Positively glad to be Alive Thoughts at 2am!

Almost 2am, and I am wide awake. Maybe coffee at 10pm was not the best of ideas... yet I am truly enjoying my time at the moment, and the fact that I am getting my house much cleaner than it used to be, and much more organized, and I'm not done yet! I am making my own lavendar laundry soap, baby wipes, and facial cream from the cheapest and greenest ingredients I can find. James' grocery budgeting is a major part of our financial overhaul, and I believe that the book I am reading, 'How to Get What you Want, with the Money You Already Have' by Carol Keefe, is going to really help us in the savings department, AND make life more exciting!
I had a good visit with Jerren Helwig tonight, made a new friend, with differences, and similarities, and learned a lot about becoming a midwife. I have learned through watching the Ohio Families for Safe Birth message board, that I do not want to be a political activist. I think I want to be on much more of an intimate, spiritual level of the Safe Birth movement. I may become a CPM, eventually. We'll see.
Aaron, Jesse, and Nathan, just hit the sack about 20minutes ago. Boy are we all in for a grumpfest tomorrow, unless we sleep in late... actually, I'll make a mandatory naptime later in teh day, and we'll get the rest we need.
Yes, I said a mandatory nap time. I am realizing that being a complete 50/50 partner with my children is not going to work for our family. I would keep the level of unsure, underconfident, confusion if I lack sleep, and lack my parental authority position. Yes, I used the word authority. It has taken on a new meaning for me lately, probably the one that James has always thought it meant.... A caretaker. One who helps and guides the child when they cannot see the source of their unmet needs. Not one who teaches the child about her unmet need at the most vulnerable point, but one who deciphers that unmet need, and then supports the child through the emotions, and later discusses with the child how they got to such a vulnerable point, sharing stories of our own vulnerabilities.
I soooo do NOT want to make my children feel that they are to be controlled, are bad, or not good enough, or less than myself, or anyone else.... but I am seeing that at times, I DO know what they need better than they do. They do NOT know when they are tired, and it is affecting their mood. They refuse to admit that they are tired....
Well, maybe they are refusing my offering "the answer", of being tired, to their feelings, because they want to figure it out on their own, and if I approach it differently in the future, they will not say that they "are not tired", but will just admit that they need sleep, or comfort, or whatever.... I certainly plan to keep honing my respectful relationship skills with them, in the midst of regaining my perspective of what it means to me to be a parent.

Update on the Mom (in law) relationship

I talked to her today, quietly and honestly. I know she heard the hurt in my voice, as I told her that I couldn't use the money she gave me for my birthday, because if I bought sunglasses (or whatever), I would just feel hurt and rejection whenever I wore them because they came from her. She who said that I am now just the wife of her son, and the mother of her grandchildren. She who was my mother for so very long, and such an intimate part of my life. Too intimate for sure, but you cannot seperate from that closeness without being wounded, and even feeling the missing part long after the wound has healed.
I told her that I cannot feel good about keeping up such a sterile relationship. It feels fake. I desire a closer relationship with her other than only speaking when circumstances force us together, which is often. All the hurt from what she said to me, and what she says to others about me. gradually, but surely fades in my need for a loving mother. I remember the softness, not the hardness. I remember the love, not the disdain, and this ultimately brings me back to a place of yearning for that closeness, that sweetness that we had.
And maybe I perceived it a HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENTLY than she did. I was the child gaining sustenance from the parent, and she was the mentor doing her best to "raise" someone else's child. I perceived a commitment from her that she apparently was not giving. An unconditional love that was conditional.
I told her that in the future, she need not give me birthday gifts or presents of any sort. It does not feel good to me when I feel that I mean so little to her. It is a front. Something either done for appearances, or to make her feel good about herself for giving it to "her family".
I want to cry right now, but the release I am feeling from writing this is all I will get at the moment. I am needed as the mom downstairs.
Peace and Love I feel. The Light can only be felt in the presence of the Dark. Amen

The Unknown

Gods and Godesses, Darwin, Einstein, and the Holy Bible
The Koran, The Talmud, The Book of Mormon

Buddism, Toaism, Shintuism, Hinduism
Judaism, Wicca, and Catholocism

Religions and Holy books, Chocolate cake
How many guesses does it take?
One two three four,
No one knows

So I'm tired. I still have to complain, even though I may wake up with a more positive view tomorrow. Why does it feel like the kids don't want to be with me when they want to be with their grandparents? Or even just at their grandparents house? why do I feel so inadequate when they tell me that they want that one on one time with their grandma or grandpa? I feel like they shouldn't need anyone else but me. Nathan pretty much only wants me, but even now at age 2, he will say "I want Bam Ma house." And I think, what have I done wrong? What need of theirs am I not fulfilling that they want to go to someone else's house?
I should ask myself, what need do I have that is not being met when I feel so bad that my kids want some variety. They ARE at home, or with me somewhere MOST of the time. Why does it feel like they are rejecting me when they want to hang out with someone else for a while? I don't have an answer for that one right now.
I do know that I need to feel secure in my position as mom, and have no issues telling MIL that I will talk with dh about this, and let her know. I should also have no problem telling her that she is not to ask me in front of the children if they can spend the night. Well, the computer battery is dying, I guess I'll finish this later.
Weeks later, and I still have the same problem. It has more to do with my MIL rejecting me than it does the kids rejecting me... or maybe they are equal fears I have.

Healing....

Beginning to write memoirs and spill my emotions into my new blog has helped me to replace the bitterness and hurt, that I thought were immovable, with a renewed love for my MIL based on all the good that she did for me as a younger person. She is the best at nurturing that I have ever seen. Which was really good for me for many years, and filled that void that I had from my original parents. It may have been a little unbalanced, so that my FIL didn't really get a chance to fill that "dad" void, because she did so much nurturing... but that is being remedied now, thanks to my changes, and my love of myself. I can stand up to him, and he is feeling free to be honest with me on a less adversarial, more friendly basis. At least for a while lately. I hope it continues for the most part. I am truly enjoying talking with him lately. Not the content, but the atmosphere of our relationship. It seems so conducive to happiness in being our own two selves, yet co-existing!
My MIL on the other hand, is having a rough time being around me yet. Let alone talking honestly. I plan to do my best to love her out of that. I am so grateful for the love she shared with me in my teenage years that I want to pay her back now. Maybe that's part of what hurt her so badly was that she thought that I was completely rejecting all the love that she had given me. I believe that her idea of love is wrapped up in trying to "help" a person by sharing what has worked for giving her happiness, and she doesn't get that it may take something else completely to give someone else happiness....
I think I completely threw her for a loop by telling her thanks for helping me grow up, and now "I don't need you anymore", in so many words. Maybe she felt used. Taken advantage of. That really lines up with how many times she's brought up that out of context comment I made about her having been my "nanny, housekeeper, and best friend all in one".... Ouch. When I think of it in those terms, I really feel for her. I think she truly believes that I took what I needed from her, and decided to throw her away after that. Yikes. That must've been hell to accept. Of course she didn't ask me if that's what I was doing... she did assume. But she is human. And I have accepted that now.
I am ready to let her know that I can handle her emotions now. I think. I don't want to have her blow up at me, feel hurt, and then get angry again because I'm hurt again..... I just have to think of it in the context
of giving us a second chance at a relationship that some people never get.

March 17th, Green Day (or blue)

Today is St. Patrick's Day, and the first day it's really felt like spring. We've had some 40 and 50 degree days, but today most of the chill was gone, and it was 59 degrees. I slept on the deck for an hour while Nathan napped and the kids played on the trampoline and the computer. I feel really grubby though. Is it my lack of shower? The fact that I stayed up until 1am again... dumb, dumb, dumb... I am learning that staying up late REALLY does NOT benefit me in the long run!
Taking Celexa is causing me to gain weight, and I have 8 lbs. of flab that I'm not used to having. I need a change. I think I'm going to cut my hair. It's in the "barrette" stage again, where that's the only way I wear it. Or in a ponytail that looks unkempt.
Girl scouts tonight. I hope I can go to escape responsibility, but I don't want to go to see MIL, or even talk to the other moms. We don't really have all that much in common. Besides, when I get time out of the house, and I'm not actually doing things with James or the kids, I'd rather just chill. Not talk to people I don't have much in common with. I'm grumpy. It's a beautiful day, and I'm grumpy. Savannah is doing something mysterious downstairs. I cannot imagine that she is cleaning, unless she is folding laundry... It's quiet, and besides, I already swept the whole downstairs. And straightened it up. There IS a mountain of laundry to be done.... but maybe she is baking. I think she might be making cookies, because she said that she wanted some sugar. She told me not to go downstairs. :) Usually that means cleaning surprises, which I love!
Huh. My mood could possibly have something to do with the fact that I am on my period. Funny how I just forget that, and it gets discounted. Maybe cleaning up the kids rooms would make me feel better. Harumph. I am going to just going to sit here with the littles and chat while they eat their apples. :)

Moving On...

I am very angry with myself. I don't like being so needy. I don't like the effect Sandi and John have on me. I thought they were my parents. I found out that they are not. I am treated differently than their children and I respond to them differently than their children. Their children seem to have an understanding that no matter how angry they get with each other, or how much they disagree, or argue, that they will always love each other. I do not have this trust in Sandi and John. And they do not have the love for me that they do for their boys.
I feel the disgust that they feel towards me, and I hear the words they say to me about us not having anything in common except the fact that I am the wife of their son and the mother of their grandchildren, and I feel the complete rejection that those words imply. They do not feel a connection to me. They only felt connected to the actions that I was taking. Now that I do not take those actions, I am no longer welcome as part of their emotional family circle.
The rejection I feel from that hurts. Cuts my heart into ribbons. Destroys any desire to allow myself to feel warmth for them. It deadens any hope that I had for having parents that love me unconditionally.
I have been doing my damndest to build up my emotional strength to be able to handle that dream being crushed.
Unfortunately,continued contact with them, and continued arguing exposes me to my vulnerability. Then dad tells me that I can trust him. And that he loves me. And that little girl in me pulls on my sleeves crying and screaming, "Believe them, believe in them!! I need a mom and a dad who love me!" Despite her voice, I hold it together, telling my little girl that I can be all that she needs as a parent. And I feel stronger. I feel more grown up.
Until my husband tells me that I should trust that they love me, and accept the abuse that I feel coming from them as something unintended, and my resolve melts in my tears. The little girl surfaces in my heart, and I feel crushed once again. I am so tired of being yanked from one extreme emotion to another. I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard?





I feel like singing the Dora theme song... I did it, I did it. But not really an excited I did it. Just a satisfied I did it.
I just got off the phone with Mom Schooling. I was able to work through my feelings (that I wrote about above) this morning. I had such a wall up going to sleep, because I just didn't have the strength to be hurt anymore. When I woke up, I felt it. A wall blocking my True Self from being. Or at least making it a huge struggle to show my True Self through the veil of my bitter hurt. I wanted to get angry at myself for being weak enough to be hurt. But since I know now that I need to have compassion on myself, I used Susan's suggested method of going inside and talking to the part of me that is hurt. I pictured myself at 15 or 16 years old. I remember a pic of me with my pink glasses on and a white/mint green jacket, in Crystal's bedroom. My hair was in a barrette and hanging down my shoulders, chest length, and it was one of my 'looking good without makeup' days. I was a teenager wanting so badly to be loved, and that teenager was the one feeling hurt last night when James re-opened my wound by telling me that he thinks his parents do love me.
Deep, deep down, at some extremely base level of my soul, I know that. But it is so hard to get in touch with the trust in that when my teenage soul is crying out, "I just want to be shown that I am loved! I want to be trusted! That is how I feel loved! And when they are telling me how I should parent my kids, godammit, especially in front of me! I feel like they see me as a child! I need to be seen and loved and trusted as an adult!" Occasionally I see remnants of the love that they used to show me come through to me. But that isn't the kind of love that I need from them now. I need a new, peer, trust kind of love. I guess I am going to have to be the one to show them that.
Maybe, like Travis is the barometer for our family's children,... maybe I am the barometer for their family's children. I am the one with the combination of the most sensitivity (meaning the most in touch with ones inner Self), and the need/guts to be honest about it. Maybe I will bring in a new era of understanding to this family.... Aided by James of course, because I'm not sure that I could have come to this point without his verbal and emotional help. And I'll try not to hold that against him. The fact that I couldn't do it without his help I mean. Because in my old life rulebook, if I couldn't do it on my own, then I wasn't good enough. I guess I'm going to have to struggle with that one and re-write it.
Anyway, I hugged myself, right there in my bed this morning, and pictured the adult me, the one that I've grown up into, putting my arms around the teenage me, and trying to reassure her. I talked both girls roles out verbally. Teenage Me didn't want to talk at first, so I just held her, and told her to cry it out. She did a lot of crying last night, so all that came out were a few hot tears slipping down her cheeks following the slow build up of that pin pricky stuffed up nose, throat tightening feeling humans get when they begin to cry. I just held her for a while, and allowed the hurt to flow through. Then I (Adult Me) told her that I was here to be the one she could lean on for unconditional love. I am strong enough for her. She doesn't need to feel like she has to handle this emotional load. She can go to sleep and rest.
And Adult Me is able to see my inlaws good intentions, through the veil of Teenage Me's hurt. When Teenage Me goes to sleep, Adult Me has a clearer emotional picture. My mother in law has the same hurts and fears from her childhood that I do. Bravo and Kudos to me for being the one to work through them first. And thank you Unschoolers for your help in challenging me to think through my beliefs.
I am healing. I feel a small growing hope that maybe our extended family will grow emotionally as a result of all of this conflict. My inlaws will quite possibly be forced to re-examine their beliefs. Their love for us will not allow them to run from us, or push us, when we stand up for what we believe in. And even voicing that hope, that possibility, is a step forward.