Bitchin' and Moanin'

Ok, this is going to be a bitch session. So there's my disclaimer... I am going to let out my fearful, angry assumptions.. You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of u and me.... I know this is possibly what I am doing, but I need to get this out.

I began boiling when James' dad asked him on the phone, "so did you do ALL the cooking?" and I'm sure he implied that I had left James to do all the work, since James' reply was, "She let me sit down. She did the dishes and made the mashed potatoes."

I am GD, F%&*ing, sick, with a capital S, of being thought to be this lowly white trash, not good enough for their son, immature, selfish, irresponsible person whom they have the Godly responsibility to save. And as of late, they've put the saving part on the back burner, in shock by all the changes I am making in my life. I'm sure their number 1 thought about me is "how low will she go?"
And damn it, I'm NOT going low at all! I am just different than what their idea of an "ideal wife and mom" is. And certainly right now, I am not up to all that I would like to be either... It just makes me so angry to think of how John will go back to Sandi (and yes, I am purposely putting their names because I am distancing myself from the hurt of them being "mom and dad"), and say to her how james did most of the cooking for Thanksgiving dinner, and they will wonder what I was doing all that time. And they will think it over and assume that I am just being my selfish self, just exceptionally so right now because I have "rejected God" and become more "worldly" giving in to my "fleshly desires of selfishness".
I feel so rejected when I think that they feel that way. Not because I fear in any way shape or form that they are correct, but because they are the mom and dad I never had, and I only desire their approval. Their disapproval feels like rejection all over again.
ok. so now I feel better after getting the pain out. Mostly. I soooo want to feel strong enough to not need them or their approval... I don't even want to need them without their approval, because that would leave me open to being hurt. I want to just trust the people who love me unconditionally. James and my kids. Anyone else is off limits for any kind of intimacy. It scares the hell out of me to feel so vulnerable. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't need anybody. That way I wouldn't give a f*&% what anyone thought about me.
This probably isn't the healthiest place to be in, but it's where I am right now. And all from some tiny little comment, probably not even meant to hurt, maybe even just a question... but it took the thin layer of protection, the thin membranous scar forming over the deep abscess of hurt in my heart, and pierced it straight through, allowing me to feel the deep hurt once again. Will I ever heal?