Ahhhh..... A place where I can be bitter and not be judged.

This is great! A blog where I can just let it all out, and not worry about people (yes, Dad, I do mean you this time), getting into my blog and trying to 'figure' me out so they can "fix" me.
There's bound to me a little frustration here for a while, cuz that's just all part of pulling away from a big mess that you lost yourself in, and finally allowing yourself to be your own person.
For more than ten years now, I've been trying to bushwhack myself into being someone I am not. I beat myself up for needing space/time to myself, I beat myself up for cursing when I felt I really needed to, I beat myself up for just about everything in my life because I thought what I was doing was "wrong" according to someone else's standards.
But God Damn It, I want to be free to be me! I also want to be loved as me. Not someone else's version of me!... And unfortunately, when you've felt so unlovable as the real you for so long, you tend to get angry and distant, and also quite defensive when you are attacked. Or when you feel like you are being attacked for being yourself. My life is full of people who have thought for so long that one person or group of persons can be "right" about a lot of things, that they tend to come across as very authoritative. Authoritative meaning to me that they think they are the authority on life. They have right/wrong nailed down, and are willing to share their wisdom. And they get annoyed if you do not take their advice. Damn it, I sound like a "rebellious" teen. I hate all those stereotypes. I actually have had two people agree with me/tell someone else that that's what it's like for me right now. At age 31, I am feeling like I'm at the beginning of my teen years, just now allowing myself to "find myself"... which is really just another stereotype for a person who is learning to listen to their own inner guide instead of following someone else's.
Wow. I think I need to get some counseling. :) No. For real. But that's ok. (Now it is. I used to think that counseling was only for people who didn't have God, or didn't lean on him or "His Word" - the KJV for emotional support.) But how do you lean on it when it's just an inanimate book sitting there, it doesn't talk to you, it doesn't ask you questions, and allow you to go deeper, and inspect what's going on with you.... It just says (if you read it) that you are a worthless piece of sh** who is going to hell, and you'd better start praying and fearing, or you're never going to get all that bling bling when you finally do leave this miserable world, even if God does let you into the pearly gates based on his awesome son's shed blood. You'd better just feel lucky that he allowed your miserable ass to even hear that story, if not, then you'd be damned. Some loving God.
Wow. I do have some bitterness, huh? I changed the title of this post from Aaaahhh... peace. to what it is now. :)