On becoming an author...on becoming Self Employed!!

I have just realized that one of my favorite ways to write is also a way that just seems to flow from my mind through my pen... journaling, or first person perspective, or writing in the first person... is a specialty of mine.
What's to say that I can't get paid for writing from the first person perspective?
My first thought was a "Diary" series.. like, the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" books... or some such.
I am determined to be self employed. That is my goal. to be free. to excercise my freedom in the realm of supporting myself. I will be Self Employed. Maybe I will be a Jill of many trades... Maybe I will be a traveling RN? maybe I will work two 12's a week, and write on the side... or do pastry art on the side?
Maybe I will work out with the Hollow Creek Cafe, a weekend deal? something where I sell pastries on the weekends? or I do a pastry class? something to draw people in? While not working a traditional job, I should have the time to come up with ideas like this!

I have to help.

I have to help the young people who need so desperately to be loved for who they are, and know that who they are is not as accepted in this country as it should be. They know that its widely accepted in certain little groups, not so wildly accepted in other groups, and possibly downright unaccepted in their hometown, their school, and possibly, their very homes.
I need to do something about this. I want to create a self sustaining supportive group of people who accept anyone for who they are. Not just 'because they are gay', but because we want to treat others as we ourselves want to be treated. I want to start a Gay Straight Alliance, whose subscript motto is "nerd/jock alliance, cheerleader/bookworm alliance, etc.." You get the picture.
I want to make a pamphlet or a sign on the door that says, "Leave your predjudices and your judgements at the door. Ok. Now come on in!"
More to come soon...

glad to view the Process....

I just read over my posts from the last year. The place I am in was inevitable. I cannot stop the real me from coming out. No pun intended. It's like giving birth. You just cannot go back once you have grown up.
Yes, it makes me sad that I cannot homeschool my kids right now. But I cannot change that at this point. And I am working towards my goal of having a better job, and one that I can take more than 2 days off per week.
I am doing the best that I can. That's what I need to focus on.

Critical

Many are critical of my choices. My main concern should be that I not be critical of myself. There is no 'right' way. There is only the way that I choose, and the ways that I do not choose. There is only the here and now, and simultaneously, there is the future I plan for, and the past I struggle to learn from.
I am who I am, and simultaneously, I am who I want to become.
Life is so fluid, and so multi-layered and leveled, it's not just about whose shoes I've walked in. There are too many variables. No two lives are the same. So why worry about what another thinks of my choices? Do I really think that they know better than I do about the many varied nuances of my life, my character, my situation, my pros/cons?
Or can they only look through their lens? It's just not practical to think that someone else can decide for me what to do with my life. I am the only me. No one else can actually walk in my shoes. No one's feet fit so perfectly in them as mine.
Releasing the grip on my chest, the crushing weight of my need for others' approval. Like a fist loosening its grip, stiffly, slowly at first, flexing, stretching, practicing my freedom. Less Critical. More Forgiving. This is what I choose.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do... sometimes I cry inside for what never was... sometimes I cry outside for what I couldn't accomplish. Tears and Time wash away the sharpest edges of the pain, and Love tells me that I'm allowed to be happy. And I am. So Happy.
I'm proud to be honest, proud to be Out. In love with my woman.

Who Says?

Who Says?
by Michelle Schooling on Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 3:21am

Who says that love has to be traditional?

who says that I have to be someone I am not?

What authority puts me in my place?

Who says what place I should be in?



Who writes the story of my life?

Who defines happpiness as one size fits all?

I'm not wearing someone else's life.

I'm not happy in someone else's dreams...



I am who I am.

I am true to my own self.

Who says I am selfish for loving myself?

Isn't that what life is about?



Don't you want your children to love themselves?

I do.

I want my kids to love themselves so that I know

they will be taken care of.



I say what makes me happy.

I say who I am.

I make my own happiness.

I say. That's who says.

Coming Out - A Spiritual Experience by Elicia Prior Schwartz

In the mean time i found this thing i wrote and read for a service at UUCA for national coming out day... I didn't know if you would find it interesting or not... either way i thought I'd share it with you. :)

Coming Out - A Spiritual Experience

For a while I fought the thoughts, I feared
trying not to think
Afraid that if anyone knew....
but they kept coming
So i allowed myself to think the thoughts, to feel my feelings
as long as I didn't label them, at 14
as if somehow that would keep me safe
Then finally, I could stay trapped in my mind no more
as I stared out a door into the darkness
my back turned to her, my friend
the fear gripping me
saying it would make me face it
would make it REAL
but i had to break the chains to my silence
"I'm Bisexual"
I said holding my breath
ready to pretend I was just joking
just in case she freaked
she said me too.....
I turned around so fast, the biggest smile
on our faces and we laughed and jumped up and down
we were finally free,
at least with each other...
but then I knew
I was coming out, and this meant that I had
to reject the idea of a God, of a spirit
that would reject me, damn me, hate me, ban me
Now I fought the thoughts of God instead
because I was sinning, that's what they say
and there was no place for us
I felt ostracized
cast aside
out into a wilderness where there was no chance for my salvation
years go by
a repressed fear
always under my surface
bubbling anger
then one day in the strangest circumstance
I met a cute Mormon boy trying to convert
my soul - save me
and all I wanted was to flirt
so I humored him
and he gave me this bible page
that I kept tacked to my wall for all the years
of my youth
it was god talking
saying Do not believe this just because
you read it in some book
pray about it, search your soul
and you will know MY truth
so I got down on me knees
one weak night when I couldn't take it any longer
an said
"TELL ME GOD"
what do you feel, what is right
and then I knew
it burst through like an explosion
of light of acceptance, eternal
Love Is Never Wrong
and the heavy cloak of shame and guilt and regret
dropped from my shoulders never to
be picked up again by me
and yet I was still alone
in this new found truth
my reconnection to a higher power
an all loving power
and I walked among those
still wearing their cloaks
because there was no place that we knew
that would validate our love
our contributions
our sacrifices,
our relationships
our families

I clung tight
to the immense love and light
I carried and tried to share
with those crying in bathrooms
over friends who would kill themselves
because of a world filled with
hate, intolerance, ignorance, and fear
we'd shelter the light for each
other, so that they
and we would not get swallowed
in the darkness
and we tried to fight for a better world
and then came
My Children
and I knew there had to be
somewhere that
people believed like me, in an all encompassing love
I needed to surround us
with these teachings, I longed to grow
and I needed this
and by the grace of God
I came to this place
to this amazing loving place
where my children will grow
knowing
ONLY LOVE,
ONLY ACCEPTANCE
where they can be REAL always
and they will NEVER be cast away
into the darkness
and they will NEVER walk alone

So I come out - with pride - with celebration
I come out to my children, to my family to
everyone I can
because now i know that UU exists
that other places of welcoming and love exist too
That if I speak out and spread the word
maybe I can, maybe we can
hold up high the lights
of love so high
so that all around
we may see our way through the darkness
together
as one