Loving Connections

A friend once commented on facebook, "It's been so good to spend time with my sister and the kids. Briana has helped so much with the funeral preparations and been so open with her home to Katie and myself. I don't know how we would have gotten through this without her support. I have the best sister in the world!!! Oh, and I just love how she and Katie are great friends, they have an awesome connection and it pleases me so much."

I replied, "That is beautiful, Diana. I'm so glad that you have a sister like her. We need those loving connections between the ones that we love just as much as we need the loving connection between ourselves and the people we love."

One of the things that I took for granted in the past was having 
loving connections between the people in my life. Since I changed my life and lost so many relationships, I have realized the importance of that connection. There is a lot less stress in your life when everyone in it is in sync with one another.

 Being in sync doesn't mean that you agree on everything or that you never have disagreements. It just means that you trust one another's good intentions, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and discuss things before drawing conclusions.

My ex-husband and I disagree on some things. We don't always get along. Sometimes we get mad at each other. But when we talk about our intentions and the reasons we did things, and very importantly, when we admit that what we did may have been hurtful or could have been done differently, things smooth over real quick.
I have that same wonderful relationship with fiance'. We talk things out. We assume that there wasn't any harm meant when a potentially hurtful situation arises. We trust each other.
And I am so very blessed to witness this same confidence and compassionate relationship between my ex and my fiance'. Not to mention seeing this trust between my children and my fiance', and my children and their father.
Solid, loving, trusting interconnections are beautiful works of art that require maintenance and are so very worth the effort.

I am depressed over the depression –
Oppression - Of so many lives

Who gives them the right
To claim that “god” is on their side?
It’s greed, not god
It’s power, not divine miracles

The truth is disgusting
It sickens and saddens me
No one asked to be here
No one asked to be oppressed
Outcast
By a society who loves themselves
While abusing others

I cry, I lose sleep
Nightmares plague my nights
I want to bring justice
Justice is a fleeting tease
An unrealistic dream.
America the Beautiful?
It could be, should be -

We have the resources,
We could share.
But no no one cares.

Just another angry ditty
While I lie here feeling shitty
Voice unheard, unknown
While fat white man sits on his throne
I am women, hear me mew
A helpless tigress jailed -
In a kitten’s cage -
Long out grown.
Longing to be free of these
Dents in my mind
From being slammed so many times.

I lie here free, or so it seems
Having outgrown my dreams
I thought there was hope ahead
Outside the walls of my imprisonment
But it was out of the frying pan
Into the fire

Just a new set of tie-downs
On a different day
Morose? Yes.
Gross? Absolutely.
But if the boot fits.

Scott Noelle's posts can be downright inspiring sometimes. I especially love this one:

http://dailygroove.net/presponsive

Scott is a homeschooler and many of his posts center around parenting while homeschooling. This one applies to those of us who send our kids to school. We may have to be even more pre-sponsive to our kids because we get them at the end of the day when they are tired out from a long work day and so are we.

Responding with love and compassion may be a lost art these days but many people seem to understand that it is necessary in their relationships with adults and forget that it's also important with kids. Please don't treat your kids differently because of their age. Kids have limits just like we do. They melt down just like we do. They have hard days just like we do.

When you have just lost it, how would you like others to respond to you? I want people to ask me what is wrong, maybe let me vent a little. At the most, give me a shoulder to cry on. Kids need that too. Don't categorize their behaviour as "disobedient" or "wrong" when they have melt downs. Comfort them. If they are being unreasonable there is probably a reason.

H.A.L.T.
I love this acronym as it allows you to assess your child's needs in a quick simple way. Is he or she hungry? Angry at someone or some situation? Lonely because they feel rejected or scared? Tired? All of these situations bring about behaviour in people that is "not desirable" to others to be around. We tend to belittle kids emotions as if they weren't as important as an adult's feelings and that is just wrong.

ASSESS AND ADDRESS
Assess your child's needs and address the issue. If they are tired, hold them for a minute and talk about what would make them feel better. If you are home, by all means go lie down with them. If you are in public, hold them, hold their hand, whatever physical or emotional contact they need to feel better in the moment. Have them close their eyes and breathe for a moment.

Pre-sponding to your kids needs can mean always having a snack on hand for little ones or even bigger ones. I take a snack for myself sometimes if I know I'll be out for a while.

Loneliness can devastate a child. Whether he or she is "lonely in a crowd" because they feel like none of their friends want to play with them in the moment or at school that day, feeling alone hurts. It hurts any of us. Don't take the road of assessing the situation your child is responding to and giving a reason for the other child's behaviour until after you have addressed your child's emotion. Validate him, tell him that you can identify with what he is feeling and you know it hurts. Validation can be all people need at times. You may know this from personal experience.

Tired... wow, the plethora of emotions that can overwhelm us when our bodies or minds are worn down from lack of rest. Being tired exacerbates all emotions and especially the "negative" ones. Please, please, please have compassion with your tired kid. You want compassion when you are tired... a child has less emotional reserves than we do, and we need to be the strong ones in this situation.

Our kids are precious and will be our caretakers as we age. We will look back with either tearful regret or tearful happiness at the times we had when our kids were young. It's our choice.

Breastfeeding - The Natural Immune Booster

I am learning about the blood and types of antibodies at the moment. I find it very interesting that my textbook inserts this deceptive and leading information:

"Delivery eliminates the maternal supply of IgG. Although the mother provides IgA antibodies in breast milk, the infant gradually loses its passive immunity. The amount of maternal IgG in the infant's bloodstream declines rapidly over the first two months after birth. During this period, the infant becomes vulnerable to infection by bacteria or viruses that were previously overcome by maternal antibodies. The infant's immune system begins to respond to infections, environmental antigens, and vaccinations. As a result, the infant begins producing its own IgG.”

This combination of truth and twisted dogma makes me ANGRY!

 Not only does the mother’s breastmilk provide IgA, it also provides the other 4 types of antibodies:  IgG, IgE, IgD, and IgM. Formula provides NONE of these antibodies. Every antigen (allergen) that the mother comes into contact with the baby will get. Assuming that the baby is with the mother most of the time, the baby will receive antibodies to any allergen in its environment. (And my little side conjecture is that should a child be lucky enough to receive breastmilk from more than one woman, such as when two partnered women have a child together, the baby will receive antibodies from everywhere that two women go – double the antigen exposure, therefore double the naturally acquired immunity for the baby!)

Not to mention how many molecules and proteins in the mother’s milk help reduce pathogenic bacteria in the baby’s gut, and contains good bacteria.

Interestingly Iron fortified formulas are on the market. Why is this? Don’t the makers of formula know that many pathogenic bacteria thrive on iron? And coincidentally, breastmilk contains proteins called lactoferrin that bind iron, removing it from the babies‘ body, reducing the spread of organisms that can cause an infant serious illness. One example of this is Staphylococcus Aureus.

The fact that my textbook skips over the information about these helpful functions of breastmilk, and even includes vaccinations as part of the “reason” that infants begin building there immune system is ludicrous. Vaccinations are NOT part of an infant’s development. They are moneymakers that are NOT in a child’s best interest.

recent FB post... healthy living

Michelle Schooling

the youngest's packed lunch this morning.. a generous dose of natural peanut butter on wheat bread sandwich, bag of baby carrots with ranch dressing, bag of sunflower seeds and nuts, sliced apples with a sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar, and a can of Zevia 'Root Beer'. He tells me when he sees it that they aren't allowed to have pop at school. I told him to show his teacher the can and it'll be ok. He has been doing much better at controlling his impulsiveness while substituting simple sugars with healthy foods, and loves his new 'chocolate popsicles'! (read Avachoco brain food!) Let the healthy eating continue!

My Fight to be a Grown Up

Sometimes, the little wounded girl in me surfaces, haunts me, and stunts my adult emotional growth. The past few weeks have been like that. Last night my girlfriend and my son gave me a little wakeup call. I have been going through a process of recognizing the woundedness taking over me, and trying to deal with it and move past it. Last night my youngest jumpstarted that process. I realized that I baby him too much. And that I baby all my children. And that the cause is shortsighted, and only serves to stunt their growth as people. In stunting myself, I stunt them. I stunt myself out of fear of the unknown. Fear of uncertainty that I haven't been able to face because I didn't feel strong enough.
Then I realized that Strong Enough is a choice. It's not an ability, it is a practiced skill. It took tears and emotional pain to get to this point of realization, and it will take more tears and pain to continue practicing the needed skill. But I now know better. and I agree with the sentiment that "When you know better, you can do better."
I will choose to do better, to take on responsibility, to love myself, to respect myself as an adult, as a lovable person, regardless of my children's reactions to my disciplining them. They do need structure. I need structure. It's not a "new way of life". It's not a fundamentalist, "This is the RIGHT way." It's just an evolution. A continued growing into myself, choosing another path that feels right to me. I no longer believe in black and white, wrong or right thinking. Admitting that to myself hurt because it meant a loss of certainty. There is absolutely bliss in ignorance. And once that childlike ignorance is gone, it's a struggle to become ok with the lack of safety, security, and bliss.
I no longer can fit into that ignorance mold, though. It's a skin I have shed, a mold I have outgrown. And although metamorphysis is painful, I know from experience that you cannot go backwards. You can choose to stagnate, but it only causes you and everyone around you pain. So I choose to accept the growth, to take on the responsibilities I see. I can only live more fully because I have grown, and that is something to be thankful for.

Reminiscing....

my busted snowglobe

A Poem by Eve Latchouli

 

the description of my feelings as i acknowledge my growth and outgrow my security

 

I lived inside a Hallmark card
I ate my chocolate treats and drank my high priced coffee steaming,
with security.
The cold could not touch me
I was untouchable.
I moved, I reminisced, I hypothesized,
dreamed, about the outside world -
in a snowglobe.
the clear plastic invisible,
I was real to myself, anyway.

Like contractions making way,
my mind worked, roiling, boiling
marinating in my truth
at first barely noticeable, then the excitement
built as I felt the inevitability of my
life becoming my own.

and now here I sit, the process mostly through.
My beautiful Hallmark life busted
broken plastic,
little pieces of fake snow running
out in the clear river that used to be
my security, my amniotic fluid
Mixing with my tears...
my coffee gone cold.
My truth gave me birth
I am new
wet and cold
The womb spent, no longer able to sustain my growth
I am me. I am whole.
My tears coming in waves now
the torrents of grief broken
with spots of hope.
Time to clean up the mess my birth made
and move on.