It sucks because it hurts so deeply. The grown up part of me is going to have to have a sympathetic talk with the little hurt girl part of me, and be the comfort that I thought I'd always get from her.
Really, I am glad that the grown up part of me finally grew up enough to realize what was going on. To realize that I wasn't being allowed to grow as myself. I was being cut, and folded, and squeezed, and cajoled, and pushed, and manipulated into becoming her vision of what a woman should be.
I'm glad to finally be unfolding, mending the cuts, expanding, and ignoring everyone else's demands on me.
I do things now because I want to. I have a hell of a lot less resentment. The anger I've held in over the years has been slowly releasing, and is nearing the end of it's life. It's control over my emotions is gone. I can think freely now. It's a bittersweet relief, though, because with all this freedom comes a lack of the sweet comfort that was there along with the control. The "you just do as your told, and I will take care of everything for you, and I love you sooo much that I want to help you live your life, and teach you how to live it right!" It was the mommy I'd always wanted. But my little girl grew into a teen, and my teen into a young woman, and suddenly all that care was pinching me. I'd outgrown it like a pair of footed pajamas. They used to be so warm and comforting, and they still are warm, but they just feel constricting now in a lot of places... and when I first took them off, I was freezing! But then, I found my own size of clothing, and it may not be as totally encompassing as those footed jammies, but the freedom is worth it.
Now I just have to figure out how to get some warmth out of my other relationships. Being abandoned twice, no, three times in my life, has just about eaten up all the trust I can muster. Faith in adults is hard for me to come by.

Still growing....

My kids are growing, from almost 13 down to 2 years old. I never really thought this far ahead before I had kids... it was a dream to have babies to take care of and 5 year olds to have slumber parties with. Yet, life cycles on, and I'm evolving more than I ever knew was possible. I am so happy to be where I am.

Savannah wrote, "I am proud of my daughter because she has read 47 pages of the book called ice mummy! its a very interesting book."

Actually, I am proud of her because she read something that she was interested in. Her reading about her interests is sooooo much more important to me that how long she read, or how many pages it was. It's so much more real life to read and retain because you are interested. She is currently in school where they are trying to format her according to how much she can "accomplish".

Things are busy tonight. All the older three kids have more homework than normal because their teachers gave them last weeks homework to catch up on. Jesse's teachers just said, "We missed you!". Travis's teachers, especially Mrs. Storad, said, "Tell your mom that next time she needs to give me more notice than the day that you leave." I understand where she's coming from, and I will give her more notice next time..., but I will be glad to leave this unreal world of grades, pushing, and shoving as soon as possible.
Well, I'm gonna go eat a chocolate peanut butter pie that my mom made for me!