I've Come a Lonnnngggg Way, Baby.

It's with hesitation that I post this, as although it has been years since I have functioned as a dependent person, it is still somewhat embarassing to put it out there. but for others who maybe suffering from this personality disorder, I will. It has taken me years to move past these issues begun in my childhood, but I feel that I am entering the end stages....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPZN-5N_LQ8&feature=fvwp&NR=1

I've come a lonnggggg way, baby.

Here I Grow Again!

I think I like that as a title of a new blog... not sure why I want to start a new one... maybe because this one is all cluttered up with un-posted posts that are more private than to be put out in the public eye..
Anyway, whether I do it anytime soon or not, I'll keep it in mind every time I see this particular post.

I felt the statement bubble up as my fb status after reading this: http://www.sustainablebabysteps.com/about-us.html

I've been thinking unschooly thoughts lately about my kids and about my life. I enjoy the fact that I am making more money right now than I ever have... but I don't want my life to be about making money.
I want my life and my kids lives to be about following our passions. Some of my passions include: Helping my kids develop and live their life plans and education, self educated or "formally" educated, helping babies live a more comfortable life, helping moms have more comfortable, healthier, less anxious pregnancies, births, and lives with their kids, writing, living healthy, becoming more fit, eating well and deliciously, staying active, reading, learning, relaxing and most of all loving....
This website opened up another portal of possibility for all of these things.....

<3 LIFE

My silly unrealistic dreams came true!

So, I sat down like my friend said to and wrote a dream job... I applied to lots of places, one of which was Pink Newborn Services. I love the job i have. It's many aspects of what I wanted... I take care of a baby at night and get paid for it. I work in top notch homes, and get paid well. I have a car that gets 32-40mpg! I'm able to start a real savings account. I was able to singlehandedly afford our 3 day trip to Kalahari Resort. I just got off the phone with Sarah Parent, editor of the ReThinking Everything Magazines. They want me to write a second article for them. It's a start for my writing career!
So many positives... life is good despite its challenges. :)

Cold Death Everyday is how I imagine a windowless office job. I had a taste of it today. Here's what had to come out of me to purge myself of the dread:

"I just left hell. It was in a big brownstone building. One Gojo Place, Akron, Ohio. I parked on the lowest level of the deck, and walked in just my suit jacket against a stiff cold wind up one level through a square cement tunnel to reach protection from the elements. I should have worn a coat.

Inside the building, through the revolving glass door, I took the elevator to the second floor. I was only allowed to the second floor per my plastic card pass. I came out of the elevator into a world of white marble walls and pristine glass doors. My heels clicked on the floor, Click Clack, Click Clack. My bare toes struggled against the confines of my narrow dress shoes.

Accountemps thick blue carpet portrayed a slight sense of warmth contrasting the minimalist upscale atmosphere.

Where do these people hang their coats, or wipe their feet? Where are the coffee cups, the counter sprinkled with sugar spilled from the last person to sweeten their cup of joe? Where is REALITY?

I filled out a thick stack of papers portraying my spotty work history and took three skill evaluations at a computer in the computer bank. The bank consisted of a small room lined with cubicles in which only a monitor, a keyboard, and a small white pad of paper sat on each desk. The flourescent lights overhead are the opposite of comfort. They screamed at me, "Faster! Produce! The masses are waiting! Turn little cog, turn!" I am bored already with the endless stream of numbers spilling from the fingers on my right hand. Do people really exist on this diet of mundane repitition?

I bombed the test for knowing Accounting Clerk office terms. It's been so long since I worked in SBU's small dirty construction office filling out invoices, and answering phone calls, that I'd forgotten a lot.

I have never had a factory worker mentality. I have always been allowed to dream.

The computer prints my final data. I am graded Average on my Excel and Accounting Clerk abilities. I sign a few more papers saying that I will pay the government part of my wages. I will pay out for the misery of this soulless work?

Finally, I am ushered to a room crowded with a table and 3 small chairs. I am told to sit and wait. Someone will meet with me soon. A thick man in a dark suit with dark hair comes in. He uses phrases like, "Alright!", Good Deal!", and "We'll be in touch!" These are office lingo for "We're done here. Get out, and let me get back to my facebook page." He reeked of old office mentality. I could almost hear his thoughts. "I put in my 8 hours repeating the same information to different people everyday, and that is how I spend most of my life. I am a robot."

I am reminded of the satirical picture of an army of skeletons in suits I came across on facebook the other day. All of the skeletons quote monotonously and in harmony, "I am Free. I am Free." A row of black suits in front of a second row, against a 3rd row, and another, and another. We the People, ARE those skeletons. We are shadows of who we could be. We are the products of this society. By which I mean, we are manufactured. Have you ever really thought about the two words, Human Resources?



I have been looking at the world from a distant point of view for so long that I find that I do not want to be present here. I refuse to become a clone embalmed in one of these white marble and glass sepulchres.

Yet, I need an income. Whatever will I do?

So maybe I am silly, unrealistic, immature, etc...

"The main thing that keeps popping into my head is to sit with yourself with no distractions and really ask yourself what it is you would love to be doing if money was no barrier. What is your dream? It doesn’t have to be some big elaborate thing. Then, write it down exactly as you want it to be. Write it like it is already here, already happening. Read it once a day, and then lay it in a place that nobody else disturbs. I put mine on an altar where I meditate. I did this, and within 2 months I had exactly what I wrote. So, don’t try to figure out how you will get it, just “put it out there” and let it be. But, keep your ears and eyes open for opportunities. Don’t ignore anything, even if it doesn’t look like an opportunity. Keep listening to your heart, and ignoring what people are telling you you “should” do. Maybe you will have to take a job until something else works out, but maybe not. I wouldn’t worry about the student loans right now. Tell yourself that all is working exactly as it should be. (assuming you aren’t ignoring things that really need to be done).

I believe the reason you are feeling down is because you don’t want to be in the workplace doing something that doesn’t feed you. Keep thinking outside the box. It doesn’t have to look like an ordinary situation.
Hope this helps a bit. Let me know if you want to talk more or brainstorm.

Much love to you,

Amie J"

What's above is what a new friend wrote to me after I emailed her on her 'Overcoming Depression' website. Below is my reply.

I printed out what you wrote and I am going to begin brainstorming to try to come up with what I "really want to do". The only thing that keeps popping into my head is FREEDOM! I want to write for money, I want to cook, bake, clean, be with my kids, and create pastry art for money... I want a variety of ways for money to come to me through doing things that I enjoy. Society tells me that such a "Jill of all Trades" isn't a job, and won't bring in enough income... I want society to be wrong... but am I being unrealistic? I have a few weeks to find out.

Still Dreaming.....

On becoming an author...on becoming Self Employed!!

I have just realized that one of my favorite ways to write is also a way that just seems to flow from my mind through my pen... journaling, or first person perspective, or writing in the first person... is a specialty of mine.
What's to say that I can't get paid for writing from the first person perspective?
My first thought was a "Diary" series.. like, the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" books... or some such.
I am determined to be self employed. That is my goal. to be free. to excercise my freedom in the realm of supporting myself. I will be Self Employed. Maybe I will be a Jill of many trades... Maybe I will be a traveling RN? maybe I will work two 12's a week, and write on the side... or do pastry art on the side?
Maybe I will work out with the Hollow Creek Cafe, a weekend deal? something where I sell pastries on the weekends? or I do a pastry class? something to draw people in? While not working a traditional job, I should have the time to come up with ideas like this!

I have to help.

I have to help the young people who need so desperately to be loved for who they are, and know that who they are is not as accepted in this country as it should be. They know that its widely accepted in certain little groups, not so wildly accepted in other groups, and possibly downright unaccepted in their hometown, their school, and possibly, their very homes.
I need to do something about this. I want to create a self sustaining supportive group of people who accept anyone for who they are. Not just 'because they are gay', but because we want to treat others as we ourselves want to be treated. I want to start a Gay Straight Alliance, whose subscript motto is "nerd/jock alliance, cheerleader/bookworm alliance, etc.." You get the picture.
I want to make a pamphlet or a sign on the door that says, "Leave your predjudices and your judgements at the door. Ok. Now come on in!"
More to come soon...