The Wheels are Turning

I'm thinking this morning about my kids and school. My kids and their internal motivations. My kids and their desires. My husband's desires. My desires. There has GOT to be a way to get everyone's needs met!!

Aaron swears that he does NOT want to go to school. Travis mostly does not want to go, but he likes the classroom/teacher setting of learning. Jesse likes the classroom setting, and the teasing around with other kids, and the feeling he gets from getting good grades. It probably is the feeling of accomplishment like Travis gets from making magazine sales. Savannah likes being taught in a classroom setting too, and she likes her teacher being laid back and quiet speaking, not demanding and loud. I would not have known any of these things had my kids not decided that they wanted to try school.
My mind feels like it is starting to open. I am seeing the nuances rather than the blacks and whites this morning, that's why I just HAD to sit down and blog.

It's NOT about "going to school" or "quitting school"! It's about certain needs that human beings have getting met. Aaron has a need to be home with his family more time during the day than to be out with other people. He has said that "they" the teachers at school WANT the kids to be away from their families all day. And how could he think anything else? They are happy acting and positive about the kids being in school.

This NEEDS BEING MET thinking really helps me to understand why it seems like the kids are so, ON AGAIN, OFF AGAIN, when it comes to school. My dh says, "yes, they don't want to go in the morning, but then they are happy and say that "it was fun" when they come home". This must mean that they DO like school, and they just "have" to do certain things like get up early, be away from your family, etc. to be able to go. I knew in my heart that this is not how I feel about it. I do not think that they are 'just kids' who don't really know what they want, but I did not have the words to articulate the feelings inside me.
I tried to explain that they are happy getting off of the bus because they are finally home after being away all day (my daughter even said that to me), and that they say that is was "fun" because they DO remember SOME fun things, and they know that Dad wants to hear about the fun things, but overall, they are not getting ALL of their needs met there. They get some needs met, like hearing new information from an adult, and doing a variety of things in a day, getting a little bit of excercise on the playground, etc. But their needs to be autonomous, to not have to raise their hand to talk, to go to the bathroom as needed, to learn longer about Science, but not as long about English, to just lay down when they are tired, to eat when they are hungry, their needs to be with people that they love when they want to be, etc, etc, etc...Those needs are not being met. I think that going to school needs to be an internal decision that they make using their needs as decision makers. Needs being met on one side of the scale and needs not being met on the other. Some needs weigh more than others. We don't have to tell them what to do. They know inside of themselves what needs need met. We just have to figure out a way to get their needs met, and our needs met at the same time. I don't have a need for them to go to school. I have a need to have variety and creative outlets in my life. I have needs that can be met in a variety of ways like they do. Maybe school will be right for some of the kids and not for others. Maybe I don't need an institutionalized life to be happy. I just need my needs met. My needs for interaction with people, my needs for artistic outlet. My needs for some "just thinking" time (like I am having right now with two of my kids sitting beside me, one napping, two being read to by their grandma, and one reading in the kitchen.) I want to think in terms of needs, not in terms of have to's. I just didn't have those words yet.

What got me thinking all of this was my 10 year old ds going out to sell magazines. He is one of those kids that people would describe as "sullen, difficult, stubborn, negative" at times. I will not use those negative labels intentionally ever again!!! He is thoughtful, persistent, thorough, fair, and maybe more pessimistic at times, when he feels like all the world's against him.
But this morning, he came back from selling magazines, excited because he'd remembered to go back to his customers' houses and give them their receipts after forgetting them at the time of the original sale. My mom and I were looking through the papers trying to help him, and we realized that he had given them the magazine supplier receipt instead of the customer receipt.
Ds got sad and said, "Oh man, I don't know what I am doing with this thing!" He was internally downing himself with all kinds of self disgust rhetoric, I'm sure. My mom and I tried to tell him it was no big deal, that they would not think that he didn't know what he was doing, that they would be fine with him exchanging the receipts. Then dh and I were chatting online, and he said, "Oh! the customers will LIKE it if he comes back to exchange it!"
I thought, "He's right! They WILL like it! They will think, 'This kid is really thorough! He's really got his head on straight.' "

THAT GOT ME THINKING.
If we can see that Travis is persistent, reliable, and thorough, why do we have to think thoughts about him like:
"He is quitting school. He isn't trying hard enough. What if this means that he's lazy and won't hold down a job? What if he just wants to sit at home and watch TV or YouTube or play video games all day long, and never help with the housework or do any kind of work?"

What kind of negative fearful thinking is that?! It is fear and negativity that WE are giving in to!
Why can't we be thinking, Hmm... I know that he is a thorough, motivated, reliable person. What at school is de-motivating him? Can we change that? And also be willing to accept that maybe the school environment is not changeable enough to accomodate his needs. And be willing to help him find a life that meets his needs for self esteem, etc.. while also allowing the rest of us to have our needs met....
Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness.... Doesn't this apply to kids to?
More on this later, as my family needs me to help with homework, magazine sales, lunch,etc.. and I need a shower... :)