Gods and Godesses, Darwin, Einstein, and the Holy Bible
The Koran, The Talmud, The Book of Mormon
Buddism, Toaism, Shintuism, Hinduism
Judaism, Wicca, and Catholocism
Religions and Holy books, Chocolate cake
How many guesses does it take?
One two three four,
No one knows
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
So I'm tired. I still have to complain, even though I may wake up with a more positive view tomorrow. Why does it feel like the kids don't want to be with me when they want to be with their grandparents? Or even just at their grandparents house? why do I feel so inadequate when they tell me that they want that one on one time with their grandma or grandpa? I feel like they shouldn't need anyone else but me. Nathan pretty much only wants me, but even now at age 2, he will say "I want Bam Ma house." And I think, what have I done wrong? What need of theirs am I not fulfilling that they want to go to someone else's house?
I should ask myself, what need do I have that is not being met when I feel so bad that my kids want some variety. They ARE at home, or with me somewhere MOST of the time. Why does it feel like they are rejecting me when they want to hang out with someone else for a while? I don't have an answer for that one right now.
I do know that I need to feel secure in my position as mom, and have no issues telling MIL that I will talk with dh about this, and let her know. I should also have no problem telling her that she is not to ask me in front of the children if they can spend the night. Well, the computer battery is dying, I guess I'll finish this later.
Weeks later, and I still have the same problem. It has more to do with my MIL rejecting me than it does the kids rejecting me... or maybe they are equal fears I have.
I should ask myself, what need do I have that is not being met when I feel so bad that my kids want some variety. They ARE at home, or with me somewhere MOST of the time. Why does it feel like they are rejecting me when they want to hang out with someone else for a while? I don't have an answer for that one right now.
I do know that I need to feel secure in my position as mom, and have no issues telling MIL that I will talk with dh about this, and let her know. I should also have no problem telling her that she is not to ask me in front of the children if they can spend the night. Well, the computer battery is dying, I guess I'll finish this later.
Weeks later, and I still have the same problem. It has more to do with my MIL rejecting me than it does the kids rejecting me... or maybe they are equal fears I have.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Healing....
Beginning to write memoirs and spill my emotions into my new blog has helped me to replace the bitterness and hurt, that I thought were immovable, with a renewed love for my MIL based on all the good that she did for me as a younger person. She is the best at nurturing that I have ever seen. Which was really good for me for many years, and filled that void that I had from my original parents. It may have been a little unbalanced, so that my FIL didn't really get a chance to fill that "dad" void, because she did so much nurturing... but that is being remedied now, thanks to my changes, and my love of myself. I can stand up to him, and he is feeling free to be honest with me on a less adversarial, more friendly basis. At least for a while lately. I hope it continues for the most part. I am truly enjoying talking with him lately. Not the content, but the atmosphere of our relationship. It seems so conducive to happiness in being our own two selves, yet co-existing!
My MIL on the other hand, is having a rough time being around me yet. Let alone talking honestly. I plan to do my best to love her out of that. I am so grateful for the love she shared with me in my teenage years that I want to pay her back now. Maybe that's part of what hurt her so badly was that she thought that I was completely rejecting all the love that she had given me. I believe that her idea of love is wrapped up in trying to "help" a person by sharing what has worked for giving her happiness, and she doesn't get that it may take something else completely to give someone else happiness....
I think I completely threw her for a loop by telling her thanks for helping me grow up, and now "I don't need you anymore", in so many words. Maybe she felt used. Taken advantage of. That really lines up with how many times she's brought up that out of context comment I made about her having been my "nanny, housekeeper, and best friend all in one".... Ouch. When I think of it in those terms, I really feel for her. I think she truly believes that I took what I needed from her, and decided to throw her away after that. Yikes. That must've been hell to accept. Of course she didn't ask me if that's what I was doing... she did assume. But she is human. And I have accepted that now.
I am ready to let her know that I can handle her emotions now. I think. I don't want to have her blow up at me, feel hurt, and then get angry again because I'm hurt again..... I just have to think of it in the context
of giving us a second chance at a relationship that some people never get.
My MIL on the other hand, is having a rough time being around me yet. Let alone talking honestly. I plan to do my best to love her out of that. I am so grateful for the love she shared with me in my teenage years that I want to pay her back now. Maybe that's part of what hurt her so badly was that she thought that I was completely rejecting all the love that she had given me. I believe that her idea of love is wrapped up in trying to "help" a person by sharing what has worked for giving her happiness, and she doesn't get that it may take something else completely to give someone else happiness....
I think I completely threw her for a loop by telling her thanks for helping me grow up, and now "I don't need you anymore", in so many words. Maybe she felt used. Taken advantage of. That really lines up with how many times she's brought up that out of context comment I made about her having been my "nanny, housekeeper, and best friend all in one".... Ouch. When I think of it in those terms, I really feel for her. I think she truly believes that I took what I needed from her, and decided to throw her away after that. Yikes. That must've been hell to accept. Of course she didn't ask me if that's what I was doing... she did assume. But she is human. And I have accepted that now.
I am ready to let her know that I can handle her emotions now. I think. I don't want to have her blow up at me, feel hurt, and then get angry again because I'm hurt again..... I just have to think of it in the context
of giving us a second chance at a relationship that some people never get.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
March 17th, Green Day (or blue)
Today is St. Patrick's Day, and the first day it's really felt like spring. We've had some 40 and 50 degree days, but today most of the chill was gone, and it was 59 degrees. I slept on the deck for an hour while Nathan napped and the kids played on the trampoline and the computer. I feel really grubby though. Is it my lack of shower? The fact that I stayed up until 1am again... dumb, dumb, dumb... I am learning that staying up late REALLY does NOT benefit me in the long run!
Taking Celexa is causing me to gain weight, and I have 8 lbs. of flab that I'm not used to having. I need a change. I think I'm going to cut my hair. It's in the "barrette" stage again, where that's the only way I wear it. Or in a ponytail that looks unkempt.
Girl scouts tonight. I hope I can go to escape responsibility, but I don't want to go to see MIL, or even talk to the other moms. We don't really have all that much in common. Besides, when I get time out of the house, and I'm not actually doing things with James or the kids, I'd rather just chill. Not talk to people I don't have much in common with. I'm grumpy. It's a beautiful day, and I'm grumpy. Savannah is doing something mysterious downstairs. I cannot imagine that she is cleaning, unless she is folding laundry... It's quiet, and besides, I already swept the whole downstairs. And straightened it up. There IS a mountain of laundry to be done.... but maybe she is baking. I think she might be making cookies, because she said that she wanted some sugar. She told me not to go downstairs. :) Usually that means cleaning surprises, which I love!
Huh. My mood could possibly have something to do with the fact that I am on my period. Funny how I just forget that, and it gets discounted. Maybe cleaning up the kids rooms would make me feel better. Harumph. I am going to just going to sit here with the littles and chat while they eat their apples. :)
Taking Celexa is causing me to gain weight, and I have 8 lbs. of flab that I'm not used to having. I need a change. I think I'm going to cut my hair. It's in the "barrette" stage again, where that's the only way I wear it. Or in a ponytail that looks unkempt.
Girl scouts tonight. I hope I can go to escape responsibility, but I don't want to go to see MIL, or even talk to the other moms. We don't really have all that much in common. Besides, when I get time out of the house, and I'm not actually doing things with James or the kids, I'd rather just chill. Not talk to people I don't have much in common with. I'm grumpy. It's a beautiful day, and I'm grumpy. Savannah is doing something mysterious downstairs. I cannot imagine that she is cleaning, unless she is folding laundry... It's quiet, and besides, I already swept the whole downstairs. And straightened it up. There IS a mountain of laundry to be done.... but maybe she is baking. I think she might be making cookies, because she said that she wanted some sugar. She told me not to go downstairs. :) Usually that means cleaning surprises, which I love!
Huh. My mood could possibly have something to do with the fact that I am on my period. Funny how I just forget that, and it gets discounted. Maybe cleaning up the kids rooms would make me feel better. Harumph. I am going to just going to sit here with the littles and chat while they eat their apples. :)
Monday, March 9, 2009
Moving On...
I am very angry with myself. I don't like being so needy. I don't like the effect Sandi and John have on me. I thought they were my parents. I found out that they are not. I am treated differently than their children and I respond to them differently than their children. Their children seem to have an understanding that no matter how angry they get with each other, or how much they disagree, or argue, that they will always love each other. I do not have this trust in Sandi and John. And they do not have the love for me that they do for their boys.
I feel the disgust that they feel towards me, and I hear the words they say to me about us not having anything in common except the fact that I am the wife of their son and the mother of their grandchildren, and I feel the complete rejection that those words imply. They do not feel a connection to me. They only felt connected to the actions that I was taking. Now that I do not take those actions, I am no longer welcome as part of their emotional family circle.
The rejection I feel from that hurts. Cuts my heart into ribbons. Destroys any desire to allow myself to feel warmth for them. It deadens any hope that I had for having parents that love me unconditionally.
I have been doing my damndest to build up my emotional strength to be able to handle that dream being crushed.
Unfortunately,continued contact with them, and continued arguing exposes me to my vulnerability. Then dad tells me that I can trust him. And that he loves me. And that little girl in me pulls on my sleeves crying and screaming, "Believe them, believe in them!! I need a mom and a dad who love me!" Despite her voice, I hold it together, telling my little girl that I can be all that she needs as a parent. And I feel stronger. I feel more grown up.
Until my husband tells me that I should trust that they love me, and accept the abuse that I feel coming from them as something unintended, and my resolve melts in my tears. The little girl surfaces in my heart, and I feel crushed once again. I am so tired of being yanked from one extreme emotion to another. I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard?
I feel like singing the Dora theme song... I did it, I did it. But not really an excited I did it. Just a satisfied I did it.
I just got off the phone with Mom Schooling. I was able to work through my feelings (that I wrote about above) this morning. I had such a wall up going to sleep, because I just didn't have the strength to be hurt anymore. When I woke up, I felt it. A wall blocking my True Self from being. Or at least making it a huge struggle to show my True Self through the veil of my bitter hurt. I wanted to get angry at myself for being weak enough to be hurt. But since I know now that I need to have compassion on myself, I used Susan's suggested method of going inside and talking to the part of me that is hurt. I pictured myself at 15 or 16 years old. I remember a pic of me with my pink glasses on and a white/mint green jacket, in Crystal's bedroom. My hair was in a barrette and hanging down my shoulders, chest length, and it was one of my 'looking good without makeup' days. I was a teenager wanting so badly to be loved, and that teenager was the one feeling hurt last night when James re-opened my wound by telling me that he thinks his parents do love me.
Deep, deep down, at some extremely base level of my soul, I know that. But it is so hard to get in touch with the trust in that when my teenage soul is crying out, "I just want to be shown that I am loved! I want to be trusted! That is how I feel loved! And when they are telling me how I should parent my kids, godammit, especially in front of me! I feel like they see me as a child! I need to be seen and loved and trusted as an adult!" Occasionally I see remnants of the love that they used to show me come through to me. But that isn't the kind of love that I need from them now. I need a new, peer, trust kind of love. I guess I am going to have to be the one to show them that.
Maybe, like Travis is the barometer for our family's children,... maybe I am the barometer for their family's children. I am the one with the combination of the most sensitivity (meaning the most in touch with ones inner Self), and the need/guts to be honest about it. Maybe I will bring in a new era of understanding to this family.... Aided by James of course, because I'm not sure that I could have come to this point without his verbal and emotional help. And I'll try not to hold that against him. The fact that I couldn't do it without his help I mean. Because in my old life rulebook, if I couldn't do it on my own, then I wasn't good enough. I guess I'm going to have to struggle with that one and re-write it.
Anyway, I hugged myself, right there in my bed this morning, and pictured the adult me, the one that I've grown up into, putting my arms around the teenage me, and trying to reassure her. I talked both girls roles out verbally. Teenage Me didn't want to talk at first, so I just held her, and told her to cry it out. She did a lot of crying last night, so all that came out were a few hot tears slipping down her cheeks following the slow build up of that pin pricky stuffed up nose, throat tightening feeling humans get when they begin to cry. I just held her for a while, and allowed the hurt to flow through. Then I (Adult Me) told her that I was here to be the one she could lean on for unconditional love. I am strong enough for her. She doesn't need to feel like she has to handle this emotional load. She can go to sleep and rest.
And Adult Me is able to see my inlaws good intentions, through the veil of Teenage Me's hurt. When Teenage Me goes to sleep, Adult Me has a clearer emotional picture. My mother in law has the same hurts and fears from her childhood that I do. Bravo and Kudos to me for being the one to work through them first. And thank you Unschoolers for your help in challenging me to think through my beliefs.
I am healing. I feel a small growing hope that maybe our extended family will grow emotionally as a result of all of this conflict. My inlaws will quite possibly be forced to re-examine their beliefs. Their love for us will not allow them to run from us, or push us, when we stand up for what we believe in. And even voicing that hope, that possibility, is a step forward.
I feel the disgust that they feel towards me, and I hear the words they say to me about us not having anything in common except the fact that I am the wife of their son and the mother of their grandchildren, and I feel the complete rejection that those words imply. They do not feel a connection to me. They only felt connected to the actions that I was taking. Now that I do not take those actions, I am no longer welcome as part of their emotional family circle.
The rejection I feel from that hurts. Cuts my heart into ribbons. Destroys any desire to allow myself to feel warmth for them. It deadens any hope that I had for having parents that love me unconditionally.
I have been doing my damndest to build up my emotional strength to be able to handle that dream being crushed.
Unfortunately,continued contact with them, and continued arguing exposes me to my vulnerability. Then dad tells me that I can trust him. And that he loves me. And that little girl in me pulls on my sleeves crying and screaming, "Believe them, believe in them!! I need a mom and a dad who love me!" Despite her voice, I hold it together, telling my little girl that I can be all that she needs as a parent. And I feel stronger. I feel more grown up.
Until my husband tells me that I should trust that they love me, and accept the abuse that I feel coming from them as something unintended, and my resolve melts in my tears. The little girl surfaces in my heart, and I feel crushed once again. I am so tired of being yanked from one extreme emotion to another. I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard?
I feel like singing the Dora theme song... I did it, I did it. But not really an excited I did it. Just a satisfied I did it.
I just got off the phone with Mom Schooling. I was able to work through my feelings (that I wrote about above) this morning. I had such a wall up going to sleep, because I just didn't have the strength to be hurt anymore. When I woke up, I felt it. A wall blocking my True Self from being. Or at least making it a huge struggle to show my True Self through the veil of my bitter hurt. I wanted to get angry at myself for being weak enough to be hurt. But since I know now that I need to have compassion on myself, I used Susan's suggested method of going inside and talking to the part of me that is hurt. I pictured myself at 15 or 16 years old. I remember a pic of me with my pink glasses on and a white/mint green jacket, in Crystal's bedroom. My hair was in a barrette and hanging down my shoulders, chest length, and it was one of my 'looking good without makeup' days. I was a teenager wanting so badly to be loved, and that teenager was the one feeling hurt last night when James re-opened my wound by telling me that he thinks his parents do love me.
Deep, deep down, at some extremely base level of my soul, I know that. But it is so hard to get in touch with the trust in that when my teenage soul is crying out, "I just want to be shown that I am loved! I want to be trusted! That is how I feel loved! And when they are telling me how I should parent my kids, godammit, especially in front of me! I feel like they see me as a child! I need to be seen and loved and trusted as an adult!" Occasionally I see remnants of the love that they used to show me come through to me. But that isn't the kind of love that I need from them now. I need a new, peer, trust kind of love. I guess I am going to have to be the one to show them that.
Maybe, like Travis is the barometer for our family's children,... maybe I am the barometer for their family's children. I am the one with the combination of the most sensitivity (meaning the most in touch with ones inner Self), and the need/guts to be honest about it. Maybe I will bring in a new era of understanding to this family.... Aided by James of course, because I'm not sure that I could have come to this point without his verbal and emotional help. And I'll try not to hold that against him. The fact that I couldn't do it without his help I mean. Because in my old life rulebook, if I couldn't do it on my own, then I wasn't good enough. I guess I'm going to have to struggle with that one and re-write it.
Anyway, I hugged myself, right there in my bed this morning, and pictured the adult me, the one that I've grown up into, putting my arms around the teenage me, and trying to reassure her. I talked both girls roles out verbally. Teenage Me didn't want to talk at first, so I just held her, and told her to cry it out. She did a lot of crying last night, so all that came out were a few hot tears slipping down her cheeks following the slow build up of that pin pricky stuffed up nose, throat tightening feeling humans get when they begin to cry. I just held her for a while, and allowed the hurt to flow through. Then I (Adult Me) told her that I was here to be the one she could lean on for unconditional love. I am strong enough for her. She doesn't need to feel like she has to handle this emotional load. She can go to sleep and rest.
And Adult Me is able to see my inlaws good intentions, through the veil of Teenage Me's hurt. When Teenage Me goes to sleep, Adult Me has a clearer emotional picture. My mother in law has the same hurts and fears from her childhood that I do. Bravo and Kudos to me for being the one to work through them first. And thank you Unschoolers for your help in challenging me to think through my beliefs.
I am healing. I feel a small growing hope that maybe our extended family will grow emotionally as a result of all of this conflict. My inlaws will quite possibly be forced to re-examine their beliefs. Their love for us will not allow them to run from us, or push us, when we stand up for what we believe in. And even voicing that hope, that possibility, is a step forward.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Cool article written by a 15 year old AU, who went to high school in 9th grade
Education From the Free Eye
Written by Kevin Snavley
All my life I have unschooled. The only thing that could be remotely considered school that I attended was pre-school, and of course, that was all fun and games. That was just life, how things were. I always wondered in the back of my head what it was like to be there, in a school building all day. How horrible it was to sit there for hours on end being lectured by crazy teachers and doing hours of homework. And then somewhere in between most of my friends going to school and me wondering, I got caught up in "catching up" to everyone else. For a while, around age 12, I always wanted to be on-track with the kids at school. It was probably because I felt stupid or less intelligent than them, which really wasn't the case. They just knew more meaningless facts than I did. It took me until last year to finally realize that, and to truly understand the reasons and joys of unschooling. Why it really is so much better than public school.
For as long as I can remember I have had friends that have gone to public school. Always. I've never actually had true unschooling friends aside from my cousins. So in a way, I sort of grew up with slightly hybrid thinking. One defending or longing to be in public school, and one completely against it all with pro-unschooling opinions. My parents always told us why public school is bad, but of course as a kid I'm not really going to understand. I never had the experience to. So I just kind of accepted that it was a bad place that I shouldn't be until I was about 14. Because I didn't go to school I always thought I had horrible writing abilities, and a bus load of other things. I finally made the decision to go to my freshman year of high school so I could figure it all out. Why is public school widely considered better? Why do my parents and unschooling parents everywhere preach it's a bad place to be? Why is unschooling so much better? I got all of my answers.
I would be lying if I said I went 100% percent for personal reasons. I had one friend in particular who was pro-school completely and thought I was wasting my life. In a way, I wanted to prove to her that I could do it, and if/if not it was better than unschooling. I guess up until I started writing this I had forgotten about that completely. I kind of kept the fact that this whole thing was an experiment in the back of my mind. I mean, it did feel nice to be "normal". But is it best? For the sake of writing this I'm going to skip through the school year and spare you the details of explaining the entire 9 months. School was exactly as I expected. Well, the whole face of it was anyway. It wasn't as close to as horrible as my parents said it was. The days went by pretty fast, it wasn't horribly boring, and I got to see my friends. The one thing I noticed the first day though, was how little "socialization" time there is. That's one thing all the kids say, "I get to hang out with my friends!". Definitely not the kind of "hanging out" I was used to. At that point it seemed like a stupid reason to want to be there.
After being there a few weeks, I started to realize the being I truly am. I wasn't stupid, not even close. If anyone was stupid it was the other 90% of the kids that were there. Everyone raved about my writing, my honors English teacher included. I did good in all my classes despite NEVER having a formal lesson in anything. That's when I realized that me, an unschooler, never been "taught" anything that these kids have, is doing better at the game than they are. Pretty ironic, no? Some of my favorite classes were Honors English 1, Japanese 1, and Jazz Choir. Those were the best.
Something I really began to hate about the school days was waking up at 6:30 am, staying there for six hours, then swimming for another 2, before going home to do meaningless homework. The first semester I got pretty lazy, and ended with a 3.3 GPA. Still, better than most kids, but not my best. Second semester I ended with a 3.8. I couldn't stand the fact that I was surrounded by unmotivated, stupid (not the academic way, the general manner they acted) people. Another trend I noticed was "can't". EVERYBODY used that one. The whole 9 months all in all were good for me. Negatives and positives. I learned that what I was doing before was BETTER than what kids at school get, I learned that what my parents told me wasn't completely heresy, I experienced something that I had never done before, the mystery was gone, and best of all, I can now defend the unschooling philosophy without any doubt in my mind and be credible at the same time. I also understood why public school kids act like they do. It's called loss of motivation.
I quickly realized that if I had to endure that shit for 9 years, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. Friends have told me "you would have been a complete honors student!". I say no, I would've have been a lazy ass bum that wanted nothing more than a couch in life. (Which, I might add I learned a lot from TV. But you get my point. ;P) The thing that made me responsible, smart, and motivated was my unschooling life. And as stupid, annoying, unmotivated, whatever most of the public school kids are, you really can't blame them. While the other public school kids that can relate to me somewhat complain about them as well; they don't understand either. You never really can unless you have lived a free life. (Something else that I realized were the people that I was already friends with, were some of the most intelligent people in the building. How's that for coincidental?) Some personalities are different and can endure 12 years of school plus college, most cannot. Between teachers telling them they're not good enough, and wasting years of their life on something that doesn't really matter, they get fried. Most of the time it goes unnoticed too, you just kind of evaporate. I started to feel the same thing happening to me just in those nine months. Every thought you have, dream you want to fulfill, inspiration that strikes you, it all goes on the back burner, and eventually you just forget how to live any other way altogether.
Would I recommend sending a kid to school? Absolutely not. It's much too easy to lose your way. One thing I would advise though is to find unschooling friends. Would I recommend any other unschoolers go to school? If it's going to do them good like me, sure. If they want to see what it's like, sure. Otherwise, it's going to be a shit hole. Plain and simple. It would be beneficial for everyone to see what it's like, but not everyone can go through it with the same view point. So like everything else in our lives, it's up to us to make that decision. But now here I am, the year I thought would never end completed, and I have to decide what I want to do for the remaining 3. Over the last few days I've really been reflecting about what I truly want. Is it to finish high school, deal with everything I don't like, and benefit from the things I do? Or stop and go straight to college, and focus on what I want with life? That's something I'll be thinking about for a while. 
Written by Kevin Snavley
All my life I have unschooled. The only thing that could be remotely considered school that I attended was pre-school, and of course, that was all fun and games. That was just life, how things were. I always wondered in the back of my head what it was like to be there, in a school building all day. How horrible it was to sit there for hours on end being lectured by crazy teachers and doing hours of homework. And then somewhere in between most of my friends going to school and me wondering, I got caught up in "catching up" to everyone else. For a while, around age 12, I always wanted to be on-track with the kids at school. It was probably because I felt stupid or less intelligent than them, which really wasn't the case. They just knew more meaningless facts than I did. It took me until last year to finally realize that, and to truly understand the reasons and joys of unschooling. Why it really is so much better than public school.
For as long as I can remember I have had friends that have gone to public school. Always. I've never actually had true unschooling friends aside from my cousins. So in a way, I sort of grew up with slightly hybrid thinking. One defending or longing to be in public school, and one completely against it all with pro-unschooling opinions. My parents always told us why public school is bad, but of course as a kid I'm not really going to understand. I never had the experience to. So I just kind of accepted that it was a bad place that I shouldn't be until I was about 14. Because I didn't go to school I always thought I had horrible writing abilities, and a bus load of other things. I finally made the decision to go to my freshman year of high school so I could figure it all out. Why is public school widely considered better? Why do my parents and unschooling parents everywhere preach it's a bad place to be? Why is unschooling so much better? I got all of my answers.
I would be lying if I said I went 100% percent for personal reasons. I had one friend in particular who was pro-school completely and thought I was wasting my life. In a way, I wanted to prove to her that I could do it, and if/if not it was better than unschooling. I guess up until I started writing this I had forgotten about that completely. I kind of kept the fact that this whole thing was an experiment in the back of my mind. I mean, it did feel nice to be "normal". But is it best? For the sake of writing this I'm going to skip through the school year and spare you the details of explaining the entire 9 months. School was exactly as I expected. Well, the whole face of it was anyway. It wasn't as close to as horrible as my parents said it was. The days went by pretty fast, it wasn't horribly boring, and I got to see my friends. The one thing I noticed the first day though, was how little "socialization" time there is. That's one thing all the kids say, "I get to hang out with my friends!". Definitely not the kind of "hanging out" I was used to. At that point it seemed like a stupid reason to want to be there.
After being there a few weeks, I started to realize the being I truly am. I wasn't stupid, not even close. If anyone was stupid it was the other 90% of the kids that were there. Everyone raved about my writing, my honors English teacher included. I did good in all my classes despite NEVER having a formal lesson in anything. That's when I realized that me, an unschooler, never been "taught" anything that these kids have, is doing better at the game than they are. Pretty ironic, no? Some of my favorite classes were Honors English 1, Japanese 1, and Jazz Choir. Those were the best.
Something I really began to hate about the school days was waking up at 6:30 am, staying there for six hours, then swimming for another 2, before going home to do meaningless homework. The first semester I got pretty lazy, and ended with a 3.3 GPA. Still, better than most kids, but not my best. Second semester I ended with a 3.8. I couldn't stand the fact that I was surrounded by unmotivated, stupid (not the academic way, the general manner they acted) people. Another trend I noticed was "can't". EVERYBODY used that one. The whole 9 months all in all were good for me. Negatives and positives. I learned that what I was doing before was BETTER than what kids at school get, I learned that what my parents told me wasn't completely heresy, I experienced something that I had never done before, the mystery was gone, and best of all, I can now defend the unschooling philosophy without any doubt in my mind and be credible at the same time. I also understood why public school kids act like they do. It's called loss of motivation.
I quickly realized that if I had to endure that shit for 9 years, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. Friends have told me "you would have been a complete honors student!". I say no, I would've have been a lazy ass bum that wanted nothing more than a couch in life. (Which, I might add I learned a lot from TV. But you get my point. ;P) The thing that made me responsible, smart, and motivated was my unschooling life. And as stupid, annoying, unmotivated, whatever most of the public school kids are, you really can't blame them. While the other public school kids that can relate to me somewhat complain about them as well; they don't understand either. You never really can unless you have lived a free life. (Something else that I realized were the people that I was already friends with, were some of the most intelligent people in the building. How's that for coincidental?) Some personalities are different and can endure 12 years of school plus college, most cannot. Between teachers telling them they're not good enough, and wasting years of their life on something that doesn't really matter, they get fried. Most of the time it goes unnoticed too, you just kind of evaporate. I started to feel the same thing happening to me just in those nine months. Every thought you have, dream you want to fulfill, inspiration that strikes you, it all goes on the back burner, and eventually you just forget how to live any other way altogether.
Would I recommend sending a kid to school? Absolutely not. It's much too easy to lose your way. One thing I would advise though is to find unschooling friends. Would I recommend any other unschoolers go to school? If it's going to do them good like me, sure. If they want to see what it's like, sure. Otherwise, it's going to be a shit hole. Plain and simple. It would be beneficial for everyone to see what it's like, but not everyone can go through it with the same view point. So like everything else in our lives, it's up to us to make that decision. But now here I am, the year I thought would never end completed, and I have to decide what I want to do for the remaining 3. Over the last few days I've really been reflecting about what I truly want. Is it to finish high school, deal with everything I don't like, and benefit from the things I do? Or stop and go straight to college, and focus on what I want with life? That's something I'll be thinking about for a while.
Monday, March 2, 2009
How I found my Way
Wow. Parts of this I could have written myself. I love this post.
How I found my way as a Mother, Wife, Friend.... ME...
Posted by: "littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com" littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com
Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:53 pm (PST)
my mom has told me
"the difference is, he's an easy child"
"the difference is, you are a stay at home mom"
I've been guilty of the difference is comments also
"the difference is, your child doesn't have special needs"
"the difference is, your husband doesn't work the night shift"
"the difference is, you have family nearby to help"
I'm starting to move past the "the difference is" comments, and listen
to what people have to say and instead of saying "that wont work" I
say "is there a way that might work"...
this is only recent for me - the last 2-3 months or so I've grown a
lot in this area... it's easier to have reasons why something wont
work for you, or why someone cant possibly understand you. and
sometimes, something won't work for you, and sometimes the person
doesn't understand you, but you gain more knowledge with an open mind
then a closed mind. It's amazing how many times I said "that wouldnt
work with MY kids" and now those things ARE working with my kids.. I
had tried them in the past and they didnt work... what changed? *I*
did. It didnt work before because my heart and mind were not in the
right place, but with changes in MY thinking I have seen changes in
other's around me that have been nothing short of eye opening for me.
As my *children* get older I don't find myself thinking "oh now I see
what my mom was saying" but more so as *I* grow I am seeing "oh, now I
see how it is possible to be more gentle and get results and still not
be permissive". I think when my children are older I may look back on
this and possibly think *my* current approach is controlling. It's
amazing how much control we (general) hold onto without realizing it,
and how that actually gets in our way and in the way of our children
and loved ones, instead of guiding them to their personal best.
I have learned that when there is a power struggle there is usually
something *I* need to change to get the desired results. Before I
thought it was something I needed to change in them, when it was more
so something I needed to change in their environment and in *my*
approach. I understand some parents feel kids should do things because
they said so. For me, I'm happy if my kids do things they should do
that keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into genuine good
hearted people, even if they do these things without prompting, or
even if I have explain why and letting them decide, instead of
insisting they do it my way "because Im the parent"
I see many times, "this kid needs to stay still while I put his socks
on because I said so" where as, I have no problem saying "oh you want
to be upside down while I put your socks on! okay!" and my sons socks
are on 1 minutes later and they are still busy demanding the child sit
still. I may seem permissive to them, but really we are just
cooperating instead of fighting for power and control.
It is normal for a person to want to feel in control. I see sometimes
that my children want to control me. And sometimes I want to control
them. For some reason, we feel in control of ourselves when we control
others. I guess this makes sense, as we feel in control of our
surroundings, helping us personally feel in control of ourselves. I am
starting to learn that I can be in control of myself even if I am not
in control of the people around me. I have been teaching my children
the same. "You feel really out of control right now, but to gain
control you need to control yourself, not mommy/daddy/brother" etc."
and everyone in my family has been coming a long way since we have
been learning to control ourselves without controlling others
in effect, we've had a lot less tantrums and I've felt much more
peaceful! Because feeling "out of control" is a big cause for tantrums
in children in stress in adults!
I have to laugh at everything I have said here, 6 months ago I'd think
anyone saying these things were nuts and none of that could possibly
work in my life. It really makes me excited to embrace my personal
growth and our family's journey through life! I think once you hit
that turning point (if you chose to) that life in general seems to
shift to a whole new way. I'm no longer subconsciously fighting for
control! And in result, I am surrounded by cooperation! So now its not
just one or two things that I have allowed to change, but I have
opened myself up to all future changes. Things are happening a lot
quicker now. We've made more progress in the last 3 months then we
have in the last 3 years combined.
Its kind of like, there was this river of knowledge, and I was on the
other side of the dam.. and I kept walking near the dam. poking the
dam. saying, removing that dam is a bad idea. a little water trickled
through now and again, and good things happened, but still I was
weary. One day all those little trickles turned into a puddle and I
realized, breaking this dam is a GREAT idea. so I knocked it down and
the knowledge and growth is flooding. My mind is just saturated and
all the life on the other side of the dam is growing and flourishing
like never before. And I am looking back to where the dam once was and
smiling. Some beaver worked so hard to build that thing. And there was
probably good cause at the time. But right now, that dam doesn't need
to be there. Then I am looking over at the river next to me and the
person there is smiling back and they don't need to say I told you
so... but I am so greatfull for all those times they encouraged me to
poke at my dam and let a little water come through. for all the people
who contributed to my puddle. And finally it all came together that
there wasn't a leak in my dam, there was a blockage in my river. And
then I am smiling at the friend next to me who is thinking, are you
crazy! your broke the dam! now you have water everywhere!! and then
they poke there own dam and some water trickles through.
it's really a great joy. and it's okay that some people like the dam
there too, for them it might need to be there right now, it might need
to be there forever, we're all different, we all protect ourselves in
different ways. breaking the dam can make us vulnerable at first, and
perhaps part of is that we had to be strong enough to break the dam in
the first place. that is another journey in itself... I'm thinking I
found my strength to break my dam by sticking up to my mom and no
longer letting her be a toxic person in my life.
now everyone is thinking I really have fallen into the deep end but
now I can swim!
"the difference is, he's an easy child"
"the difference is, you are a stay at home mom"
I've been guilty of the difference is comments also
"the difference is, your child doesn't have special needs"
"the difference is, your husband doesn't work the night shift"
"the difference is, you have family nearby to help"
I'm starting to move past the "the difference is" comments, and listen
to what people have to say and instead of saying "that wont work" I
say "is there a way that might work"...
this is only recent for me - the last 2-3 months or so I've grown a
lot in this area... it's easier to have reasons why something wont
work for you, or why someone cant possibly understand you. and
sometimes, something won't work for you, and sometimes the person
doesn't understand you, but you gain more knowledge with an open mind
then a closed mind. It's amazing how many times I said "that wouldnt
work with MY kids" and now those things ARE working with my kids.. I
had tried them in the past and they didnt work... what changed? *I*
did. It didnt work before because my heart and mind were not in the
right place, but with changes in MY thinking I have seen changes in
other's around me that have been nothing short of eye opening for me.
As my *children* get older I don't find myself thinking "oh now I see
what my mom was saying" but more so as *I* grow I am seeing "oh, now I
see how it is possible to be more gentle and get results and still not
be permissive". I think when my children are older I may look back on
this and possibly think *my* current approach is controlling. It's
amazing how much control we (general) hold onto without realizing it,
and how that actually gets in our way and in the way of our children
and loved ones, instead of guiding them to their personal best.
I have learned that when there is a power struggle there is usually
something *I* need to change to get the desired results. Before I
thought it was something I needed to change in them, when it was more
so something I needed to change in their environment and in *my*
approach. I understand some parents feel kids should do things because
they said so. For me, I'm happy if my kids do things they should do
that keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into genuine good
hearted people, even if they do these things without prompting, or
even if I have explain why and letting them decide, instead of
insisting they do it my way "because Im the parent"
I see many times, "this kid needs to stay still while I put his socks
on because I said so" where as, I have no problem saying "oh you want
to be upside down while I put your socks on! okay!" and my sons socks
are on 1 minutes later and they are still busy demanding the child sit
still. I may seem permissive to them, but really we are just
cooperating instead of fighting for power and control.
It is normal for a person to want to feel in control. I see sometimes
that my children want to control me. And sometimes I want to control
them. For some reason, we feel in control of ourselves when we control
others. I guess this makes sense, as we feel in control of our
surroundings, helping us personally feel in control of ourselves. I am
starting to learn that I can be in control of myself even if I am not
in control of the people around me. I have been teaching my children
the same. "You feel really out of control right now, but to gain
control you need to control yourself, not mommy/daddy/
and everyone in my family has been coming a long way since we have
been learning to control ourselves without controlling others
in effect, we've had a lot less tantrums and I've felt much more
peaceful! Because feeling "out of control" is a big cause for tantrums
in children in stress in adults!
I have to laugh at everything I have said here, 6 months ago I'd think
anyone saying these things were nuts and none of that could possibly
work in my life. It really makes me excited to embrace my personal
growth and our family's journey through life! I think once you hit
that turning point (if you chose to) that life in general seems to
shift to a whole new way. I'm no longer subconsciously fighting for
control! And in result, I am surrounded by cooperation! So now its not
just one or two things that I have allowed to change, but I have
opened myself up to all future changes. Things are happening a lot
quicker now. We've made more progress in the last 3 months then we
have in the last 3 years combined.
Its kind of like, there was this river of knowledge, and I was on the
other side of the dam.. and I kept walking near the dam. poking the
dam. saying, removing that dam is a bad idea. a little water trickled
through now and again, and good things happened, but still I was
weary. One day all those little trickles turned into a puddle and I
realized, breaking this dam is a GREAT idea. so I knocked it down and
the knowledge and growth is flooding. My mind is just saturated and
all the life on the other side of the dam is growing and flourishing
like never before. And I am looking back to where the dam once was and
smiling. Some beaver worked so hard to build that thing. And there was
probably good cause at the time. But right now, that dam doesn't need
to be there. Then I am looking over at the river next to me and the
person there is smiling back and they don't need to say I told you
so... but I am so greatfull for all those times they encouraged me to
poke at my dam and let a little water come through. for all the people
who contributed to my puddle. And finally it all came together that
there wasn't a leak in my dam, there was a blockage in my river. And
then I am smiling at the friend next to me who is thinking, are you
crazy! your broke the dam! now you have water everywhere!! and then
they poke there own dam and some water trickles through.
it's really a great joy. and it's okay that some people like the dam
there too, for them it might need to be there right now, it might need
to be there forever, we're all different, we all protect ourselves in
different ways. breaking the dam can make us vulnerable at first, and
perhaps part of is that we had to be strong enough to break the dam in
the first place. that is another journey in itself... I'm thinking I
found my strength to break my dam by sticking up to my mom and no
longer letting her be a toxic person in my life.
now everyone is thinking I really have fallen into the deep end but
now I can swim!
The 'Disease' that I WANT to have for the rest of my life!
Symptoms of Inner Peace
"Inner peace is a communicable disease that could possibly infect
your
home or workplace. You may already be showing signs of it and quite
possibly be passing it along to others!
You may have already caught this disease!
See how many of these symptoms you exhibit:
1. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears
based on past experiences. (As of 3-1-09, I have this symptom about 75% of the time! :)
2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. (As of 3-1-09, I have this symptom often, I think it could be a constantly growing ability as you live and learn.)
3. A loss of interest in judging self. (3-1-09,Absolutely 100%!)
4. A loss of interest in judging others. (3-2-09, probably 75-80%... almost there!)
5. A loss of interest in conflict. (95% of the time, especially in my immediate family! Awesome. 3-2-09)
6. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. (Hmmm... I thought this was a good thing, at least I use it for good. :)
7. A loss of ability to worry (this is a serious symptom). (I'm ok with this, probably 60%)
8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation. (This certainly happens more than it used to, and I'm looking forward to it increasing!)
9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature. (Absolutely. I have never experienced these feelings before, and recently discovered them. I plan to experience them more and more.)
10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart. (Not frequently enough. 3-2-09)
11. Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others as well as
the uncontrollable urge to extend it. (Absolutely! Freedom!!)
12. An increasing tendency to let things happen. (Yup.)
If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised
that your condition of PEACE may be so far advanced
as to not be treatable."
You can NOT ask your Doctor about this one.
- Jeff Rockwell (American Chiropractor) as quoted by Steve Goodier
I have never felt more at peace, more myself, just MORE. Life is good.
"Inner peace is a communicable disease that could possibly infect
your
home or workplace. You may already be showing signs of it and quite
possibly be passing it along to others!
You may have already caught this disease!
See how many of these symptoms you exhibit:
1. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears
based on past experiences. (As of 3-1-09, I have this symptom about 75% of the time! :)
2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment. (As of 3-1-09, I have this symptom often, I think it could be a constantly growing ability as you live and learn.)
3. A loss of interest in judging self. (3-1-09,Absolutely 100%!)
4. A loss of interest in judging others. (3-2-09, probably 75-80%... almost there!)
5. A loss of interest in conflict. (95% of the time, especially in my immediate family! Awesome. 3-2-09)
6. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. (Hmmm... I thought this was a good thing, at least I use it for good. :)
7. A loss of ability to worry (this is a serious symptom). (I'm ok with this, probably 60%)
8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation. (This certainly happens more than it used to, and I'm looking forward to it increasing!)
9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature. (Absolutely. I have never experienced these feelings before, and recently discovered them. I plan to experience them more and more.)
10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart. (Not frequently enough. 3-2-09)
11. Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others as well as
the uncontrollable urge to extend it. (Absolutely! Freedom!!)
12. An increasing tendency to let things happen. (Yup.)
If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised
that your condition of PEACE may be so far advanced
as to not be treatable."
You can NOT ask your Doctor about this one.
- Jeff Rockwell (American Chiropractor) as quoted by Steve Goodier
I have never felt more at peace, more myself, just MORE. Life is good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
