Perfect Circle Broken

Written some time before I began this JustMe blog:

I really wish I could post this. I don't like the fact that I feel my blog has been taken away from me. I don't want to offend my in laws (who read this blog), yet I have a right to my own feelings...
But then again, I don't want them critiquing me when I do not claim to have a concrete only one way on things... I am ever changing. I guess if I put that disclaimer on it, I'd feel ok about letting go of the fact that I'm being critiqued, but as of right now, I cannot let go of the fact that if they see how much my thoughts differ from theirs, their feelings will probably be hurt. So it is for them that I am writing these posts, and not publishing them. Maybe at some point, I will just get tired of it, and say, "Oh, grow up. Don't get hurt because of my thoughts, just realize that I am different from you, and let it go." But right now I feel that that would be callous. Yet I don't feel that it would be fair for me to have to start a whole other blog just because this one is "being watched".... so the debate in my head rages on because I like to blog on the internet, not just privately...
Ok, so that is one of the things I am a little frustrated with this morning. Secondly, I woke up thinking about how Kim cancelled our swapping moms arrangement, and how she was talking about Jaidyn "throwing a fit", and how it was because she was tired. But before she realized that she was 'just tired', she thought about how her 2 year old doesn't even act like that.... A common thought. But one that frustrates me. Her 2 year old doesn't act like that because she's been beaten or threatened into submission. NOT because she has better manners. 2, 4, and even 6 year olds have the most trouble 'controlling their emotions'. but even adults have trouble with that sometimes.
Kim said that people learn to accomodate other people. For example as an adult if you are tired going to work, you don't treat people like sh*t just because you are tired. And I thought to myself, "yes, Kim, but that's because you are AN ADULT and you have learned THROUGH EXPERIENCE that people don't like that. 4 year olds don't have enough experience yet to do that...." Furthermore, if you are a grumpy adult, do you like someone to gently point out to you how you are acting, or do you want someone yelling at you? It's a matter of treating someone how you would like to be treated.
Ok. that was my second frustration. Thirdly, I get frustrated at the fact that I cannot be perfectly in line with anyone else's beliefs. Even my husband, and my next closest friend Laura, and I do not have exactly the same beliefs. I was used to having this Perfect Circle around me whose boundaries enclosed everyone I agreed with, and there were at least 6 other people... It was nice to feel so.... safe? I guess that's what I felt. Safe. Safe because no one would vehemently disagree with me. My self esteem was constantly being uplifted when we discussed how other people who did NOT agree with us, were either just plain wrong, or just outside the Perfect Circle. Now my safety net is gone. I feel constantly exposed to the elements of the winds of change. I feel naked and unsure. I do NOT LIKE this feeling. I realize that in the long run it will probably serve the purpose of making me tougher, which is probably a good thing. I spent many years in the safety of the inner part of the Perfect Circle, with my inlaws and my husband constantly monitoring the borders for me, keeping me small and defenseless in the middle of the Circle. Now I am forcing myself to grow by stepping outside the circle. Walking out into the great big Universe on my own. I guess that says something about me. That I AM strong. That I am brave. Maybe instead of feeling frustrated that I am standing out here in the cold winds, I should put my winter gear on, and head out to my destination.
Then I face the frustration of not really knowing my final destination, and I am headed back to thinking about my purpose. I'm going to go write more on that post.