Reminiscing....

my busted snowglobe

A Poem by Eve Latchouli

 

the description of my feelings as i acknowledge my growth and outgrow my security

 

I lived inside a Hallmark card
I ate my chocolate treats and drank my high priced coffee steaming,
with security.
The cold could not touch me
I was untouchable.
I moved, I reminisced, I hypothesized,
dreamed, about the outside world -
in a snowglobe.
the clear plastic invisible,
I was real to myself, anyway.

Like contractions making way,
my mind worked, roiling, boiling
marinating in my truth
at first barely noticeable, then the excitement
built as I felt the inevitability of my
life becoming my own.

and now here I sit, the process mostly through.
My beautiful Hallmark life busted
broken plastic,
little pieces of fake snow running
out in the clear river that used to be
my security, my amniotic fluid
Mixing with my tears...
my coffee gone cold.
My truth gave me birth
I am new
wet and cold
The womb spent, no longer able to sustain my growth
I am me. I am whole.
My tears coming in waves now
the torrents of grief broken
with spots of hope.
Time to clean up the mess my birth made
and move on.

I Tolled the Bell

October 17, 2012

A few years ago, I wrote a poem celebrating the feeling of togetherness that I felt in the room of my dying Aunt. She'd been surrounded by her sisters and her daughters, all gathered to be with her through her final transition.
Last night I was part of such a process. The feeling was different for me, as I have only known Mrs. B for a short while. Maybe a month. And I am not related to her by blood, although her wonderful little family considers us, her aides, family. I held Audry's hand as she made that final transition. She went from complete awareness in this physical world to just being gone. Her spirit left us. Her body drained of its color. There was no dramatic exit. She only looked Kathy in the eyes, and myself in the eyes one last time, before she looked down at her lap, and after a time, exited her body.
It has affected me so deeply, this being present at the leaving of a soul. I think that I will ask her to come to me if at all possible to let me know that she went to a good place, that she is happy there. I don't want to believe in Heaven in the sense that I was taught to believe in it, as a place reserved only for those who have "gained" entrance through either a measure of living or a special bloodstained ticket. I want to know that we only travel to another plane. Or that we just rest, like sleeping.
That's just how Mrs. B looked. Like she went to sleep with her eyes open.
I only knew Mrs. B as a wonderful woman. She always complimented me on my compassion, my understanding, my willingness to do whatever it was that she asked. I wanted her to be comfortable. I can't imagine having ALS, and feeling like I was imprisoned in my own body. First unable to move certain parts, then paralyazed up to my chest and unable to find the energy to make my vocal cords move or my lungs. Talking was more and more of a struggle, and she did her best to stay focused on doing so, although it took longer and longer. Kathy and I, and Leah and Raquel, remained so patient, allowing her to find her words in her own time. I will miss her. She was and will always remain a shining example of strength in the face of debilitation. A beacon of taking pride in yourself regardless of your circumstances. I am so blessed to have been there. To have been the only person there other than her daughter. To have been able to hold her hand and fully take part in speaking to her as she made that transition from this world. We spoke of the beauty of the fall night, the color of the sky, the crickets song. Kathy spoke of her pride of having such a wonderful life given to her by her mother and father. Of how lucky their family was to have such a proud heritage and such dedication to each other. Specifically her mom is/was her safety net. To have been there and witnessed Kathy's grace and gentleness in those moments, hours, was a testament to me of human fortitude and compassion. The strength to forgive past hurts and love the goodness in another. Her position as a daughter who had lived her life to her own drummer. So different from her mother in circumstance, yet so the same in the graciousness of living. She has her mother's grace, her calm, her gentility.
And knowing that those are only parts of their dispositions, that such gentle people are also capable of frustration to the point of anger, lashing out, makes me so glad that I have witnessed such things. I have seen the wholeness of humanity. I have seen the best and the worst, and have chosen to love it all together as a whole. You cannot value the best, unless you have witnessed the worst. You cannot see the strength, unless it is displayed in a time of weakness.
The Barton family is a story in humanity. We all have our own stories, and I am so blessed..so fortunate, so thankful to have been a part of and have borne witness to theirs.

My high dive personality and other musings

I've been having this growing period lately. It's a little like going through a time warp. I see all the past events flying past me as pictures, and I'm realizing how different I am becoming, even as I admire my new growth, and experience the sadness of losing my old form. The butterfly has always been a wonderful analogy for growth. I'm sure, even as its wings are drying, the sun shining on him, he looks back and wonders if it will be ok to be a butterfly, he was so comfortable being a caterpillar, and then a larvae...
The sadness engulfed me yesterday. Thinking of J and the kids going up to the farm for Thanksgiving, a big family tradition for so many years. I mean how much more iconicly American can you get? A family of 40 or more, gathering in a big old farmhouse that sits on 40 acres amoung the rolling hills. Even the drive there feels so nostalgic and peaceful every time, like you are going back to another time when life was more simple. Driving up and over the hills in the blackness, not knowing what'll be on the other side, or if you're headed there during the day, seeing the rolling greenery, the big rolls of hay dotting their skin.
Was that how it really was when I was there? or just how my storytelling  mind remembers it? Wasn't I more concerned with going over my plans to convert these medically minded farmers to my natural birthing theories? or to educate them in how their bodies worked to give birth? Oh Lord. I can laugh at myself now, remembering how I dragged J's cousins out in the cold entryway of the house where the fold out dinner tables and chairs had been set for the next day in rows, as if for a church social event. There may have been one curious and willing participant in those "discussions" that mostly consisted of me preaching my latest obsession to them. I preached the values of knowing what your body is doing at all times. It was relevant to us, as most of us were in the throes of early childbearing, needing to know when we were fertile and not fertile. But the part I look back on with amusement is that I was so hell bent on getting these women to do what I was doing. I wasn't cherishing the value of getting together with family once a year. I was on the warpath to convert these poor ignorant souls; to save them from the evil medical establishment that tries to pull the wool over their eyes and keep them from understanding their own bodies. Oh that is enlightening to see myself in such a way. Maybe someday I will learn to settle in to the grey of life, like J used to tell me. Or not. I mean, really, that's just who I am. At least now I can separate myself from the experience enough to realize when I am starting to climb that high dive ladder.

I am a Nursing Student

I had this little moment of epiphany that was encouraging a minute ago. I was standing in line at Starbucks for my grande latte, and I looked around seeing that most of the people here have money, are dressed nicely, are a "certain type" of person. Then I looked down at my new dark jeans, new brown men's dress shoes, and my new 3/4 length sleeve cream sweater (all purchased on my Student Loan credit card), and thought... "I am one of these people too."
Now this is all said very well aware of where I came from and how truly shallow these things are, yet it gave me a little boost of confidence and motivation that I badly needed after narrowly escaping a D in my Anatomy Lecture Exam a little over an hour ago. I have been so frustrated with this class. It's difficulty level is very high, and I have been treating it as just an aspect of my life instead of a main focus as it requires. My focus has gotten better and better with each low C I have received over the past two or three exams. Thankfully, I've been scoring higher in my Lab Practical Exams and those grades are holding me at a solid overall grade of 79%. One point away from a B.
 I have been struggling with the fact that at 35 years old I am making $8 an hour, and trying to remedy that by spending a lot of time on networking and building a beautiful resume. I may not be focusing where I should be. I will be making $25 to $30 an hour after getting this degree. It is highly important that I EXCEL at these classes, so as to be hand picked for the first available nursing classes. Thankfully no one will see the separate exam scores only the overall class score. Thinking about that end goal of a high wage (as shallow as that may seem) is motivating me to focus harder on my classes. I have children to provide for, to motivate, to help excel. I must focus hard and do well to provide for myself and them now, and for myself in the future when they are supporting themselves.
I am not just an $8/hr home health aide. I AM A NURSING STUDENT.

Keeping the house clean... What a CHORE!

I have made many an attempt to keep our house clean... this has proven difficult because I am not usually an organized person, I am just learning to be. This means that I have to retrain myself and my children. Here are my latest attempts to do so with a houes full of six children under the age of 18, and one, soon to be two adults...

Below you will see the chart that hangs on our fridge this week. It's a format I made up and each week I reprint another one with different dates and people for each job.

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Shared Responsibilities (switched every 2 weeks): 10-25 to 11-8

Jesse *Washing Dishes – Daily, Keep sink empty of dirty dishes, be available for after meal cleanup

Savannah *Sweeping Downstairs Carpet – Th, Sat, *Use Windex or natural spray to clean downstairs bathroom sink and toilet – Fridays

Aaron*Sweeping Upstairs Carpet – Th, Sat, *Use Windex or natural spray to clean upstairs bathroom sink and toilet – Fridays

Travis *Sweeping/Mopping Kitchen/Bathrooms – Th, Sat, *Clean Showers – Fri

Jaidyn  *Take out trash bags to big brown can, and help Nathan keep all floors clean.

Nathan *Keep all toys off of downstairs floors and in toy boxes

*Older 4 kids, do your own laundry – you are responsible for having clean clothing.

Everyone:

*Throw away all of your trash

*Rinse the dishes you eat on, and put in the sink as soon as you are done eating

*Do NOT eat anywhere other than the kitchen or the dining room table… these rules are to keep our house free of bugs and mice! And the carpets clean.

*Keep your rooms clean: i.e., nothing on the floor, beds made every morning, and everything in its place.

Warning:

The shirking* of these responsibilities will result in the loss of privileges: meaning time with friends, computer, TV, and anything else any of your parents think is necessary.

               REWARD

However, being responsible and doing your daily work without reminder, will reward you with more freedom, more privileges, and your $$ Allowance $$.

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Today I am hoping to inspire my kids further through a couple of different methods. I hope to imprint their memory with the importance of this issue through doing an activity together, and to remind them of the kinds of issues you have when you do not clean through the content of said activity. The chore chart above and the $2/week allowance has done more than all of the nagging I have done in my life to keep us on track. I am hungry for a new level of clean, and hope to inspire the kids towards it as well. I just googled "make your own crossword puzzle", came up with http://puzzlemaker.discoveryeducation.com/CrissCrossSetupForm.asp , and had fun making this reminder!

Keeping the House Clean

Across

2. showers collect this every day

4. Mom washed the what this morning?

5. Keeping a house clean is a what on dirt?

6. Cleaning is

8. People didn't pick up their candy

11. Do you want to ? in the grimy shower?

12. Everything naturally turns to this

13. Let's keep our house

14. if this is everywhere, so are mites

Down

1. ALL what? need swept EVERY DAY

3. Mom picked up tons of ? stuff

7. Mom also did this

8. Will you get some this ?

9. toilets collect waste daily

10. is what Mom should have been doing

11. Do you want to sit on a ? toilet?

13. is what you get for doing a good job

17 of 19 words were placed into the puzzle.

Created by Puzzlemaker at DiscoveryEducation.com