Wow. Parts of this I could have written myself. I love this post.
How I found my way as a Mother, Wife, Friend.... ME...
Posted by: "littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com" littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com littlemrssunshine@rocketmail.com
Sun Mar 1, 2009 12:53 pm (PST)
my mom has told me
"the difference is, he's an easy child"
"the difference is, you are a stay at home mom"
I've been guilty of the difference is comments also
"the difference is, your child doesn't have special needs"
"the difference is, your husband doesn't work the night shift"
"the difference is, you have family nearby to help"
I'm starting to move past the "the difference is" comments, and listen
to what people have to say and instead of saying "that wont work" I
say "is there a way that might work"...
this is only recent for me - the last 2-3 months or so I've grown a
lot in this area... it's easier to have reasons why something wont
work for you, or why someone cant possibly understand you. and
sometimes, something won't work for you, and sometimes the person
doesn't understand you, but you gain more knowledge with an open mind
then a closed mind. It's amazing how many times I said "that wouldnt
work with MY kids" and now those things ARE working with my kids.. I
had tried them in the past and they didnt work... what changed? *I*
did. It didnt work before because my heart and mind were not in the
right place, but with changes in MY thinking I have seen changes in
other's around me that have been nothing short of eye opening for me.
As my *children* get older I don't find myself thinking "oh now I see
what my mom was saying" but more so as *I* grow I am seeing "oh, now I
see how it is possible to be more gentle and get results and still not
be permissive". I think when my children are older I may look back on
this and possibly think *my* current approach is controlling. It's
amazing how much control we (general) hold onto without realizing it,
and how that actually gets in our way and in the way of our children
and loved ones, instead of guiding them to their personal best.
I have learned that when there is a power struggle there is usually
something *I* need to change to get the desired results. Before I
thought it was something I needed to change in them, when it was more
so something I needed to change in their environment and in *my*
approach. I understand some parents feel kids should do things because
they said so. For me, I'm happy if my kids do things they should do
that keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into genuine good
hearted people, even if they do these things without prompting, or
even if I have explain why and letting them decide, instead of
insisting they do it my way "because Im the parent"
I see many times, "this kid needs to stay still while I put his socks
on because I said so" where as, I have no problem saying "oh you want
to be upside down while I put your socks on! okay!" and my sons socks
are on 1 minutes later and they are still busy demanding the child sit
still. I may seem permissive to them, but really we are just
cooperating instead of fighting for power and control.
It is normal for a person to want to feel in control. I see sometimes
that my children want to control me. And sometimes I want to control
them. For some reason, we feel in control of ourselves when we control
others. I guess this makes sense, as we feel in control of our
surroundings, helping us personally feel in control of ourselves. I am
starting to learn that I can be in control of myself even if I am not
in control of the people around me. I have been teaching my children
the same. "You feel really out of control right now, but to gain
control you need to control yourself, not mommy/daddy/brother" etc."
and everyone in my family has been coming a long way since we have
been learning to control ourselves without controlling others
in effect, we've had a lot less tantrums and I've felt much more
peaceful! Because feeling "out of control" is a big cause for tantrums
in children in stress in adults!
I have to laugh at everything I have said here, 6 months ago I'd think
anyone saying these things were nuts and none of that could possibly
work in my life. It really makes me excited to embrace my personal
growth and our family's journey through life! I think once you hit
that turning point (if you chose to) that life in general seems to
shift to a whole new way. I'm no longer subconsciously fighting for
control! And in result, I am surrounded by cooperation! So now its not
just one or two things that I have allowed to change, but I have
opened myself up to all future changes. Things are happening a lot
quicker now. We've made more progress in the last 3 months then we
have in the last 3 years combined.
Its kind of like, there was this river of knowledge, and I was on the
other side of the dam.. and I kept walking near the dam. poking the
dam. saying, removing that dam is a bad idea. a little water trickled
through now and again, and good things happened, but still I was
weary. One day all those little trickles turned into a puddle and I
realized, breaking this dam is a GREAT idea. so I knocked it down and
the knowledge and growth is flooding. My mind is just saturated and
all the life on the other side of the dam is growing and flourishing
like never before. And I am looking back to where the dam once was and
smiling. Some beaver worked so hard to build that thing. And there was
probably good cause at the time. But right now, that dam doesn't need
to be there. Then I am looking over at the river next to me and the
person there is smiling back and they don't need to say I told you
so... but I am so greatfull for all those times they encouraged me to
poke at my dam and let a little water come through. for all the people
who contributed to my puddle. And finally it all came together that
there wasn't a leak in my dam, there was a blockage in my river. And
then I am smiling at the friend next to me who is thinking, are you
crazy! your broke the dam! now you have water everywhere!! and then
they poke there own dam and some water trickles through.
it's really a great joy. and it's okay that some people like the dam
there too, for them it might need to be there right now, it might need
to be there forever, we're all different, we all protect ourselves in
different ways. breaking the dam can make us vulnerable at first, and
perhaps part of is that we had to be strong enough to break the dam in
the first place. that is another journey in itself... I'm thinking I
found my strength to break my dam by sticking up to my mom and no
longer letting her be a toxic person in my life.
now everyone is thinking I really have fallen into the deep end but
now I can swim!
"the difference is, he's an easy child"
"the difference is, you are a stay at home mom"
I've been guilty of the difference is comments also
"the difference is, your child doesn't have special needs"
"the difference is, your husband doesn't work the night shift"
"the difference is, you have family nearby to help"
I'm starting to move past the "the difference is" comments, and listen
to what people have to say and instead of saying "that wont work" I
say "is there a way that might work"...
this is only recent for me - the last 2-3 months or so I've grown a
lot in this area... it's easier to have reasons why something wont
work for you, or why someone cant possibly understand you. and
sometimes, something won't work for you, and sometimes the person
doesn't understand you, but you gain more knowledge with an open mind
then a closed mind. It's amazing how many times I said "that wouldnt
work with MY kids" and now those things ARE working with my kids.. I
had tried them in the past and they didnt work... what changed? *I*
did. It didnt work before because my heart and mind were not in the
right place, but with changes in MY thinking I have seen changes in
other's around me that have been nothing short of eye opening for me.
As my *children* get older I don't find myself thinking "oh now I see
what my mom was saying" but more so as *I* grow I am seeing "oh, now I
see how it is possible to be more gentle and get results and still not
be permissive". I think when my children are older I may look back on
this and possibly think *my* current approach is controlling. It's
amazing how much control we (general) hold onto without realizing it,
and how that actually gets in our way and in the way of our children
and loved ones, instead of guiding them to their personal best.
I have learned that when there is a power struggle there is usually
something *I* need to change to get the desired results. Before I
thought it was something I needed to change in them, when it was more
so something I needed to change in their environment and in *my*
approach. I understand some parents feel kids should do things because
they said so. For me, I'm happy if my kids do things they should do
that keep them safe, healthy, and help them grow into genuine good
hearted people, even if they do these things without prompting, or
even if I have explain why and letting them decide, instead of
insisting they do it my way "because Im the parent"
I see many times, "this kid needs to stay still while I put his socks
on because I said so" where as, I have no problem saying "oh you want
to be upside down while I put your socks on! okay!" and my sons socks
are on 1 minutes later and they are still busy demanding the child sit
still. I may seem permissive to them, but really we are just
cooperating instead of fighting for power and control.
It is normal for a person to want to feel in control. I see sometimes
that my children want to control me. And sometimes I want to control
them. For some reason, we feel in control of ourselves when we control
others. I guess this makes sense, as we feel in control of our
surroundings, helping us personally feel in control of ourselves. I am
starting to learn that I can be in control of myself even if I am not
in control of the people around me. I have been teaching my children
the same. "You feel really out of control right now, but to gain
control you need to control yourself, not mommy/daddy/
and everyone in my family has been coming a long way since we have
been learning to control ourselves without controlling others
in effect, we've had a lot less tantrums and I've felt much more
peaceful! Because feeling "out of control" is a big cause for tantrums
in children in stress in adults!
I have to laugh at everything I have said here, 6 months ago I'd think
anyone saying these things were nuts and none of that could possibly
work in my life. It really makes me excited to embrace my personal
growth and our family's journey through life! I think once you hit
that turning point (if you chose to) that life in general seems to
shift to a whole new way. I'm no longer subconsciously fighting for
control! And in result, I am surrounded by cooperation! So now its not
just one or two things that I have allowed to change, but I have
opened myself up to all future changes. Things are happening a lot
quicker now. We've made more progress in the last 3 months then we
have in the last 3 years combined.
Its kind of like, there was this river of knowledge, and I was on the
other side of the dam.. and I kept walking near the dam. poking the
dam. saying, removing that dam is a bad idea. a little water trickled
through now and again, and good things happened, but still I was
weary. One day all those little trickles turned into a puddle and I
realized, breaking this dam is a GREAT idea. so I knocked it down and
the knowledge and growth is flooding. My mind is just saturated and
all the life on the other side of the dam is growing and flourishing
like never before. And I am looking back to where the dam once was and
smiling. Some beaver worked so hard to build that thing. And there was
probably good cause at the time. But right now, that dam doesn't need
to be there. Then I am looking over at the river next to me and the
person there is smiling back and they don't need to say I told you
so... but I am so greatfull for all those times they encouraged me to
poke at my dam and let a little water come through. for all the people
who contributed to my puddle. And finally it all came together that
there wasn't a leak in my dam, there was a blockage in my river. And
then I am smiling at the friend next to me who is thinking, are you
crazy! your broke the dam! now you have water everywhere!! and then
they poke there own dam and some water trickles through.
it's really a great joy. and it's okay that some people like the dam
there too, for them it might need to be there right now, it might need
to be there forever, we're all different, we all protect ourselves in
different ways. breaking the dam can make us vulnerable at first, and
perhaps part of is that we had to be strong enough to break the dam in
the first place. that is another journey in itself... I'm thinking I
found my strength to break my dam by sticking up to my mom and no
longer letting her be a toxic person in my life.
now everyone is thinking I really have fallen into the deep end but
now I can swim!
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