A friend once commented on facebook, "It's been so good to spend time with my sister and the kids. Briana has helped so much with the funeral preparations and been so open with her home to Katie and myself. I don't know how we would have gotten through this without her support. I have the best sister in the world!!! Oh, and I just love how she and Katie are great friends, they have an awesome connection and it pleases me so much."
I replied, "That is beautiful, Diana. I'm so glad that you have a sister like her. We need those loving connections between the ones that we love just as much as we need the loving connection between ourselves and the people we love."
One of the things that I took for granted in the past was having
loving connections between the people in my life. Since I changed my life and lost so many relationships, I have realized the importance of that connection. There is a lot less stress in your life when everyone in it is in sync with one another.
Being in sync doesn't mean that you agree on everything or that you never have disagreements. It just means that you trust one another's good intentions, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and discuss things before drawing conclusions.
My ex-husband and I disagree on some things. We don't always get along. Sometimes we get mad at each other. But when we talk about our intentions and the reasons we did things, and very importantly, when we admit that what we did may have been hurtful or could have been done differently, things smooth over real quick.
I have that same wonderful relationship with fiance'. We talk things out. We assume that there wasn't any harm meant when a potentially hurtful situation arises. We trust each other.
And I am so very blessed to witness this same confidence and compassionate relationship between my ex and my fiance'. Not to mention seeing this trust between my children and my fiance', and my children and their father.
Solid, loving, trusting interconnections are beautiful works of art that require maintenance and are so very worth the effort.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I am depressed over the depression –
Oppression - Of so many lives
Who gives them the right
To claim that “god” is on their side?
It’s greed, not god
It’s power, not divine miracles
The truth is disgusting
It sickens and saddens me
No one asked to be here
No one asked to be oppressed
Outcast
By a society who loves themselves
While abusing others
I cry, I lose sleep
Nightmares plague my nights
I want to bring justice
Justice is a fleeting tease
An unrealistic dream.
America the Beautiful?
It could be, should be -
We have the resources,
We could share.
But no no one cares.
Just another angry ditty
While I lie here feeling shitty
Voice unheard, unknown
While fat white man sits on his throne
I am women, hear me mew
A helpless tigress jailed -
In a kitten’s cage -
Long out grown.
Longing to be free of these
Dents in my mind
From being slammed so many times.
I lie here free, or so it seems
Having outgrown my dreams
I thought there was hope ahead
Outside the walls of my imprisonment
But it was out of the frying pan
Into the fire
Just a new set of tie-downs
On a different day
Morose? Yes.
Gross? Absolutely.
But if the boot fits.
Oppression - Of so many lives
Who gives them the right
To claim that “god” is on their side?
It’s greed, not god
It’s power, not divine miracles
The truth is disgusting
It sickens and saddens me
No one asked to be here
No one asked to be oppressed
Outcast
By a society who loves themselves
While abusing others
I cry, I lose sleep
Nightmares plague my nights
I want to bring justice
Justice is a fleeting tease
An unrealistic dream.
America the Beautiful?
It could be, should be -
We have the resources,
We could share.
But no no one cares.
Just another angry ditty
While I lie here feeling shitty
Voice unheard, unknown
While fat white man sits on his throne
I am women, hear me mew
A helpless tigress jailed -
In a kitten’s cage -
Long out grown.
Longing to be free of these
Dents in my mind
From being slammed so many times.
I lie here free, or so it seems
Having outgrown my dreams
I thought there was hope ahead
Outside the walls of my imprisonment
But it was out of the frying pan
Into the fire
Just a new set of tie-downs
On a different day
Morose? Yes.
Gross? Absolutely.
But if the boot fits.
Scott Noelle's posts can be downright inspiring sometimes. I especially love this one:
http://dailygroove.net/
Scott is a homeschooler and many of his posts center around parenting while homeschooling. This one applies to those of us who send our kids to school. We may have to be even more pre-sponsive to our kids because we get them at the end of the day when they are tired out from a long work day and so are we.
Responding with love and compassion may be a lost art these days but many people seem to understand that it is necessary in their relationships with adults and forget that it's also important with kids. Please don't treat your kids differently because of their age. Kids have limits just like we do. They melt down just like we do. They have hard days just like we do.
When you have just lost it, how would you like others to respond to you? I want people to ask me what is wrong, maybe let me vent a little. At the most, give me a shoulder to cry on. Kids need that too. Don't categorize their behaviour as "disobedient" or "wrong" when they have melt downs. Comfort them. If they are being unreasonable there is probably a reason.
H.A.L.T.
I love this acronym as it allows you to assess your child's needs in a quick simple way. Is he or she hungry? Angry at someone or some situation? Lonely because they feel rejected or scared? Tired? All of these situations bring about behaviour in people that is "not desirable" to others to be around. We tend to belittle kids emotions as if they weren't as important as an adult's feelings and that is just wrong.
ASSESS AND ADDRESS
Assess your child's needs and address the issue. If they are tired, hold them for a minute and talk about what would make them feel better. If you are home, by all means go lie down with them. If you are in public, hold them, hold their hand, whatever physical or emotional contact they need to feel better in the moment. Have them close their eyes and breathe for a moment.
Pre-sponding to your kids needs can mean always having a snack on hand for little ones or even bigger ones. I take a snack for myself sometimes if I know I'll be out for a while.
Loneliness can devastate a child. Whether he or she is "lonely in a crowd" because they feel like none of their friends want to play with them in the moment or at school that day, feeling alone hurts. It hurts any of us. Don't take the road of assessing the situation your child is responding to and giving a reason for the other child's behaviour until after you have addressed your child's emotion. Validate him, tell him that you can identify with what he is feeling and you know it hurts. Validation can be all people need at times. You may know this from personal experience.
Tired... wow, the plethora of emotions that can overwhelm us when our bodies or minds are worn down from lack of rest. Being tired exacerbates all emotions and especially the "negative" ones. Please, please, please have compassion with your tired kid. You want compassion when you are tired... a child has less emotional reserves than we do, and we need to be the strong ones in this situation.
Our kids are precious and will be our caretakers as we age. We will look back with either tearful regret or tearful happiness at the times we had when our kids were young. It's our choice.
http://dailygroove.net/
Scott is a homeschooler and many of his posts center around parenting while homeschooling. This one applies to those of us who send our kids to school. We may have to be even more pre-sponsive to our kids because we get them at the end of the day when they are tired out from a long work day and so are we.
Responding with love and compassion may be a lost art these days but many people seem to understand that it is necessary in their relationships with adults and forget that it's also important with kids. Please don't treat your kids differently because of their age. Kids have limits just like we do. They melt down just like we do. They have hard days just like we do.
When you have just lost it, how would you like others to respond to you? I want people to ask me what is wrong, maybe let me vent a little. At the most, give me a shoulder to cry on. Kids need that too. Don't categorize their behaviour as "disobedient" or "wrong" when they have melt downs. Comfort them. If they are being unreasonable there is probably a reason.
H.A.L.T.
I love this acronym as it allows you to assess your child's needs in a quick simple way. Is he or she hungry? Angry at someone or some situation? Lonely because they feel rejected or scared? Tired? All of these situations bring about behaviour in people that is "not desirable" to others to be around. We tend to belittle kids emotions as if they weren't as important as an adult's feelings and that is just wrong.
ASSESS AND ADDRESS
Assess your child's needs and address the issue. If they are tired, hold them for a minute and talk about what would make them feel better. If you are home, by all means go lie down with them. If you are in public, hold them, hold their hand, whatever physical or emotional contact they need to feel better in the moment. Have them close their eyes and breathe for a moment.
Pre-sponding to your kids needs can mean always having a snack on hand for little ones or even bigger ones. I take a snack for myself sometimes if I know I'll be out for a while.
Loneliness can devastate a child. Whether he or she is "lonely in a crowd" because they feel like none of their friends want to play with them in the moment or at school that day, feeling alone hurts. It hurts any of us. Don't take the road of assessing the situation your child is responding to and giving a reason for the other child's behaviour until after you have addressed your child's emotion. Validate him, tell him that you can identify with what he is feeling and you know it hurts. Validation can be all people need at times. You may know this from personal experience.
Tired... wow, the plethora of emotions that can overwhelm us when our bodies or minds are worn down from lack of rest. Being tired exacerbates all emotions and especially the "negative" ones. Please, please, please have compassion with your tired kid. You want compassion when you are tired... a child has less emotional reserves than we do, and we need to be the strong ones in this situation.
Our kids are precious and will be our caretakers as we age. We will look back with either tearful regret or tearful happiness at the times we had when our kids were young. It's our choice.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Breastfeeding - The Natural Immune Booster
I am learning about the blood and types of antibodies at the
moment. I find it very interesting that my textbook inserts this deceptive and
leading information:
"Delivery eliminates the maternal supply of IgG.
Although the mother provides IgA antibodies in breast milk, the infant
gradually loses its passive immunity. The amount of maternal IgG in the
infant's bloodstream declines rapidly over the first two months after birth.
During this period, the infant becomes vulnerable to infection by bacteria or
viruses that were previously overcome by maternal antibodies. The infant's immune system begins to respond to infections,
environmental antigens, and vaccinations. As a
result, the infant
begins producing its own IgG.”
This combination of truth and
twisted dogma makes me ANGRY!
Not only does the mother’s breastmilk provide IgA, it also provides the
other 4 types of antibodies: IgG, IgE,
IgD, and IgM. Formula provides NONE of these antibodies. Every antigen
(allergen) that the mother comes into contact with the baby will get. Assuming
that the baby is with the mother most of the time, the baby will receive
antibodies to any allergen in its environment. (And my little
side conjecture is that should a child be lucky enough to receive breastmilk
from more than one woman, such as when two partnered women have a child
together, the baby will receive antibodies from everywhere that two women go –
double the antigen exposure, therefore double the naturally acquired immunity
for the baby!)
Not to
mention how many molecules and proteins in the mother’s milk help reduce
pathogenic bacteria in the baby’s gut, and contains good bacteria.
Interestingly
Iron fortified formulas are on the market. Why is this? Don’t the makers of
formula know that many pathogenic bacteria thrive on iron? And coincidentally,
breastmilk contains proteins called lactoferrin that bind iron, removing it
from the babies‘ body, reducing the spread of organisms that can cause an
infant serious illness. One example of this is Staphylococcus Aureus.
The fact that
my textbook skips over the information about these helpful functions of
breastmilk, and even includes vaccinations as part of the “reason” that infants
begin building there immune system is ludicrous. Vaccinations are NOT part of
an infant’s development. They are moneymakers that are NOT in a child’s best
interest.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
My Fight to be a Grown Up
Sometimes, the little wounded girl in me surfaces, haunts me, and stunts my adult emotional growth. The past few weeks have been like that. Last night my girlfriend and my son gave me a little wakeup call. I have been going through a process of recognizing the woundedness taking over me, and trying to deal with it and move past it. Last night my youngest jumpstarted that process. I realized that I baby him too much. And that I baby all my children. And that the cause is shortsighted, and only serves to stunt their growth as people. In stunting myself, I stunt them. I stunt myself out of fear of the unknown. Fear of uncertainty that I haven't been able to face because I didn't feel strong enough.
Then I realized that Strong Enough is a choice. It's not an ability, it is a practiced skill. It took tears and emotional pain to get to this point of realization, and it will take more tears and pain to continue practicing the needed skill. But I now know better. and I agree with the sentiment that "When you know better, you can do better."
I will choose to do better, to take on responsibility, to love myself, to respect myself as an adult, as a lovable person, regardless of my children's reactions to my disciplining them. They do need structure. I need structure. It's not a "new way of life". It's not a fundamentalist, "This is the RIGHT way." It's just an evolution. A continued growing into myself, choosing another path that feels right to me. I no longer believe in black and white, wrong or right thinking. Admitting that to myself hurt because it meant a loss of certainty. There is absolutely bliss in ignorance. And once that childlike ignorance is gone, it's a struggle to become ok with the lack of safety, security, and bliss.
I no longer can fit into that ignorance mold, though. It's a skin I have shed, a mold I have outgrown. And although metamorphysis is painful, I know from experience that you cannot go backwards. You can choose to stagnate, but it only causes you and everyone around you pain. So I choose to accept the growth, to take on the responsibilities I see. I can only live more fully because I have grown, and that is something to be thankful for.
Then I realized that Strong Enough is a choice. It's not an ability, it is a practiced skill. It took tears and emotional pain to get to this point of realization, and it will take more tears and pain to continue practicing the needed skill. But I now know better. and I agree with the sentiment that "When you know better, you can do better."
I will choose to do better, to take on responsibility, to love myself, to respect myself as an adult, as a lovable person, regardless of my children's reactions to my disciplining them. They do need structure. I need structure. It's not a "new way of life". It's not a fundamentalist, "This is the RIGHT way." It's just an evolution. A continued growing into myself, choosing another path that feels right to me. I no longer believe in black and white, wrong or right thinking. Admitting that to myself hurt because it meant a loss of certainty. There is absolutely bliss in ignorance. And once that childlike ignorance is gone, it's a struggle to become ok with the lack of safety, security, and bliss.
I no longer can fit into that ignorance mold, though. It's a skin I have shed, a mold I have outgrown. And although metamorphysis is painful, I know from experience that you cannot go backwards. You can choose to stagnate, but it only causes you and everyone around you pain. So I choose to accept the growth, to take on the responsibilities I see. I can only live more fully because I have grown, and that is something to be thankful for.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Reminiscing....
my busted snowglobe
A Poem by Eve Latchouli
the description of my feelings as i acknowledge my growth and outgrow my security
I lived inside a Hallmark card
I ate my chocolate treats and drank my high priced coffee steaming,
with security.
The cold could not touch me
I was untouchable.
I moved, I reminisced, I hypothesized,
dreamed, about the outside world -
in a snowglobe.
the clear plastic invisible,
I was real to myself, anyway.
Like contractions making way,
my mind worked, roiling, boiling
marinating in my truth
at first barely noticeable, then the excitement
built as I felt the inevitability of my
life becoming my own.
and now here I sit, the process mostly through.
My beautiful Hallmark life busted
broken plastic,
little pieces of fake snow running
out in the clear river that used to be
my security, my amniotic fluid
Mixing with my tears...
my coffee gone cold.
My truth gave me birth
I am new
wet and cold
The womb spent, no longer able to sustain my growth
I am me. I am whole.
My tears coming in waves now
the torrents of grief broken
with spots of hope.
Time to clean up the mess my birth made
and move on.
I ate my chocolate treats and drank my high priced coffee steaming,
with security.
The cold could not touch me
I was untouchable.
I moved, I reminisced, I hypothesized,
dreamed, about the outside world -
in a snowglobe.
the clear plastic invisible,
I was real to myself, anyway.
Like contractions making way,
my mind worked, roiling, boiling
marinating in my truth
at first barely noticeable, then the excitement
built as I felt the inevitability of my
life becoming my own.
and now here I sit, the process mostly through.
My beautiful Hallmark life busted
broken plastic,
little pieces of fake snow running
out in the clear river that used to be
my security, my amniotic fluid
Mixing with my tears...
my coffee gone cold.
My truth gave me birth
I am new
wet and cold
The womb spent, no longer able to sustain my growth
I am me. I am whole.
My tears coming in waves now
the torrents of grief broken
with spots of hope.
Time to clean up the mess my birth made
and move on.
I Tolled the Bell
October 17, 2012
A few years ago, I wrote a poem celebrating the feeling of togetherness that I felt in the room of my dying Aunt. She'd been surrounded by her sisters and her daughters, all gathered to be with her through her final transition.
Last night I was part of such a process. The feeling was different for me, as I have only known Mrs. B for a short while. Maybe a month. And I am not related to her by blood, although her wonderful little family considers us, her aides, family. I held Audry's hand as she made that final transition. She went from complete awareness in this physical world to just being gone. Her spirit left us. Her body drained of its color. There was no dramatic exit. She only looked Kathy in the eyes, and myself in the eyes one last time, before she looked down at her lap, and after a time, exited her body.
It has affected me so deeply, this being present at the leaving of a soul. I think that I will ask her to come to me if at all possible to let me know that she went to a good place, that she is happy there. I don't want to believe in Heaven in the sense that I was taught to believe in it, as a place reserved only for those who have "gained" entrance through either a measure of living or a special bloodstained ticket. I want to know that we only travel to another plane. Or that we just rest, like sleeping.
That's just how Mrs. B looked. Like she went to sleep with her eyes open.
I only knew Mrs. B as a wonderful woman. She always complimented me on my compassion, my understanding, my willingness to do whatever it was that she asked. I wanted her to be comfortable. I can't imagine having ALS, and feeling like I was imprisoned in my own body. First unable to move certain parts, then paralyazed up to my chest and unable to find the energy to make my vocal cords move or my lungs. Talking was more and more of a struggle, and she did her best to stay focused on doing so, although it took longer and longer. Kathy and I, and Leah and Raquel, remained so patient, allowing her to find her words in her own time. I will miss her. She was and will always remain a shining example of strength in the face of debilitation. A beacon of taking pride in yourself regardless of your circumstances. I am so blessed to have been there. To have been the only person there other than her daughter. To have been able to hold her hand and fully take part in speaking to her as she made that transition from this world. We spoke of the beauty of the fall night, the color of the sky, the crickets song. Kathy spoke of her pride of having such a wonderful life given to her by her mother and father. Of how lucky their family was to have such a proud heritage and such dedication to each other. Specifically her mom is/was her safety net. To have been there and witnessed Kathy's grace and gentleness in those moments, hours, was a testament to me of human fortitude and compassion. The strength to forgive past hurts and love the goodness in another. Her position as a daughter who had lived her life to her own drummer. So different from her mother in circumstance, yet so the same in the graciousness of living. She has her mother's grace, her calm, her gentility.
And knowing that those are only parts of their dispositions, that such gentle people are also capable of frustration to the point of anger, lashing out, makes me so glad that I have witnessed such things. I have seen the wholeness of humanity. I have seen the best and the worst, and have chosen to love it all together as a whole. You cannot value the best, unless you have witnessed the worst. You cannot see the strength, unless it is displayed in a time of weakness.
The Barton family is a story in humanity. We all have our own stories, and I am so blessed..so fortunate, so thankful to have been a part of and have borne witness to theirs.
A few years ago, I wrote a poem celebrating the feeling of togetherness that I felt in the room of my dying Aunt. She'd been surrounded by her sisters and her daughters, all gathered to be with her through her final transition.
Last night I was part of such a process. The feeling was different for me, as I have only known Mrs. B for a short while. Maybe a month. And I am not related to her by blood, although her wonderful little family considers us, her aides, family. I held Audry's hand as she made that final transition. She went from complete awareness in this physical world to just being gone. Her spirit left us. Her body drained of its color. There was no dramatic exit. She only looked Kathy in the eyes, and myself in the eyes one last time, before she looked down at her lap, and after a time, exited her body.
It has affected me so deeply, this being present at the leaving of a soul. I think that I will ask her to come to me if at all possible to let me know that she went to a good place, that she is happy there. I don't want to believe in Heaven in the sense that I was taught to believe in it, as a place reserved only for those who have "gained" entrance through either a measure of living or a special bloodstained ticket. I want to know that we only travel to another plane. Or that we just rest, like sleeping.
That's just how Mrs. B looked. Like she went to sleep with her eyes open.
I only knew Mrs. B as a wonderful woman. She always complimented me on my compassion, my understanding, my willingness to do whatever it was that she asked. I wanted her to be comfortable. I can't imagine having ALS, and feeling like I was imprisoned in my own body. First unable to move certain parts, then paralyazed up to my chest and unable to find the energy to make my vocal cords move or my lungs. Talking was more and more of a struggle, and she did her best to stay focused on doing so, although it took longer and longer. Kathy and I, and Leah and Raquel, remained so patient, allowing her to find her words in her own time. I will miss her. She was and will always remain a shining example of strength in the face of debilitation. A beacon of taking pride in yourself regardless of your circumstances. I am so blessed to have been there. To have been the only person there other than her daughter. To have been able to hold her hand and fully take part in speaking to her as she made that transition from this world. We spoke of the beauty of the fall night, the color of the sky, the crickets song. Kathy spoke of her pride of having such a wonderful life given to her by her mother and father. Of how lucky their family was to have such a proud heritage and such dedication to each other. Specifically her mom is/was her safety net. To have been there and witnessed Kathy's grace and gentleness in those moments, hours, was a testament to me of human fortitude and compassion. The strength to forgive past hurts and love the goodness in another. Her position as a daughter who had lived her life to her own drummer. So different from her mother in circumstance, yet so the same in the graciousness of living. She has her mother's grace, her calm, her gentility.
And knowing that those are only parts of their dispositions, that such gentle people are also capable of frustration to the point of anger, lashing out, makes me so glad that I have witnessed such things. I have seen the wholeness of humanity. I have seen the best and the worst, and have chosen to love it all together as a whole. You cannot value the best, unless you have witnessed the worst. You cannot see the strength, unless it is displayed in a time of weakness.
The Barton family is a story in humanity. We all have our own stories, and I am so blessed..so fortunate, so thankful to have been a part of and have borne witness to theirs.
My high dive personality and other musings
I've been having this growing period lately. It's a little like going through a time warp. I see all the past events flying past me as pictures, and I'm realizing how different I am becoming, even as I admire my new growth, and experience the sadness of losing my old form. The butterfly has always been a wonderful analogy for growth. I'm sure, even as its wings are drying, the sun shining on him, he looks back and wonders if it will be ok to be a butterfly, he was so comfortable being a caterpillar, and then a larvae...
The sadness engulfed me yesterday. Thinking of J and the kids going up to the farm for Thanksgiving, a big family tradition for so many years. I mean how much more iconicly American can you get? A family of 40 or more, gathering in a big old farmhouse that sits on 40 acres amoung the rolling hills. Even the drive there feels so nostalgic and peaceful every time, like you are going back to another time when life was more simple. Driving up and over the hills in the blackness, not knowing what'll be on the other side, or if you're headed there during the day, seeing the rolling greenery, the big rolls of hay dotting their skin.
Was that how it really was when I was there? or just how my storytelling mind remembers it? Wasn't I more concerned with going over my plans to convert these medically minded farmers to my natural birthing theories? or to educate them in how their bodies worked to give birth? Oh Lord. I can laugh at myself now, remembering how I dragged J's cousins out in the cold entryway of the house where the fold out dinner tables and chairs had been set for the next day in rows, as if for a church social event. There may have been one curious and willing participant in those "discussions" that mostly consisted of me preaching my latest obsession to them. I preached the values of knowing what your body is doing at all times. It was relevant to us, as most of us were in the throes of early childbearing, needing to know when we were fertile and not fertile. But the part I look back on with amusement is that I was so hell bent on getting these women to do what I was doing. I wasn't cherishing the value of getting together with family once a year. I was on the warpath to convert these poor ignorant souls; to save them from the evil medical establishment that tries to pull the wool over their eyes and keep them from understanding their own bodies. Oh that is enlightening to see myself in such a way. Maybe someday I will learn to settle in to the grey of life, like J used to tell me. Or not. I mean, really, that's just who I am. At least now I can separate myself from the experience enough to realize when I am starting to climb that high dive ladder.
The sadness engulfed me yesterday. Thinking of J and the kids going up to the farm for Thanksgiving, a big family tradition for so many years. I mean how much more iconicly American can you get? A family of 40 or more, gathering in a big old farmhouse that sits on 40 acres amoung the rolling hills. Even the drive there feels so nostalgic and peaceful every time, like you are going back to another time when life was more simple. Driving up and over the hills in the blackness, not knowing what'll be on the other side, or if you're headed there during the day, seeing the rolling greenery, the big rolls of hay dotting their skin.
Was that how it really was when I was there? or just how my storytelling mind remembers it? Wasn't I more concerned with going over my plans to convert these medically minded farmers to my natural birthing theories? or to educate them in how their bodies worked to give birth? Oh Lord. I can laugh at myself now, remembering how I dragged J's cousins out in the cold entryway of the house where the fold out dinner tables and chairs had been set for the next day in rows, as if for a church social event. There may have been one curious and willing participant in those "discussions" that mostly consisted of me preaching my latest obsession to them. I preached the values of knowing what your body is doing at all times. It was relevant to us, as most of us were in the throes of early childbearing, needing to know when we were fertile and not fertile. But the part I look back on with amusement is that I was so hell bent on getting these women to do what I was doing. I wasn't cherishing the value of getting together with family once a year. I was on the warpath to convert these poor ignorant souls; to save them from the evil medical establishment that tries to pull the wool over their eyes and keep them from understanding their own bodies. Oh that is enlightening to see myself in such a way. Maybe someday I will learn to settle in to the grey of life, like J used to tell me. Or not. I mean, really, that's just who I am. At least now I can separate myself from the experience enough to realize when I am starting to climb that high dive ladder.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
I am a Nursing Student
I had this little moment of epiphany that was encouraging a minute ago. I was standing in line at Starbucks for my grande latte, and I looked around seeing that most of the people here have money, are dressed nicely, are a "certain type" of person. Then I looked down at my new dark jeans, new brown men's dress shoes, and my new 3/4 length sleeve cream sweater (all purchased on my Student Loan credit card), and thought... "I am one of these people too."
Now this is all said very well aware of where I came from and how truly shallow these things are, yet it gave me a little boost of confidence and motivation that I badly needed after narrowly escaping a D in my Anatomy Lecture Exam a little over an hour ago. I have been so frustrated with this class. It's difficulty level is very high, and I have been treating it as just an aspect of my life instead of a main focus as it requires. My focus has gotten better and better with each low C I have received over the past two or three exams. Thankfully, I've been scoring higher in my Lab Practical Exams and those grades are holding me at a solid overall grade of 79%. One point away from a B.
I have been struggling with the fact that at 35 years old I am making $8 an hour, and trying to remedy that by spending a lot of time on networking and building a beautiful resume. I may not be focusing where I should be. I will be making $25 to $30 an hour after getting this degree. It is highly important that I EXCEL at these classes, so as to be hand picked for the first available nursing classes. Thankfully no one will see the separate exam scores only the overall class score. Thinking about that end goal of a high wage (as shallow as that may seem) is motivating me to focus harder on my classes. I have children to provide for, to motivate, to help excel. I must focus hard and do well to provide for myself and them now, and for myself in the future when they are supporting themselves.
I am not just an $8/hr home health aide. I AM A NURSING STUDENT.
Now this is all said very well aware of where I came from and how truly shallow these things are, yet it gave me a little boost of confidence and motivation that I badly needed after narrowly escaping a D in my Anatomy Lecture Exam a little over an hour ago. I have been so frustrated with this class. It's difficulty level is very high, and I have been treating it as just an aspect of my life instead of a main focus as it requires. My focus has gotten better and better with each low C I have received over the past two or three exams. Thankfully, I've been scoring higher in my Lab Practical Exams and those grades are holding me at a solid overall grade of 79%. One point away from a B.
I have been struggling with the fact that at 35 years old I am making $8 an hour, and trying to remedy that by spending a lot of time on networking and building a beautiful resume. I may not be focusing where I should be. I will be making $25 to $30 an hour after getting this degree. It is highly important that I EXCEL at these classes, so as to be hand picked for the first available nursing classes. Thankfully no one will see the separate exam scores only the overall class score. Thinking about that end goal of a high wage (as shallow as that may seem) is motivating me to focus harder on my classes. I have children to provide for, to motivate, to help excel. I must focus hard and do well to provide for myself and them now, and for myself in the future when they are supporting themselves.
I am not just an $8/hr home health aide. I AM A NURSING STUDENT.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Keeping the house clean... What a CHORE!
I have made many an attempt to keep our house clean... this has proven difficult because I am not usually an organized person, I am just learning to be. This means that I have to retrain myself and my children. Here are my latest attempts to do so with a houes full of six children under the age of 18, and one, soon to be two adults...
Today I am hoping to inspire my kids further through a couple of different methods. I hope to imprint their memory with the importance of this issue through doing an activity together, and to remind them of the kinds of issues you have when you do not clean through the content of said activity. The chore chart above and the $2/week allowance has done more than all of the nagging I have done in my life to keep us on track. I am hungry for a new level of clean, and hope to inspire the kids towards it as well. I just googled "make your own crossword puzzle", came up with http://puzzlemaker.discoveryeducation.com/CrissCrossSetupForm.asp , and had fun making this reminder!
17 of 19 words were placed into the puzzle.
Below you will see the chart that hangs on our fridge this week. It's a format I made up and each week I reprint another one with different dates and people for each job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shared
Responsibilities (switched every 2 weeks): 10-25 to 11-8
Jesse
*Washing Dishes – Daily, Keep sink empty of dirty dishes, be available for
after meal cleanup
Savannah
*Sweeping Downstairs Carpet – Th, Sat, *Use Windex or natural spray to clean downstairs
bathroom sink and toilet – Fridays
Aaron*Sweeping
Upstairs Carpet – Th, Sat, *Use Windex or natural spray to clean upstairs
bathroom sink and toilet – Fridays
Travis
*Sweeping/Mopping Kitchen/Bathrooms – Th, Sat, *Clean Showers – Fri
Jaidyn *Take out trash bags to big brown can, and
help Nathan keep all floors clean.
Nathan *Keep
all toys off of downstairs floors and in toy boxes
*Older 4
kids, do your own laundry – you are responsible for having clean clothing.
Everyone:
*Throw away all
of your trash
*Rinse the dishes
you eat on, and put in the sink as soon as you are done eating
*Do NOT eat
anywhere other than the kitchen or the dining room table… these rules are
to keep our house free of bugs and mice! And the carpets clean.
*Keep your rooms clean: i.e., nothing on the floor,
beds made every morning, and everything in its place.
Warning:
The
shirking* of these responsibilities will result in the loss of privileges:
meaning time with friends, computer, TV, and anything else any of your parents
think is necessary.
REWARD
However, being responsible and doing your daily
work without reminder, will reward you with more freedom, more privileges, and
your $$ Allowance $$.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today I am hoping to inspire my kids further through a couple of different methods. I hope to imprint their memory with the importance of this issue through doing an activity together, and to remind them of the kinds of issues you have when you do not clean through the content of said activity. The chore chart above and the $2/week allowance has done more than all of the nagging I have done in my life to keep us on track. I am hungry for a new level of clean, and hope to inspire the kids towards it as well. I just googled "make your own crossword puzzle", came up with http://puzzlemaker.discoveryeducation.com/CrissCrossSetupForm.asp , and had fun making this reminder!
Keeping the House Clean
Across
2. showers collect this every day
4. Mom washed the what this morning?
5. Keeping a house clean is a what on dirt?
6. Cleaning is
8. People didn't pick up their candy
11. Do you want to ? in the grimy shower?
12. Everything naturally turns to this
13. Let's keep our house
14. if this is everywhere, so are mites
Down
1. ALL what? need swept EVERY DAY
3. Mom picked up tons of ? stuff
7. Mom also did this
8. Will you get some this ?
9. toilets collect waste daily
10. is what Mom should have been doing
11. Do you want to sit on a ? toilet?
13. is what you get for doing a good job
17 of 19 words were placed into the puzzle.
Created by Puzzlemaker at
DiscoveryEducation.com
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
5 Basic Human Needs for Emotional Health
Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth, and Contribution.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Trying my hand
Adrienne, Rich in experience
lends light to
Eve, at the beginning of herself
old bonds still attached, pulling
the sharp pain of that last little
stubborn cord detaching
New life, so raw
the shock of it, bright, unrelenting
I'm still wet behind the ears
still longing for the warmth of the womb,
yet reveling in the freedom to stretch my
mind,
to set my own boundaries
Vision yet blurry, tippy toes pointing
I blink, I breathe, I wonder?.......
Dedicated to Adrienne Rich, much loved poet, introduced to me on this day of her death, March 29, 2012
lends light to
Eve, at the beginning of herself
old bonds still attached, pulling
the sharp pain of that last little
stubborn cord detaching
New life, so raw
the shock of it, bright, unrelenting
I'm still wet behind the ears
still longing for the warmth of the womb,
yet reveling in the freedom to stretch my
mind,
to set my own boundaries
Vision yet blurry, tippy toes pointing
I blink, I breathe, I wonder?.......
Dedicated to Adrienne Rich, much loved poet, introduced to me on this day of her death, March 29, 2012
Truth
"Truth is relevant to the speaker, and no one person's truth can be made to be another's" - Eve Latchouli
Friday, March 16, 2012
My Vision for Life 3/16/2012
I travel talking to people about education, birth, and parenting reformation. When I am not traveling, I am writing, I am taking time for me, I am relaxing, I am gardening, I am spending quality time with my partner.
I am a published author on a variety of themes. My first book is being published in 2013.
My kids learn wherever, however, and whenever it suits them.
We all pursue our passions daily. I feel content with my daily life.
I don't worry about money!
I feel like I am doing good things for the world.
I have a lover who is my best friend and we live together! We take time for each other and support one another. We have a wonderful relationship in every way. She travels with me for work when she wants to.
My partner and I are wonderful co-parents to our kids along with James and his partner.
My children entertain themselves with learning things that will propel them off in their individual interests and will support them financially. The kids feel well supported and know that they are loved and cared for physically and emotionally by many people.
They often come on trips with me and my partner for work, and with their dad to his work. They learn from real life. From their own research.
Life is a wonderful patchwork of lessons and love and happiness and apprecation.
I am a published author on a variety of themes. My first book is being published in 2013.
My kids learn wherever, however, and whenever it suits them.
We all pursue our passions daily. I feel content with my daily life.
I don't worry about money!
I feel like I am doing good things for the world.
I have a lover who is my best friend and we live together! We take time for each other and support one another. We have a wonderful relationship in every way. She travels with me for work when she wants to.
My partner and I are wonderful co-parents to our kids along with James and his partner.
My children entertain themselves with learning things that will propel them off in their individual interests and will support them financially. The kids feel well supported and know that they are loved and cared for physically and emotionally by many people.
They often come on trips with me and my partner for work, and with their dad to his work. They learn from real life. From their own research.
Life is a wonderful patchwork of lessons and love and happiness and apprecation.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I've Come a Lonnnngggg Way, Baby.
It's with hesitation that I post this, as although it has been years since I have functioned as a dependent person, it is still somewhat embarassing to put it out there. but for others who maybe suffering from this personality disorder, I will. It has taken me years to move past these issues begun in my childhood, but I feel that I am entering the end stages....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPZN-5N_LQ8&feature=fvwp&NR=1
I've come a lonnggggg way, baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPZN-5N_LQ8&feature=fvwp&NR=1
I've come a lonnggggg way, baby.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Here I Grow Again!
I think I like that as a title of a new blog... not sure why I want to start a new one... maybe because this one is all cluttered up with un-posted posts that are more private than to be put out in the public eye..
Anyway, whether I do it anytime soon or not, I'll keep it in mind every time I see this particular post.
I felt the statement bubble up as my fb status after reading this: http://www.sustainablebabysteps.com/about-us.html
I've been thinking unschooly thoughts lately about my kids and about my life. I enjoy the fact that I am making more money right now than I ever have... but I don't want my life to be about making money.
I want my life and my kids lives to be about following our passions. Some of my passions include: Helping my kids develop and live their life plans and education, self educated or "formally" educated, helping babies live a more comfortable life, helping moms have more comfortable, healthier, less anxious pregnancies, births, and lives with their kids, writing, living healthy, becoming more fit, eating well and deliciously, staying active, reading, learning, relaxing and most of all loving....
This website opened up another portal of possibility for all of these things.....
<3 LIFE
Anyway, whether I do it anytime soon or not, I'll keep it in mind every time I see this particular post.
I felt the statement bubble up as my fb status after reading this: http://www.sustainablebabysteps.com/about-us.html
I've been thinking unschooly thoughts lately about my kids and about my life. I enjoy the fact that I am making more money right now than I ever have... but I don't want my life to be about making money.
I want my life and my kids lives to be about following our passions. Some of my passions include: Helping my kids develop and live their life plans and education, self educated or "formally" educated, helping babies live a more comfortable life, helping moms have more comfortable, healthier, less anxious pregnancies, births, and lives with their kids, writing, living healthy, becoming more fit, eating well and deliciously, staying active, reading, learning, relaxing and most of all loving....
This website opened up another portal of possibility for all of these things.....
<3 LIFE
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My silly unrealistic dreams came true!
So, I sat down like my friend said to and wrote a dream job... I applied to lots of places, one of which was Pink Newborn Services. I love the job i have. It's many aspects of what I wanted... I take care of a baby at night and get paid for it. I work in top notch homes, and get paid well. I have a car that gets 32-40mpg! I'm able to start a real savings account. I was able to singlehandedly afford our 3 day trip to Kalahari Resort. I just got off the phone with Sarah Parent, editor of the ReThinking Everything Magazines. They want me to write a second article for them. It's a start for my writing career!
So many positives... life is good despite its challenges. :)
So many positives... life is good despite its challenges. :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Cold Death Everyday is how I imagine a windowless office job. I had a taste of it today. Here's what had to come out of me to purge myself of the dread:
"I just left hell. It was in a big brownstone building. One Gojo Place, Akron, Ohio. I parked on the lowest level of the deck, and walked in just my suit jacket against a stiff cold wind up one level through a square cement tunnel to reach protection from the elements. I should have worn a coat.
Inside the building, through the revolving glass door, I took the elevator to the second floor. I was only allowed to the second floor per my plastic card pass. I came out of the elevator into a world of white marble walls and pristine glass doors. My heels clicked on the floor, Click Clack, Click Clack. My bare toes struggled against the confines of my narrow dress shoes.
Accountemps thick blue carpet portrayed a slight sense of warmth contrasting the minimalist upscale atmosphere.
Where do these people hang their coats, or wipe their feet? Where are the coffee cups, the counter sprinkled with sugar spilled from the last person to sweeten their cup of joe? Where is REALITY?
I filled out a thick stack of papers portraying my spotty work history and took three skill evaluations at a computer in the computer bank. The bank consisted of a small room lined with cubicles in which only a monitor, a keyboard, and a small white pad of paper sat on each desk. The flourescent lights overhead are the opposite of comfort. They screamed at me, "Faster! Produce! The masses are waiting! Turn little cog, turn!" I am bored already with the endless stream of numbers spilling from the fingers on my right hand. Do people really exist on this diet of mundane repitition?
I bombed the test for knowing Accounting Clerk office terms. It's been so long since I worked in SBU's small dirty construction office filling out invoices, and answering phone calls, that I'd forgotten a lot.
I have never had a factory worker mentality. I have always been allowed to dream.
The computer prints my final data. I am graded Average on my Excel and Accounting Clerk abilities. I sign a few more papers saying that I will pay the government part of my wages. I will pay out for the misery of this soulless work?
Finally, I am ushered to a room crowded with a table and 3 small chairs. I am told to sit and wait. Someone will meet with me soon. A thick man in a dark suit with dark hair comes in. He uses phrases like, "Alright!", Good Deal!", and "We'll be in touch!" These are office lingo for "We're done here. Get out, and let me get back to my facebook page." He reeked of old office mentality. I could almost hear his thoughts. "I put in my 8 hours repeating the same information to different people everyday, and that is how I spend most of my life. I am a robot."
I am reminded of the satirical picture of an army of skeletons in suits I came across on facebook the other day. All of the skeletons quote monotonously and in harmony, "I am Free. I am Free." A row of black suits in front of a second row, against a 3rd row, and another, and another. We the People, ARE those skeletons. We are shadows of who we could be. We are the products of this society. By which I mean, we are manufactured. Have you ever really thought about the two words, Human Resources?
I have been looking at the world from a distant point of view for so long that I find that I do not want to be present here. I refuse to become a clone embalmed in one of these white marble and glass sepulchres.
Yet, I need an income. Whatever will I do?
Friday, October 14, 2011
So maybe I am silly, unrealistic, immature, etc...
"The main thing that keeps popping into my head is to sit with yourself with no distractions and really ask yourself what it is you would love to be doing if money was no barrier. What is your dream? It doesn’t have to be some big elaborate thing. Then, write it down exactly as you want it to be. Write it like it is already here, already happening. Read it once a day, and then lay it in a place that nobody else disturbs. I put mine on an altar where I meditate. I did this, and within 2 months I had exactly what I wrote. So, don’t try to figure out how you will get it, just “put it out there” and let it be. But, keep your ears and eyes open for opportunities. Don’t ignore anything, even if it doesn’t look like an opportunity. Keep listening to your heart, and ignoring what people are telling you you “should” do. Maybe you will have to take a job until something else works out, but maybe not. I wouldn’t worry about the student loans right now. Tell yourself that all is working exactly as it should be. (assuming you aren’t ignoring things that really need to be done).
I believe the reason you are feeling down is because you don’t want to be in the workplace doing something that doesn’t feed you. Keep thinking outside the box. It doesn’t have to look like an ordinary situation.
Hope this helps a bit. Let me know if you want to talk more or brainstorm.
Much love to you,
Amie J"
What's above is what a new friend wrote to me after I emailed her on her 'Overcoming Depression' website. Below is my reply.
I printed out what you wrote and I am going to begin brainstorming to try to come up with what I "really want to do". The only thing that keeps popping into my head is FREEDOM! I want to write for money, I want to cook, bake, clean, be with my kids, and create pastry art for money... I want a variety of ways for money to come to me through doing things that I enjoy. Society tells me that such a "Jill of all Trades" isn't a job, and won't bring in enough income... I want society to be wrong... but am I being unrealistic? I have a few weeks to find out.
Still Dreaming.....
I believe the reason you are feeling down is because you don’t want to be in the workplace doing something that doesn’t feed you. Keep thinking outside the box. It doesn’t have to look like an ordinary situation.
Hope this helps a bit. Let me know if you want to talk more or brainstorm.
Much love to you,
Amie J"
What's above is what a new friend wrote to me after I emailed her on her 'Overcoming Depression' website. Below is my reply.
I printed out what you wrote and I am going to begin brainstorming to try to come up with what I "really want to do". The only thing that keeps popping into my head is FREEDOM! I want to write for money, I want to cook, bake, clean, be with my kids, and create pastry art for money... I want a variety of ways for money to come to me through doing things that I enjoy. Society tells me that such a "Jill of all Trades" isn't a job, and won't bring in enough income... I want society to be wrong... but am I being unrealistic? I have a few weeks to find out.
Still Dreaming.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
