Where does love come from?
Contemporary science tells us that love is built into us. As the great researcher, Allan Schore, proves, we enter the world pre-wired to love the first person who takes care of us. Once an infant is born it works like this. When an infant sees his mother gazing at him with love in her eyes, happy neuro-chemicals flood the infant's brain. The child feels happy. He or she likes this feeling and wants more of it. This sets up an attachment to the source of this good feeling. Since the good feeling comes from mom, the kid starts to love mom. We are genetically set up so that when the brain gets a good dose of those happy-making chemicals, we grow neurons in our brain. These neurons form the basis of our feeling confident in the world. They enable us to create and sustain loving connections with other people.
As we grow into childhood, when we receive the proper emotional attunement from our loved ones, our brains continue to develop and we mature our natural propensity to love and be loved. It is when we get our emotional needs met that we grow the ability to love more and more people in deeper and deeper ways. John Bowlby makes a great case that this built in ability to love is evolutionarily adaptive. That is, it contributes to the survival of our species. Helpless infants and mothers need to be bonded because little babies can't survive without that protection and care. Without love, we do not thrive. Those neurons that grow from love also contribute to the development of our ability to think, feel, create, imagine, act and care for ourselves in the best possible way. Our ability to love and connect is what is natural and adaptive. Our destructive aggressiveness happens when our natural emotional needs for a loving relationship get frustrated.
When we understand that our love is innate, we realize that children are not bad without a moral basis and need to be "trained" and restrained to be obedient. This view that children are evil and need to be broken has justified all kinds of abuse. We now know that this kind of child rearing leaves permanent scars. Instead, if our task as parents is to cultivate the love that already exists in our child by giving love, it makes our job clear. Our children are precious with potentials that need to be nurtured, nourished and lovingly tended.
Our natural ability to love is our common human bond. Mencius, Confucius's disciple, said that every human heart is alike. When we realize this, this becomes our basis for living. Since we are all alike, we must live our lives according to the golden rule, which has been understood in every culture and religion, including the philosophy of Confucius. The Chinese character for this reciprocity, that is, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, is shu, which is a combination of the characters for "heart" and "alike." Its common meaning is forgiveness.
Our central core of loving compassion is what Mencius called heart. This is what he believed defined what it meant to be truly human or humane. This natural empathy, or the ability to feel what others feel, is what Mencius used as the primary proof that man is essentially good. In order to be fully human, we need to cultivate and develop this heart of compassion.
If this is the case, then the best thing we can do for ourselves, the ones closest to us, and for the planet is to develop our ability to love. Certainly, as we understand the great chain of being, it is our love that helps grow love in our children. Though we understand this scientifically today, this wisdom was understood by Confucius and his follower, Mencius, 2500 years ago. Confucius's main concern was human relationship. He understood that we were in alignment with our intrinsic purpose on this planet when we were able to have the best relationship with others.
The Confucians believed that our whole society needed to be built on this principle. Our leaders needed to run the state so that relationships would be in greatest harmony and there would be the ultimate conditions for the realization of love. This is a great model for our own leaders and one we need to encourage them to embrace.
As part of this societal imperative, learning about love needs to be central to our education. 70 years ago, Franklin Roosevelt, after seeing the catastrophe of a world war, said that schools needed to expand from the three R's to four: reading, writing, arithmetic and relationships. He believed that the very survival of the world depended on us learning how better to love and connect through relationship and that it was the responsibility of society at large to provide this direction. In some ways we seem further from this educational goal almost a century later.
This common core of love also means that we do not need to look outside of ourselves for what we seek to become in life. Confucius also said, "the measure of man is man." What this means is that we can all begin where we are, and by developing our best attributes, we can become wise, strong, passionate and optimally loving.
Confucius's idea of this ideal person was captured by the Chinese character, Jen. This character is made up of the characters for "man" and "two," signifying that the measure of an individual is his or her ability for good relationship. The ideal person is one who can connect with others, who can love.
Within each of us is such a fine person, because we can become one, given the proper cultivation. This begins with how we are raised. But once we become grown ups, we need to take over the task of cultivation. We must self-cultivate.
How do we develop our capacity for love and compassion? This is an especially important question because not one of us received the optimal nurturance growing up.
Confucius would say that this begins with tireless self-education. We must explore our great cultural heritage to understand what the pilgrims who have gone before us have learned about love and how to achieve it. We must imagine this ideal, and continue to develop this image so that we have a goal to aim for. We must immerse ourselves in the arts, because this is the food of love.
Finally, our heart of love and compassion is cultivated through our actions, what we do every day. Each day we must practice living up to our highest vision of love. We become more humane - we find our hearts - through giving. To be what we are meant to be, we need to open ourselves and passionately risk all for the sake of loving others.
Science has now joined philosophy and spirituality in understanding that love is our root, answer, and what we are made of. Through a commitment and devotion to a lifetime of self exploration, you must travel within yourself to find the lost and hidden heart, because there you will discover that the source of love is within yourself. That's where love comes from.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Ceremonies of Change
I may be able to create a ceremony to help me bid a fond farewell to my own baby having experiences, and celebrate my entrance into the realm of mom older children. I could watch my birth videos, read my journals about how I wanted to be a mom of older kids, make a Birth book for each child with the pictures of their birth. research transition ceremonies, and invite women who would be interested in coming such as Kim Conti, Laura Luster, Holly Baker?, T-chelle, etc...
I could list activities and projects that I look forward to doing on my own, with my hubby, with my family...and meditate on these, ask the others to help me meditate on them, and project positive energy to me before focusing inwardly on their own ideas, and then have everyone share theirs....
This might be really fun!
December 15, 2009
As We Ebb and Flow Through Life
Changing Roles
As we bob and weave with the ebb and flow of life our roles change, but our true self remains constant. As spiritual beings having a human experience, we go through many aspects of humanity in one lifetime. Living in the material world of opposites, labels, and classifications, we often identify ourselves by the roles we play, forgetting that these aspects shift and change throughout our lives. But when we anchor ourselves in the truth of our being, that core of spirit within us, we can choose to embrace the new roles as they come, knowing that they give us fresh perspective on life and a greater understanding of the lives of others.
As children, we anticipated role changes eagerly in our rush to grow up. Though fairy tales led us to believe that “happily ever after” was a final destination, the truth is that life is a series of destinations, mere stops on a long journey filled with differing terrain. We may need to move through a feeling of resistance as we shift from spouse to parent, leader to subordinate, caregiver to receiver, or even local to newcomer. It can be helpful to bid a fond farewell to the role that we are leaving before we welcome the new. This is the purpose of ceremonies in cultures throughout the world and across time. We can choose from any in existence or create our own to help us celebrate our life shifts and embrace our new adventures.
Like actors on the stage of the world, our different roles are just costumes that we inhabit and then shed. Each role we play gives us another perspective through which to understand ourselves and the nature of the universe. When we take a moment to see that each change can be an adventure, a celebration, and a chance to play a new part, we may even be able to recapture the joyful anticipation of our youth as we transition from one role to the next.
I may be able to create a ceremony to help me bid a fond farewell to my own baby having experiences, and celebrate my entrance into the realm of mom older children. I could watch my birth videos, read my journals about how I wanted to be a mom of older kids, make a Birth book for each child with the pictures of their birth. research transition ceremonies, and invite women who would be interested in coming such as Kim Conti, Laura Luster, Holly Baker?, T-chelle, etc...
I could list activities and projects that I look forward to doing on my own, with my hubby, with my family...and meditate on these, ask the others to help me meditate on them, and project positive energy to me before focusing inwardly on their own ideas, and then have everyone share theirs....
This might be really fun!
I could list activities and projects that I look forward to doing on my own, with my hubby, with my family...and meditate on these, ask the others to help me meditate on them, and project positive energy to me before focusing inwardly on their own ideas, and then have everyone share theirs....
This might be really fun!
December 15, 2009
As We Ebb and Flow Through Life
Changing Roles
As we bob and weave with the ebb and flow of life our roles change, but our true self remains constant. As spiritual beings having a human experience, we go through many aspects of humanity in one lifetime. Living in the material world of opposites, labels, and classifications, we often identify ourselves by the roles we play, forgetting that these aspects shift and change throughout our lives. But when we anchor ourselves in the truth of our being, that core of spirit within us, we can choose to embrace the new roles as they come, knowing that they give us fresh perspective on life and a greater understanding of the lives of others.
As children, we anticipated role changes eagerly in our rush to grow up. Though fairy tales led us to believe that “happily ever after” was a final destination, the truth is that life is a series of destinations, mere stops on a long journey filled with differing terrain. We may need to move through a feeling of resistance as we shift from spouse to parent, leader to subordinate, caregiver to receiver, or even local to newcomer. It can be helpful to bid a fond farewell to the role that we are leaving before we welcome the new. This is the purpose of ceremonies in cultures throughout the world and across time. We can choose from any in existence or create our own to help us celebrate our life shifts and embrace our new adventures.
Like actors on the stage of the world, our different roles are just costumes that we inhabit and then shed. Each role we play gives us another perspective through which to understand ourselves and the nature of the universe. When we take a moment to see that each change can be an adventure, a celebration, and a chance to play a new part, we may even be able to recapture the joyful anticipation of our youth as we transition from one role to the next.
I may be able to create a ceremony to help me bid a fond farewell to my own baby having experiences, and celebrate my entrance into the realm of mom older children. I could watch my birth videos, read my journals about how I wanted to be a mom of older kids, make a Birth book for each child with the pictures of their birth. research transition ceremonies, and invite women who would be interested in coming such as Kim Conti, Laura Luster, Holly Baker?, T-chelle, etc...
I could list activities and projects that I look forward to doing on my own, with my hubby, with my family...and meditate on these, ask the others to help me meditate on them, and project positive energy to me before focusing inwardly on their own ideas, and then have everyone share theirs....
This might be really fun!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men by Marcy Axness, Ph.D., with Trina Strauss
Something about this article touches me compassionately in a very deep place just below my sternum. How can I apply this currently when my children have all passed the infant stage? How can I invite my children's father in to complete the family bonds?
Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men
by Marcy Axness, Ph.D., with Trina Strauss
A mother’s attachment to her baby often begins long before birth. By the last trimester many mothers feel like they know their babies, having been enjoying for months their familiar, reassuring movements in the womb.
But what about fathers? What are their experiences during those wondrous nine months? How does the attachment process begin for them? Is a father’s only option to look on with wonder (and sometimes envy) at the beautiful relationship forming between his once-doting partner and this tiny interloper? Is it the extent of his calling to act as back-rubber, chauffeur and coach? Do these “staff support” roles reflect the monumental potential influence fathers have in their family’s life?
Fathers actually have a natural, even biological, inclination to begin attaching to their babies during pregnancy, but this is largely ignored by the scientific community and by our collective culture. We bemoan absent fathers, but do we really nurture the seeds of their involvement from the very beginning, when it may lay a critical foundation for later attachment?
When a couple announces that they are having a baby, the role of the mother is tightly defined. Her family, friends, co-workers and even strangers treat her in an unambiguous fashion: she is doted on, showered with attention (sometimes to their dismay), and regarded in a way that emphasizes her mother-to-be status. Her partner, on the other hand, has no designated, well-choreographed role to play. He is usually left to stumble along his path to fatherhood with little direction, or acknowledgment of his own internal processes.
Michael Trout, director of the Infant-Parent Institute in Champaign, Illinois, writes,
Our language and our culture clearly support the notion that it is never he, only his mate, who is expecting a baby. He is often treated as a donor, a bystander and-if he is any good at his multiple but vaguely-defined jobs-it is understood that he will be supportive of the one who is truly important, the only one who is doing any work, the truly pregnant one.
Yes, pregnancy is a lot of work for a woman’s body-rearranging ligaments, building blood volume and cranking out hormones. Oxytocin, the closest thing in Mother Nature’s pharmacy to an “elixir of love,” spikes at birth and is responsible for “biologically inspiring” many maternal behaviors: close contact with her newborn continually stimulates oxytocin release in the mother, causing her to experience intense feelings of caring and increased sensitivity to her baby’s cues.
But guess what? Fathers, too, experience a cascade of hormonal changes during pregnancy that quietly echoes that of their partner. During his mate’s pregnancy, a man’s oxytocin level begins to rise, encouraging him to desire closeness with his mate and child. Together with vasopressin, it makes a male more protective of his family and committed to their care. (Vasopressin has been called “the monogamy hormone” because it causes males to desire the comforts of home as opposed to the thrill of the chase!)
While prolactin is mainly recognized for its role in milk production in females, it belongs to the hormone group that promotes caring, bonding and attachment—in both mothers and fathers! Prolactin levels in the male also begin to rise during pregnancy and then, after a few days of close contact with the newborn, surge even higher, increasing his desire to care for and be close to his baby.
Pregnancy, birth and parenting awakens for all of us, mothers and fathers alike, old feelings and sense-memories of our own womb and babyhood experiences, which further makes parenthood a journey of unprecedented proportions. Though it is rare for a father to be considered “pregnant” along with his wife, why should he not be given this consideration and status? He, too, is on a profound, life-altering roller-coaster!
When Trina was pregnant, her husband Doug often spoke in terms of “us” and “we” with regard to the pregnancy, his language clearly reflecting his emotional and psychological participation in that monumental life event. One of his female colleagues was annoyed by this and would indignantly declare, “You, Doug, are not pregnant! When you get fat and have stretch marks and an aching back every night, come and talk to me!” This response is archetypal in our culture, a staple sitcom punch-line that unfortunately reflects the prevailing attitude.
Devon, a 29-year old computer technician, said that during his wife’s pregnancy he felt as if he had become invisible to everyone, including her (from whom he is now separated.)
I wanted a baby so bad! But after the initial excitement wore off, it was like, what do I do now? Michelle was totally into the baby and how her body was changing and how I didn’t get it. Everyone else acted like that too, like I could never understand since I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. But I felt like I was. I know it sounds really corny but I really did. It made me feel crappy that no one cared how I felt.
This is a common, if unspoken, experience. Perhaps as a result of this early exclusion, and feeling insufficient support and opportunity for forming a prenatal attachment, fathers often feel uninitiated and awkward with their newborns. Infants are exquisitely sensitive to emotional cues, and may react with discontent to a father’s insecurity. This can set off a cycle of uncomfortable and not-quite-right feelings between dad and baby. Defeated, the father may interpret this as confirmation that he is simply “not good with babies” and decide his efforts will be better received (and rewarded) “when the kid’s older.”
So how can dads jump-start their fathering during pregnancy? Several dads we spoke with indicated that laying their hands on the mother’s abdomen and making “contact” was a powerful experience. Kevin recalled lying with his wife in the early evenings and placing his hands on her still-flat belly. He whispered to the baby quietly, so his wife couldn’t make out what he was saying, and when she inquired, he’d grin and say, “This is a private conversation between me and my little girl.”
Mothers-to-be can be encouraging and sensitive to these delicate first steps, putting forth every effort to making their baby “accessible.”
Blake, father of eight-month-old Erica, described the weeks when Erica’s movements were first noticeable under his touch, and the emotional tidal wave that washed through him, carrying with it the reality of his unborn child. He reminisced of times when he could scarcely attend to his work during the day because he was so anxious to get home and feel his baby moving beneath his fingertips.
I liked to just lay with my head resting on Jess’s belly so I could breathe on her skin. I thought that maybe somehow, Erica could become accustomed to the feel of my breath surrounding her and she’d know how much I couldn’t wait to see her, and maybe she’d know me when she was finally born.
Fathers can be full participants during pregnancy, parents who are deeply affected by the experience of conceiving and loving a child and who process the experience in their own profoundly personal ways. We don’t need to designate a new “role” for fathers regarding this process; a role already exists, naturally-not as replicas of women or as assistants to carry the suitcase, but as the biologically inspired [MA1]caregiving partners they are designed by nature to be, and as men who long to be enthralled with the very presence of their unborn babies.
Trina Strauss is a doctoral student in the Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology program at Santa Barbara Graduate Institute, mother to 2-year-old Elijah and wife to Doug. This column is an adaptation of a research paper she wrote for a course with Dr. Axness, who, along with her husband John (who sang to their babies in the womb), this summer marks her 20th anniversary of parenthood. She can be reached 818-366-7310, or via her website at www.QuantumParenting.com.
top
Though it is rare for a father to be considered “pregnant” along with his wife, why should he not be given this consideration and status? He, too, is on a profound, life-altering roller-coaster!
Pregnancy, Birth & Postpartum
* » Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men
* What Do We Really Need? Beyond the Store Purchases
* Raising Generation PAX: Peace Begins With How We Parent, from the Very Beginning
* Teach Me Your World, Mommy - Meaningful Early Education
* Lifelong Lessons From The Womb
* Moms & Dads, Who is the Boss of You? - The Force of Culture Upon Birth & Parenting Choices
* Honoring the New Mother - Telling Our Stories, Tending Our Souls
* Mother and Child Communion: A Collective Challenge for Our Future
* What Is The Primal Wound? Understanding mother-newborn separation
* When the Joy of the Mother is Missing - An Organic Perspective on Postpartum Depression
* Keeping Our Children Whole - Preventive Parenting in a Noisy World
* Of Love & Milk: Facing our Breastfeeding Ambivalence
* Holiday Invitation for the New Mother Or, How to Keep the Thanks in Thanksgiving
Topics:
* Fertility & Conception
* » Pregnancy, Birth & Postpartum
* From Infancy Onward
* For Birth Parents
* For Adoptive Parents
* For Adoptive Parents & Birth Parents
* For Adoptees & Birth Parents
* For Adoptees & Adoptive Parents
* For Adoptees
Articles Index
Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men
by Marcy Axness, Ph.D., with Trina Strauss
A mother’s attachment to her baby often begins long before birth. By the last trimester many mothers feel like they know their babies, having been enjoying for months their familiar, reassuring movements in the womb.
But what about fathers? What are their experiences during those wondrous nine months? How does the attachment process begin for them? Is a father’s only option to look on with wonder (and sometimes envy) at the beautiful relationship forming between his once-doting partner and this tiny interloper? Is it the extent of his calling to act as back-rubber, chauffeur and coach? Do these “staff support” roles reflect the monumental potential influence fathers have in their family’s life?
Fathers actually have a natural, even biological, inclination to begin attaching to their babies during pregnancy, but this is largely ignored by the scientific community and by our collective culture. We bemoan absent fathers, but do we really nurture the seeds of their involvement from the very beginning, when it may lay a critical foundation for later attachment?
When a couple announces that they are having a baby, the role of the mother is tightly defined. Her family, friends, co-workers and even strangers treat her in an unambiguous fashion: she is doted on, showered with attention (sometimes to their dismay), and regarded in a way that emphasizes her mother-to-be status. Her partner, on the other hand, has no designated, well-choreographed role to play. He is usually left to stumble along his path to fatherhood with little direction, or acknowledgment of his own internal processes.
Michael Trout, director of the Infant-Parent Institute in Champaign, Illinois, writes,
Our language and our culture clearly support the notion that it is never he, only his mate, who is expecting a baby. He is often treated as a donor, a bystander and-if he is any good at his multiple but vaguely-defined jobs-it is understood that he will be supportive of the one who is truly important, the only one who is doing any work, the truly pregnant one.
Yes, pregnancy is a lot of work for a woman’s body-rearranging ligaments, building blood volume and cranking out hormones. Oxytocin, the closest thing in Mother Nature’s pharmacy to an “elixir of love,” spikes at birth and is responsible for “biologically inspiring” many maternal behaviors: close contact with her newborn continually stimulates oxytocin release in the mother, causing her to experience intense feelings of caring and increased sensitivity to her baby’s cues.
But guess what? Fathers, too, experience a cascade of hormonal changes during pregnancy that quietly echoes that of their partner. During his mate’s pregnancy, a man’s oxytocin level begins to rise, encouraging him to desire closeness with his mate and child. Together with vasopressin, it makes a male more protective of his family and committed to their care. (Vasopressin has been called “the monogamy hormone” because it causes males to desire the comforts of home as opposed to the thrill of the chase!)
While prolactin is mainly recognized for its role in milk production in females, it belongs to the hormone group that promotes caring, bonding and attachment—in both mothers and fathers! Prolactin levels in the male also begin to rise during pregnancy and then, after a few days of close contact with the newborn, surge even higher, increasing his desire to care for and be close to his baby.
Pregnancy, birth and parenting awakens for all of us, mothers and fathers alike, old feelings and sense-memories of our own womb and babyhood experiences, which further makes parenthood a journey of unprecedented proportions. Though it is rare for a father to be considered “pregnant” along with his wife, why should he not be given this consideration and status? He, too, is on a profound, life-altering roller-coaster!
When Trina was pregnant, her husband Doug often spoke in terms of “us” and “we” with regard to the pregnancy, his language clearly reflecting his emotional and psychological participation in that monumental life event. One of his female colleagues was annoyed by this and would indignantly declare, “You, Doug, are not pregnant! When you get fat and have stretch marks and an aching back every night, come and talk to me!” This response is archetypal in our culture, a staple sitcom punch-line that unfortunately reflects the prevailing attitude.
Devon, a 29-year old computer technician, said that during his wife’s pregnancy he felt as if he had become invisible to everyone, including her (from whom he is now separated.)
I wanted a baby so bad! But after the initial excitement wore off, it was like, what do I do now? Michelle was totally into the baby and how her body was changing and how I didn’t get it. Everyone else acted like that too, like I could never understand since I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. But I felt like I was. I know it sounds really corny but I really did. It made me feel crappy that no one cared how I felt.
This is a common, if unspoken, experience. Perhaps as a result of this early exclusion, and feeling insufficient support and opportunity for forming a prenatal attachment, fathers often feel uninitiated and awkward with their newborns. Infants are exquisitely sensitive to emotional cues, and may react with discontent to a father’s insecurity. This can set off a cycle of uncomfortable and not-quite-right feelings between dad and baby. Defeated, the father may interpret this as confirmation that he is simply “not good with babies” and decide his efforts will be better received (and rewarded) “when the kid’s older.”
So how can dads jump-start their fathering during pregnancy? Several dads we spoke with indicated that laying their hands on the mother’s abdomen and making “contact” was a powerful experience. Kevin recalled lying with his wife in the early evenings and placing his hands on her still-flat belly. He whispered to the baby quietly, so his wife couldn’t make out what he was saying, and when she inquired, he’d grin and say, “This is a private conversation between me and my little girl.”
Mothers-to-be can be encouraging and sensitive to these delicate first steps, putting forth every effort to making their baby “accessible.”
Blake, father of eight-month-old Erica, described the weeks when Erica’s movements were first noticeable under his touch, and the emotional tidal wave that washed through him, carrying with it the reality of his unborn child. He reminisced of times when he could scarcely attend to his work during the day because he was so anxious to get home and feel his baby moving beneath his fingertips.
I liked to just lay with my head resting on Jess’s belly so I could breathe on her skin. I thought that maybe somehow, Erica could become accustomed to the feel of my breath surrounding her and she’d know how much I couldn’t wait to see her, and maybe she’d know me when she was finally born.
Fathers can be full participants during pregnancy, parents who are deeply affected by the experience of conceiving and loving a child and who process the experience in their own profoundly personal ways. We don’t need to designate a new “role” for fathers regarding this process; a role already exists, naturally-not as replicas of women or as assistants to carry the suitcase, but as the biologically inspired [MA1]caregiving partners they are designed by nature to be, and as men who long to be enthralled with the very presence of their unborn babies.
Trina Strauss is a doctoral student in the Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology program at Santa Barbara Graduate Institute, mother to 2-year-old Elijah and wife to Doug. This column is an adaptation of a research paper she wrote for a course with Dr. Axness, who, along with her husband John (who sang to their babies in the womb), this summer marks her 20th anniversary of parenthood. She can be reached 818-366-7310, or via her website at www.QuantumParenting.com.
top
Though it is rare for a father to be considered “pregnant” along with his wife, why should he not be given this consideration and status? He, too, is on a profound, life-altering roller-coaster!
Pregnancy, Birth & Postpartum
* » Inviting Fathers In: The Tender Beginnings of Attachment in Men
* What Do We Really Need? Beyond the Store Purchases
* Raising Generation PAX: Peace Begins With How We Parent, from the Very Beginning
* Teach Me Your World, Mommy - Meaningful Early Education
* Lifelong Lessons From The Womb
* Moms & Dads, Who is the Boss of You? - The Force of Culture Upon Birth & Parenting Choices
* Honoring the New Mother - Telling Our Stories, Tending Our Souls
* Mother and Child Communion: A Collective Challenge for Our Future
* What Is The Primal Wound? Understanding mother-newborn separation
* When the Joy of the Mother is Missing - An Organic Perspective on Postpartum Depression
* Keeping Our Children Whole - Preventive Parenting in a Noisy World
* Of Love & Milk: Facing our Breastfeeding Ambivalence
* Holiday Invitation for the New Mother Or, How to Keep the Thanks in Thanksgiving
Topics:
* Fertility & Conception
* » Pregnancy, Birth & Postpartum
* From Infancy Onward
* For Birth Parents
* For Adoptive Parents
* For Adoptive Parents & Birth Parents
* For Adoptees & Birth Parents
* For Adoptees & Adoptive Parents
* For Adoptees
Articles Index
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Re: strong response: don't read if you are sensitive today
>>>>> Why do you want to force him to do something he hates? How is it even "responsible" to force someone to do something hateful? ..... When they are pushed to do things "for others", they learn others are more important than they are.>>>
He made a committment to the choir to be there. Do I want to teach him not to keep his word? He didn't join the choir in a vacuum. There are other people in it.
<<>>
You are right. And now, because money is not unlimited, I will be hesitant to put him in to any other costly programs. He has a history of starting and leaving projects, classes, programs, etc..
<<>>
That is something you came up with. He has never expressed any such thing. It's about him and how bored he is. Not how he'd help the choir by leaving.
>>> my daughter swore that she loves schoolwork, and would love to do it at home, yet now that she has her free computer from the online school, she asks, "why would I actually read the book to get the right answers, it'd take a lot of time". and she sits at her computer all day playing club penguin. aaron has done the exact same thing.
> Good for them! They've discovered how to obtain and utilize a resource to do what they want to do! That's fantastic.>>>
I don't think you understand the situation here. You are congratulating them for figuring out how to steal. They made an agreement with the online school to do the schoolwork, knowing that they would have use of a computer during the school year. It was not just given to them. It is borrowed, or you might say purchased, through them doing the school work. Dh and I would end up in some kind of trouble possibly, legally or financially, allowing the kids to keep the computers and not do the work. They have monthly tests to do and send in in order to appear that they are doing the work.
They knew this from the beginning. I don't think that they understand, or want to understand that they can't just keep the computers. I am the contact between their "teachers" and them. I am the one responsible ultimately for the computers, and their use, and the agreement.
<<>
They agreed to in order for the school to send them the computers.
<<>>
I agree with you. I have one totally unschooled child by choice. 3 of them chose to do the online school, and 2 out of those 3 are backing out because they don't like the work. I want them to be able to make that decision. Dh and I have told them that they don't have to do the schoolwork, they can just send the computers back and they won't have to do any of the work... they can't make the decision and get angry if we try to make if for them. We've reached a compromise with our 7 year old, that we'll put the computer away for a week, to allow him to see more clearly if he wants to keep it or not. That way he can decide if he wants to do the schoolwork during that week or not, without the extra allure of that particular "personal" computer. He seems to be just fine sharing our computers with his siblings, and will probably end up sending his back in order to avoid all the writing recquired to keep it. My youngest daughter thoroughly enjoys her schoolwork. My oldest daughter is struggling with wanting to take the time away from Club Penguin to do the schoolwork (hold up her end of the bargain with the online school). My ds11 has already gone through the whole cycle of getting the computer/school books, keeping the computer for months without doing any schoolwork, and finally deciding that he didn't want to keep it after a longgggg very stressful struggle. He and his 7 year old ds claim that it is mean for the school to offer a computer if they are going to make you do the schoolwork. :)
>>>> If you are pushing them to do schoolwork and other things they would choose not to do, then its only natural that they would resist. And as long as they are using a lot of energy resisting, they won't be drawn to do other things that are challenging - they're working hard enough as it is. That's normal outside of radical unschooling. >>>
I don't push them to do *anything*. There are times when I need to go somewhere, and yes, it is a need, and they do not want to come. They want to go to their grandma's house (whom I have many issues with over her purposely making her house competitively desirable over mine).
I "make" them come with me. Plenty of other times, I'm not going far, and they can stay home.
I don't make them do housework, much to their father's chagrin. I don't make them do schoolwork. I don't make them cook. I don't make them help with the dog. I don't make them do anything.
>
>>>> Radically unschooled kids actively choose to do difficult things. They actively choose to work hard, to struggle with projects and concepts. They do that because its natural for humans to learn, we're driven to learn! and a challenge is a wonderful way to learn - but only when its freely chosen, every single moment.>>>
I've seen this in the different projects they take on. Making diagrams, woodcutting, painting, writing speeches, etc...
>>>When humans, even young children, have the power to stop what they are doing at any time, its not uncommon that we will persevere in the face of trial. Its one of the wonders of human nature.>>>
I wish this were true with my kids. They play CP all day. From morning to night. They refuse to eat with us as a family most of the time, or go with me on errands, resulting in me putting off trips that *I* want to go on. They have no restrictions on their playtime, other than sharing with their siblings.
>>> Step away from what you would like your kids' "responsibilities" to be, and see what motivates them - what makes their eyes shine? What will they do for hours, even if they're hungry or antsy or needing to pee? Find more ways to offer and support those things, the chosen challenges of your children.>>>
I've been doing this.
>>> But you Can do whatever you want. You have the right to hit them, lock them up, withhold food and other services. You have the right to treat them like prisoners, and others parents will laud you for it. Why don't you?>>>
Because I love them.
>>> You are choosing to do what you do to nurture and support these magnificent other beings! So that they may grow to learn the true meaning of generosity, and care, and kindness. They won't learn that from being pushed to be "responsible".>>>
So you think that I should have no issues with them agreeing to doing something and backing out on an agreement?
>>> Someone mentioned taking care of yourself, and I agree. If you're feeling low, its hard to find reasons to reach out to others. What do you need? Not "what do you need from these people" but what are your needs? Break them down into bite sized pieces so that they are manageable. Then, by all means communicate some of them to your kids! Ask them for help and support - but asking means they get to say no.>>>
I agree. I need to figure out what my needs are. But it'll be a process. I have 6 chilren. My husband is out of town often. I do not have money for a babysitter. My mother watches them about once every 2 weeks. My MIL I have issues with about parenting that make me less than excited to ask her to keep the kids. I push myself to the limits to be an attachment/unschooling parent when it is just me that is interested in being one. My dh prefers traditional parenting.
>>>If they're used to being told "no" when they ask something of you, then you may hear a lot of "no" for awhile.>>>
My dh would get a kick out of that. MY kids are rarely told no.
>>>> Here's a thought - you are asking for something that you are denying them. You're saying "when can I stop? when can I choose for me?" And yet you rail that your kids want exactly that! Offer them something you Didn't get, the option of saying "no" the option of stopping something they don't want to do. It won't ruin them. Being told they are irresponsible and don't take good enough care of you will hurt them, just like being told (overtly or subtly) that he was "the bad kid" damaged your brother. >>>
Hmm... food for thought.
>>> It doesn't sound like you learned much about love and generosity from your family of origen. I'm sorry! Do little things for yourself, little acts of self-care, every day. Love yourself, and find things to love about your life, about your children. Give to yourself and to your children out of love and a desire to bring a little more joy into the world - not a "responsibility" to give love and joy, but because so often, those are things that you get by giving them.>>>
my family of origin was anything but compassionate. It was neglectful and abusive. I am doing amazingly compared to what statistics would predict for me, a low income, government housing child with a sexually abusive father, in and out (mostly in) of prison, and a mom too concerned with her own emotional well being to care for me or my brother.
I grew up being the responsible one. I have always mothered my mother and my brother. I endured physical and emotional torture and came out the gleaming tower of responsibility and good in spite of it. Then I married into a family at 17 whom looked at me as that "rejected little girl who needed 'saved' from herself because of how she'd been raised". I did not need that criticism. I was doing fine critcizing myself.
I have already started taking time for myself, with a once a week study night (when my dh is in town). I want to be involved with birth, and am studying to be a Childbirth Educator. It's not enough. I have thought of putting the kids in school again. (I went through a depression where they had to be in for 6 months.)
I just can't do it. I love them and don't want them to be miserable like they were during that time. It was a fight to get them on the bus, it was lots of talking to help them process the meanness they found there from kids and teachers. It wasn't the life that I want to live with my kids. Unschooling is worlds better.
But how do I find time for me when my only babysitting option is my MIL/FIL who's values in parenting and spirituality are so opposite mine? Ultimately, I fear that the kids will get used to being with their grandparents daily and prefer that, as I have previously experienced...
I'm a mess aren't I?
While I'm writing this, I can just hear your responses. Your relationship with your inlaws is seperate from the one they have with your kids. Let them keep them so that you can build yourself up and be more appealing to the kids.
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed...
Value yourself, so your kids will feel safe to value themselves...
Sigh. I've still got a long way to go....
Thanks for letting me process this....
Michelle
He made a committment to the choir to be there. Do I want to teach him not to keep his word? He didn't join the choir in a vacuum. There are other people in it.
<<
You are right. And now, because money is not unlimited, I will be hesitant to put him in to any other costly programs. He has a history of starting and leaving projects, classes, programs, etc..
<<
That is something you came up with. He has never expressed any such thing. It's about him and how bored he is. Not how he'd help the choir by leaving.
>>> my daughter swore that she loves schoolwork, and would love to do it at home, yet now that she has her free computer from the online school, she asks, "why would I actually read the book to get the right answers, it'd take a lot of time". and she sits at her computer all day playing club penguin. aaron has done the exact same thing.
> Good for them! They've discovered how to obtain and utilize a resource to do what they want to do! That's fantastic.>>>
I don't think you understand the situation here. You are congratulating them for figuring out how to steal. They made an agreement with the online school to do the schoolwork, knowing that they would have use of a computer during the school year. It was not just given to them. It is borrowed, or you might say purchased, through them doing the school work. Dh and I would end up in some kind of trouble possibly, legally or financially, allowing the kids to keep the computers and not do the work. They have monthly tests to do and send in in order to appear that they are doing the work.
They knew this from the beginning. I don't think that they understand, or want to understand that they can't just keep the computers. I am the contact between their "teachers" and them. I am the one responsible ultimately for the computers, and their use, and the agreement.
<<
They agreed to in order for the school to send them the computers.
<<
I agree with you. I have one totally unschooled child by choice. 3 of them chose to do the online school, and 2 out of those 3 are backing out because they don't like the work. I want them to be able to make that decision. Dh and I have told them that they don't have to do the schoolwork, they can just send the computers back and they won't have to do any of the work... they can't make the decision and get angry if we try to make if for them. We've reached a compromise with our 7 year old, that we'll put the computer away for a week, to allow him to see more clearly if he wants to keep it or not. That way he can decide if he wants to do the schoolwork during that week or not, without the extra allure of that particular "personal" computer. He seems to be just fine sharing our computers with his siblings, and will probably end up sending his back in order to avoid all the writing recquired to keep it. My youngest daughter thoroughly enjoys her schoolwork. My oldest daughter is struggling with wanting to take the time away from Club Penguin to do the schoolwork (hold up her end of the bargain with the online school). My ds11 has already gone through the whole cycle of getting the computer/school books, keeping the computer for months without doing any schoolwork, and finally deciding that he didn't want to keep it after a longgggg very stressful struggle. He and his 7 year old ds claim that it is mean for the school to offer a computer if they are going to make you do the schoolwork. :)
>>>> If you are pushing them to do schoolwork and other things they would choose not to do, then its only natural that they would resist. And as long as they are using a lot of energy resisting, they won't be drawn to do other things that are challenging - they're working hard enough as it is. That's normal outside of radical unschooling. >>>
I don't push them to do *anything*. There are times when I need to go somewhere, and yes, it is a need, and they do not want to come. They want to go to their grandma's house (whom I have many issues with over her purposely making her house competitively desirable over mine).
I "make" them come with me. Plenty of other times, I'm not going far, and they can stay home.
I don't make them do housework, much to their father's chagrin. I don't make them do schoolwork. I don't make them cook. I don't make them help with the dog. I don't make them do anything.
>
>>>> Radically unschooled kids actively choose to do difficult things. They actively choose to work hard, to struggle with projects and concepts. They do that because its natural for humans to learn, we're driven to learn! and a challenge is a wonderful way to learn - but only when its freely chosen, every single moment.>>>
I've seen this in the different projects they take on. Making diagrams, woodcutting, painting, writing speeches, etc...
>>>When humans, even young children, have the power to stop what they are doing at any time, its not uncommon that we will persevere in the face of trial. Its one of the wonders of human nature.>>>
I wish this were true with my kids. They play CP all day. From morning to night. They refuse to eat with us as a family most of the time, or go with me on errands, resulting in me putting off trips that *I* want to go on. They have no restrictions on their playtime, other than sharing with their siblings.
>>> Step away from what you would like your kids' "responsibilities" to be, and see what motivates them - what makes their eyes shine? What will they do for hours, even if they're hungry or antsy or needing to pee? Find more ways to offer and support those things, the chosen challenges of your children.>>>
I've been doing this.
>>> But you Can do whatever you want. You have the right to hit them, lock them up, withhold food and other services. You have the right to treat them like prisoners, and others parents will laud you for it. Why don't you?>>>
Because I love them.
>>> You are choosing to do what you do to nurture and support these magnificent other beings! So that they may grow to learn the true meaning of generosity, and care, and kindness. They won't learn that from being pushed to be "responsible".>>>
So you think that I should have no issues with them agreeing to doing something and backing out on an agreement?
>>> Someone mentioned taking care of yourself, and I agree. If you're feeling low, its hard to find reasons to reach out to others. What do you need? Not "what do you need from these people" but what are your needs? Break them down into bite sized pieces so that they are manageable. Then, by all means communicate some of them to your kids! Ask them for help and support - but asking means they get to say no.>>>
I agree. I need to figure out what my needs are. But it'll be a process. I have 6 chilren. My husband is out of town often. I do not have money for a babysitter. My mother watches them about once every 2 weeks. My MIL I have issues with about parenting that make me less than excited to ask her to keep the kids. I push myself to the limits to be an attachment/unschooling parent when it is just me that is interested in being one. My dh prefers traditional parenting.
>>>If they're used to being told "no" when they ask something of you, then you may hear a lot of "no" for awhile.>>>
My dh would get a kick out of that. MY kids are rarely told no.
>>>> Here's a thought - you are asking for something that you are denying them. You're saying "when can I stop? when can I choose for me?" And yet you rail that your kids want exactly that! Offer them something you Didn't get, the option of saying "no" the option of stopping something they don't want to do. It won't ruin them. Being told they are irresponsible and don't take good enough care of you will hurt them, just like being told (overtly or subtly) that he was "the bad kid" damaged your brother. >>>
Hmm... food for thought.
>>> It doesn't sound like you learned much about love and generosity from your family of origen. I'm sorry! Do little things for yourself, little acts of self-care, every day. Love yourself, and find things to love about your life, about your children. Give to yourself and to your children out of love and a desire to bring a little more joy into the world - not a "responsibility" to give love and joy, but because so often, those are things that you get by giving them.>>>
my family of origin was anything but compassionate. It was neglectful and abusive. I am doing amazingly compared to what statistics would predict for me, a low income, government housing child with a sexually abusive father, in and out (mostly in) of prison, and a mom too concerned with her own emotional well being to care for me or my brother.
I grew up being the responsible one. I have always mothered my mother and my brother. I endured physical and emotional torture and came out the gleaming tower of responsibility and good in spite of it. Then I married into a family at 17 whom looked at me as that "rejected little girl who needed 'saved' from herself because of how she'd been raised". I did not need that criticism. I was doing fine critcizing myself.
I have already started taking time for myself, with a once a week study night (when my dh is in town). I want to be involved with birth, and am studying to be a Childbirth Educator. It's not enough. I have thought of putting the kids in school again. (I went through a depression where they had to be in for 6 months.)
I just can't do it. I love them and don't want them to be miserable like they were during that time. It was a fight to get them on the bus, it was lots of talking to help them process the meanness they found there from kids and teachers. It wasn't the life that I want to live with my kids. Unschooling is worlds better.
But how do I find time for me when my only babysitting option is my MIL/FIL who's values in parenting and spirituality are so opposite mine? Ultimately, I fear that the kids will get used to being with their grandparents daily and prefer that, as I have previously experienced...
I'm a mess aren't I?
While I'm writing this, I can just hear your responses. Your relationship with your inlaws is seperate from the one they have with your kids. Let them keep them so that you can build yourself up and be more appealing to the kids.
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed...
Value yourself, so your kids will feel safe to value themselves...
Sigh. I've still got a long way to go....
Thanks for letting me process this....
Michelle
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