Bitchin' and Moanin'

Ok, this is going to be a bitch session. So there's my disclaimer... I am going to let out my fearful, angry assumptions.. You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of u and me.... I know this is possibly what I am doing, but I need to get this out.

I began boiling when James' dad asked him on the phone, "so did you do ALL the cooking?" and I'm sure he implied that I had left James to do all the work, since James' reply was, "She let me sit down. She did the dishes and made the mashed potatoes."

I am GD, F%&*ing, sick, with a capital S, of being thought to be this lowly white trash, not good enough for their son, immature, selfish, irresponsible person whom they have the Godly responsibility to save. And as of late, they've put the saving part on the back burner, in shock by all the changes I am making in my life. I'm sure their number 1 thought about me is "how low will she go?"
And damn it, I'm NOT going low at all! I am just different than what their idea of an "ideal wife and mom" is. And certainly right now, I am not up to all that I would like to be either... It just makes me so angry to think of how John will go back to Sandi (and yes, I am purposely putting their names because I am distancing myself from the hurt of them being "mom and dad"), and say to her how james did most of the cooking for Thanksgiving dinner, and they will wonder what I was doing all that time. And they will think it over and assume that I am just being my selfish self, just exceptionally so right now because I have "rejected God" and become more "worldly" giving in to my "fleshly desires of selfishness".
I feel so rejected when I think that they feel that way. Not because I fear in any way shape or form that they are correct, but because they are the mom and dad I never had, and I only desire their approval. Their disapproval feels like rejection all over again.
ok. so now I feel better after getting the pain out. Mostly. I soooo want to feel strong enough to not need them or their approval... I don't even want to need them without their approval, because that would leave me open to being hurt. I want to just trust the people who love me unconditionally. James and my kids. Anyone else is off limits for any kind of intimacy. It scares the hell out of me to feel so vulnerable. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't need anybody. That way I wouldn't give a f*&% what anyone thought about me.
This probably isn't the healthiest place to be in, but it's where I am right now. And all from some tiny little comment, probably not even meant to hurt, maybe even just a question... but it took the thin layer of protection, the thin membranous scar forming over the deep abscess of hurt in my heart, and pierced it straight through, allowing me to feel the deep hurt once again. Will I ever heal?

I have returned...

Today is November 24th, 2008. I came home last Sunday, which would have been the 16th. I'd been feeling like staying away from home was becoming more of a burden to my emotional state than a help, so when James and I were coming home from our post Retrovaille session, and he told me that he needed me to come home, I didn't hesitate. I'm glad that we both started feeling it at the same time. Up to that point, he'd been encouraging me to stay on haietus. So all in all, I think I was either at my Great Aunt's or my Mom's house for 30 days. I think maybe 3 or 4 of those nights I stayed home. My Celexa began kicking in the day I came home, and even more the week I was home. I began pushing myself too far the 3rd or 4th day I was home, baking too much, trying to do more work than I have energy for... even tonight, I baked and iced 5 dozen cookies in the midst of making dinner, helping with homework, changing diapers, and holding bowls for throw up... I am online now because I haven't gotten to sit down and journal at all in the week I've been home... well, maybe once. But I was used to journaling multiple times daily and having plenty of thinking time. It's a good thing I'm on Celexa. It gives me breathing room to make the choice to take care of myself.
It's good to be home with the kids. Stepping back from my life allowed me to see how much school does take them away from me. How having six children to divide your time between makes it a MAJOR effort to be close to all of them, and just to know what's going on in their lives. But, it is what it is, and I love each one of them so much it hurts. I wanted to be the perfect mother, so that they wouldn't have to suffer a childhood like mine. I'm now learning and relearning how to be the best mom I can be... no such thing as perfect.
Well, I need to get my sleep, so I can be the best me. It's nice to sit and blog, though... I've missed it. Honestly, while I was away, I got so low that I had nothing positive to say... suicide/death were common thoughts... then the Celexa began working it's magic, and I can face life's trials without thinking that it's just not worth the effort.
It's good to be home with my family. And I am so thankful to James for encouraging me to take that time for myself, and being the stand up husband and dad that he is. He is very dedicated, and I love him for that! (amoung many other things.. :)