Coming Out - A Spiritual Experience by Elicia Prior Schwartz

In the mean time i found this thing i wrote and read for a service at UUCA for national coming out day... I didn't know if you would find it interesting or not... either way i thought I'd share it with you. :)

Coming Out - A Spiritual Experience

For a while I fought the thoughts, I feared
trying not to think
Afraid that if anyone knew....
but they kept coming
So i allowed myself to think the thoughts, to feel my feelings
as long as I didn't label them, at 14
as if somehow that would keep me safe
Then finally, I could stay trapped in my mind no more
as I stared out a door into the darkness
my back turned to her, my friend
the fear gripping me
saying it would make me face it
would make it REAL
but i had to break the chains to my silence
"I'm Bisexual"
I said holding my breath
ready to pretend I was just joking
just in case she freaked
she said me too.....
I turned around so fast, the biggest smile
on our faces and we laughed and jumped up and down
we were finally free,
at least with each other...
but then I knew
I was coming out, and this meant that I had
to reject the idea of a God, of a spirit
that would reject me, damn me, hate me, ban me
Now I fought the thoughts of God instead
because I was sinning, that's what they say
and there was no place for us
I felt ostracized
cast aside
out into a wilderness where there was no chance for my salvation
years go by
a repressed fear
always under my surface
bubbling anger
then one day in the strangest circumstance
I met a cute Mormon boy trying to convert
my soul - save me
and all I wanted was to flirt
so I humored him
and he gave me this bible page
that I kept tacked to my wall for all the years
of my youth
it was god talking
saying Do not believe this just because
you read it in some book
pray about it, search your soul
and you will know MY truth
so I got down on me knees
one weak night when I couldn't take it any longer
an said
"TELL ME GOD"
what do you feel, what is right
and then I knew
it burst through like an explosion
of light of acceptance, eternal
Love Is Never Wrong
and the heavy cloak of shame and guilt and regret
dropped from my shoulders never to
be picked up again by me
and yet I was still alone
in this new found truth
my reconnection to a higher power
an all loving power
and I walked among those
still wearing their cloaks
because there was no place that we knew
that would validate our love
our contributions
our sacrifices,
our relationships
our families

I clung tight
to the immense love and light
I carried and tried to share
with those crying in bathrooms
over friends who would kill themselves
because of a world filled with
hate, intolerance, ignorance, and fear
we'd shelter the light for each
other, so that they
and we would not get swallowed
in the darkness
and we tried to fight for a better world
and then came
My Children
and I knew there had to be
somewhere that
people believed like me, in an all encompassing love
I needed to surround us
with these teachings, I longed to grow
and I needed this
and by the grace of God
I came to this place
to this amazing loving place
where my children will grow
knowing
ONLY LOVE,
ONLY ACCEPTANCE
where they can be REAL always
and they will NEVER be cast away
into the darkness
and they will NEVER walk alone

So I come out - with pride - with celebration
I come out to my children, to my family to
everyone I can
because now i know that UU exists
that other places of welcoming and love exist too
That if I speak out and spread the word
maybe I can, maybe we can
hold up high the lights
of love so high
so that all around
we may see our way through the darkness
together
as one